"People Will Call Me A Monster. I Don't Care": People Are Getting Brutally Honest About Whether Or Not They Regret Their Decision To Have (Or Not Have) Children
There's no denying that people (and women in particular) face humongous pressure in our society to have children. But the decision to have a baby is a life-altering one, and many people decide that it is not the right choice for them. Well, over on Quora, people started talking about their decision to have or not have children and whether they regret their choice, and some of the conversations were extremely thought-provoking.
1."I love my son. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me in many ways. He's made me a more patient, responsible person. I don't believe in heaven, but I would think he was an angel if I did. His smiles and giggles light up my soul. But I have never felt so hopeless, exhausted, and worn down. If I could do it all over again, I really think I would have given him up for adoption."
"... He's five months old. I was single during the pregnancy (which was miserable). I'm single now. I get two breaks per month (a few hours each time). Other than that, it's all on me. I can't afford daycare, so I watch him most of the time while I work from home. It's getting so hard to do both. I feel I'm failing at everything. I haven't slept well since day one.
Sometimes, he cries and screams for hours on end. I talked to his doctor several times and tried everything. It's SO LOUD, my head pounds, and I get so frustrated I sometimes have to put him in his crib and walk away. Then he cries even harder, and I feel useless and like the worst mother on the planet. I feel like a failure every day. I try hard to do things the right way, but there's never enough time or energy to feel I've done enough on any given day.
Besides the fact that I feel like a shitty mother, I just feel like a shitty person. I have no time to exercise, eat right, be creative, date, have friends, and keep a consistently clean apartment. I can't really do anything for me anymore. I feel trapped in my life. If the circumstances were different — I'd feel different if I had a supportive partner I didn't loathe, a good daycare, decent breaks, and time for myself. It's. It's not my son that I regret. I love him with a depth I never imagined before his birth. I regret these circumstances that I let myself wind up in."
2."Choosing not to have kids has been the single best decision of my life. To be fair, it wasn't a 'choice.' I've never wanted kids. I never played with dolls as a child; I only babysat under extreme duress (if, for example, a neighbor or my parents' friends were in a jam), and from my earliest memories, I thought being a parent was the worst deal around. I only saw negatives, no upsides, to being a parent..."
"...I am an extreme introvert, and the sheer amount of forced interaction with others (teachers, doctors, other parents) that having a child would require would be painful to me.
Instead, I have focused my time and energy on educating myself and building my own business. I spend my money on animal welfare charities and Planned Parenthood.
The only thing that makes me feel somewhat bad about my decision is that my brother also didn't have children. My mother has mentioned that while she doesn't mind not having grandchildren, she worries that people will think she and my dad were such terrible parents that neither of their kids wanted children of their own (not the case!).
People have told me since day one: 'You'll change your mind' or 'You'll regret it,' but I am 44, nearly 45, and every day, I am grateful that I never wanted children."
3."I never wanted kids. I had a bad childhood, and for some reason, that made me not want anything to do with kids. My husband, on the other hand, wanted four kids. Somehow, I ended up pregnant. I was not thrilled but somewhat curious to see what our child would look like..."
"... I had a difficult and painful birth, and I did not even want to see my son. I had a C-section and somehow woke up feeling everything just as they finished stitching me up. I could hear someone screaming and crying and did not realize it was me. In the room, as the pain subsided, I saw this baby lying in a bassinet. I asked my husband to give him to me. He said no, as he knew I was in pain and weak. However, he brought the baby to me for a kiss.
The days that followed were a revelation to me. I fell in love with my boy. I never knew you could miss someone when they were right there. I never knew what it was like to feel so protective about someone. I was a shy person. Now, I did not care. My son was all that mattered to me. My son is a wonderful little boy who has changed me. He is so sweet even when I am impatient, forcing me to change. I fell more in love with my husband when I saw what a loving father he is to him."
4."When I was in my 20s, I wondered if I would ever miss it if I didn't have children. I married, went to school, worked, was young, happy, and in love with my husband and life. In my 30s, my marriage dissolved amicably without having children, and it was an opportunity to get some more schooling and training, start a new career, and launch myself into a new and exciting phase of life. I traveled a lot, dated a lot, worked hard, and was in love with life. There was so much going on that I didn't miss having children at all..."
"....In my late 30's, I married again to a wonderful man, and a new adventure ensued. I was looking for new challenges, so I got my Master's degree and embarked upon a new career that was more soul-satisfying. We traveled, relocated to a new part of the U.S., started new careers together, and enjoyed our lives.
