The Point of the Phony Arizona 'Audit' Is to Never Finish the Audit

·4-min read
Photo credit: Sarah Rice - Getty Images
Photo credit: Sarah Rice - Getty Images

On Thursday afternoon, out in Arizona, there was a hearing in the state senate regarding the extended farce now in its third month out at the fairgrounds. You will be shocked, I’m sure, to know that it’s now feeding back on itself, a Möbius strip for dicks, in such a way that it never may end, which is sort of the point, because the entire exercise is meant to keep uncertainty alive among the rubes about the clear results of the election. From the Arizona Republic:

Suggesting that the Senate’s review may not be nearing its end, Fann said during a hearing at the Capitol that she expects the demands for additional materials will end up in court, setting up yet another legal battle in the saga that has seen the county and state lawmakers spar over the scope of the Legislature’s subpoena power. Also during the hearing, the Senate’s top contractor on the review recommended reviving plans to go door to door to inquire about some residents’ participation in last year’s general election. The Senate had put an effort to dispatch canvassers on hold after the U.S. Department of Justice raised concerns that it could amount to voter intimidation and violate federal civil rights protections.

See? Everything old (and stupid) is new (and stupid) again. 

Logan also raised several issues that Republican lawmakers have questioned for months as some argued to overturn the state’s presidential election results.

He noted concerns about ink bleeding through on ballots, a controversy that flared around Election Day after the county provided voters with felt-tipped markers at polling places. The marks that voters made bled through the opposite side of the ballots, but county officials noted that the columns on each side were not aligned to ensure that did not affect how votes were counted. Still, more than two months after the county delivered about 2.1 million ballots to Cyber Ninjas pursuant to a Senate subpoena, Logan said more analysis is needed on that issue.

Watch: Arizona's Maricopa County election audit, by the numbers

Sharpies again! No wonder the U.S. Congress has begun to wonder what the Cyber Ninjas are up to out in the desert. Oversight Committee chairman Rep. Jamie Raskin sent them a letter asking, politely, where this whole bughouse ratfcking campaign is actually headed.

We are concerned about your company’s role in this highly unusual effort, given Cyber Ninjas’ apparent lack of experience in conducting election-related audits; reports that the company engaged in sloppy and insecure audit practices that compromised the integrity of ballots and voting equipment and were questioned by the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ); and evidence that you and other individuals funding the audit have sought to advance the “big lie” of debunked voter fraud allegations in the November 2020 presidential election…

The Committee is seeking to determine whether the privately funded audit conducted by your company in Arizona protects the right to vote or is instead an effort to promote baseless conspiracy theories, undermine confidence in America’s elections, and reverse the result of a free and fair election for partisan gain.

Welcome to the NFL, Cyber Ninjas.

One of the really hilarious elements about Thursday’s hearing was the fact that the election officials in Maricopa County were watching and tweeting, refuting what the Cyber Ninjas and their legislative allies were saying in real time. To wit:

It’s “complicated” and “difficult” for Senate contractors to do this audit because they are not qualified to do this audit. It’d be like asking Doug Logan to play point guard for the Suns. That would also be “complicated” and “difficult.”

Chris Paul was unavailable for comment.

And the fact that they’re again talking about going door-to-door gives the entire game away. (I would advise Arizona voters to keep garden hoses and buckets of dead fish handy against the arrival of the Cyber Ninjas.) This is a political perpetual-motion machine that is designed never to finish its purported “job.” As is the case with all ratfcking, the process itself is the point.

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