We didn't impose any pressure on ourselves to have children; we just lived each day discovering who we were, developing our talents without many restrictions, and being happy. In my mid-40s, he became sick with what we would later find out to be a terminal illness, and he died when I was in my mid-50s. Without children, I had the financial and time resources to take care of him, get him into clinical trials, and give him the best care for the rest of his life. Now I'm in my early 70's. I have a new husband (of 14 years) and am happier than ever.
Never, not even once, have I regretted not having children. Without them, I had more time to concentrate on developing my talents and abilities, leading to my final career, which allowed me to dedicate everything I had to help the community. I had more financial resources to care for my dying husband. I was rarely stressed, unhappy, angry, or depressed because the life I created for myself was so personally fulfilling.
When I die, all my resources and my home will be used to house homeless transitional-aged youth, completing my life's mission. It is possible to love children and not have children. Spending a lifetime discovering and developing your talents and abilities is possible without being selfish. It is possible to have a richly fulfilling life without procreating. I did!"
5."Nope. I've never wanted them. My first husband didn't believe me on this (everyone in my life has always claimed to have a better handle on my parenting desires), and we eventually divorced. I'm in my mid-40s. Most of my friends have kids, anywhere from 2 to 18 years old. Many of them are incredibly stressed and emotionally overwhelmed. While, of course, they love their kids, many would re-think becoming parents."
"... I've never wanted to have kids and never understood the allure of having kids. I would never be happy to devote all of my time, energy, and finances to raising children. Life did get a little eye-rolly in the early 30s when many of my friends became mothers and were incapable of talking about anything beyond child development, nap schedules, diapers, etc., even during those times when they said they needed a break from being a mom.
Different life stages can be tricky to navigate, so I sought out child-free friends in addition to my friends who are parents. Dating in my early and mid-30s was a challenge. I found that my contemporaries mostly wanted to have kids and that they assumed all women who did not wish to have kids were heartless monsters. They also seemed to be seeking Suzy Homemaker, a corporate Vice President of a Fortune 500. With that data, I started dating people in a slightly older age range who were past the phase of wanting children or who have already raised children and are not looking to raise more.
With my target demographic identified, I found my husband. I travel wherever I want and use my free time however I want. I sleep in. I've never had to go to Disneyland. I have been able to pursue a few different careers, and I am poised to retire comfortably at a relatively early age. I also love holding babies (oh my god, they are so lovely and wonderful! Why do they smell so good?!) and engaging with kids occasionally. However, I'm definitely to be a mother. Having kids is a huge lifetime commitment, and it is a decision that everyone needs to make for themselves. Don't let anyone talk you into it, or out of it."
6."My husband never wanted children. He was adamant. So, I accepted that we'd be a childless couple. It would be okay, I told myself, because we were deeply in love, and we'd always have each other. In my thirties, I asked my mum if I'd made the right decision not to have kids. She told me her honest opinion: 'If I didn't, I'd regret it someday...'"
"...She added that couples divorce all the time, and while my husband could then go off with a younger woman and make children, I'd be left behind, older and childless. So, I told my husband I wanted a child. I remember the very day vividly; he went AWOL the ENTIRE day to mull it over, and he finally agreed. So, at age 38, I had my son. And guess what? My husband and I divorced six years later (for reasons unrelated to being parents).
Now, not a day has gone by since I didn't thank my mum in my head. She gave me the best advice I could've hoped for because my son is now my only family and the light of my life. Incidentally, a few months after our split, my ex-husband texted,' I just want to thank you for persuading me to have a child. I love our little guy so much.'"
—Feed
7."I was badly abused, physically and mentally, as a kid, and from a very young age, I knew I never wanted kids. I was my dad's punching bag, and my mom constantly told me how I ruined their lives and how much better their lives were before I was born. As I got into my late teens, then 20s and 30s, if anyone would ever ask if I was going to have kids, I would just use my stock answer, 'I realized at a very young age that kids wouldn't be in my future...'"
"...When I started dating my wife, we had that discussion, and she didn't want kids for other reasons, so it worked out well for us. I've been in therapy for most of my adult life because to survive my childhood, I developed DID, or at the time it was called Multiple Personality Disorder. Through therapy, I finally came to understand where the feeling that I'd never have kids came from. I found out that people who went through what I did have a high tendency to repeat it to their kids, which is something I cannot even begin to fathom.
Having lived through something like that, knowing how it made you feel and hurt, how could you possibly do that to someone else? It always amazes me, and I'm glad I recognized that even as a kid. As I became more self-aware, people would ask me if, since I now realized what happened and knew where it came from, I wouldn't want a kid. I still would answer no because I would never be willing to take the chance of something happening.
I used to have a terrible temper, and when I would dissociate, I had large blank spots that I had no idea what happened. I get around other people's kids, and they love me, love to play with me, and I with them. They still say, 'You should have been a dad.' Now, at 61, for the first time in my life, I think about what will happen when I die. It makes me sad to think that not too long afterward, I'll probably just be a vague memory for a few people.
All the 'stuff' I've accumulated all these years will be in the landfill or Goodwill, and all this was just a waste. I think about how much I missed being revered as Dad. Someone is looking up to me and positively influences someone's life. My wife and I have a friend who just turned 50. He had a big party, and his parents were there. It was incredible to see their interaction, and while it will be sad when his dad dies, he'll always remember him. And that's something I'll never have."
8."I do have regrets sometimes. I was married when I was 26. My now ex had a career where he was gone a lot. Usually, I left on Thursday and returned on Sunday night. We had talked about children, and I told him until he was home and not traveling, I was not willing to have a child because I would be raising that child alone..."
"...We divorced when I was 29, and he remarried. He has three teenage boys. Twenty-two years have passed, and I never remarried. I see what some of my friends are going through with their children, which breaks my heart. Other times, I'm glad I didn't have children. I am so sad I have no one to pass on my photos. My parent's photos. My family heirlooms. What scares me even more is I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I will never have a child who I will see get married, and I'll never have grandchildren. That breaks my heart."
9."I'm 75, and I chose not to have children for several reasons: I am an introvert and a bookworm. I need peace, quiet, and alone time for the sake of my mental health. When I was just 11 years old, I acquired three younger stepsiblings. Since both parents worked, I was expected to supervise them after school and during the summer. Being saddled with this responsibility made me realize that taking care of kids is not an easy job and that I don't enjoy being around children..."
"...Three, because of my parents' divorce and custody battle, I was raised by my father from the age of seven and didn't see much of my mother. When he remarried, my stepmother was not very nice to me. Because I had never experienced what it was like to be raised by a loving, caring mother, I realized that knowing how to be the mother every child deserves would be hard. Of course, there is a downside to being child-free. I felt like an outsider when my coworkers talked about daycare, toilet training, summer camp, and birthday parties.
Now that I'm older, I realize there won't be anyone to look after me if I need help. Despite all the hassles, I have missed an experience many women say was worth it. I didn't get to feel the fierce, all-consuming love for my child that is life-changing and like no other emotion. But I made what I still believe was the best choice for myself, and I have no regrets."
10."I was OK with having kids, but my wife didn't want to. She had raised her siblings and didn't particularly want a repeat performance. She knew what she was getting into and wanted none of it. The psychological consequences have been mostly positive. Not having kids meant not having an additional layer of stress in our lives as we struggled to make ends meet and get along with each other in the early years of our marriage..."
"...There was no escape from each other, no hiding behind the kids, and this was a good thing. Having seen the children of many friends grow up, leave home, and never return, or never leave in the first place, I'm not sure I would want that experience. But (and here I'm going to be brutally honest) I'm thrilled that I did not pass along all the anger and resentment I grew up with. I was emotionally not ready to be a father.
Any time I've taken over the years for self-healing would have gone into raising kids, and they would have felt my irrational wrath and carried it with them to pass along to the next generation. I no longer carry that burden, so I can be helpful when interacting with young people and not detrimental to their well-being. I give a little bit of myself to many kids rather than a lot of myself to one or two. I can live with that."
11."At forty-four, I honestly regret not having any children. The young version of myself was never in any hurry to get married or become a mother, as according to plan or conforming to what society says were the next stages in my adult life. I have always had health complications, which kept me from having children at a young age, to begin with..."
"...I had ruled out the possibility long before I suddenly grew old and knew better. Now that forty-four is my new reality, I've realized I've missed the boat on motherhood. And, yes, this deeply saddens me. I regret not having been given the chance or embarking on the right opportunity and timing to have foreseen it possible in the past. I often worry about living a lonesome, empty life, still single now and without any family to call my own. Being an aunt and a teacher is not the same as having had my children in this life. I suppose? The moment has passed me by, and I have remorsefully found myself in utter regret. I do not wish it upon anyone else who may be coming to terms with the same reality."
12."I announced at 16 that I never wanted kids. I heard all the usual comments about how I'd change my mind; I was too young to know that having a child was my 'job,' who would take care of me when I was old, etc. I'm now 65 and have never had one moment of regret..."
"...I have traveled the world. I've donated thousands of dollars and hours to many nonprofit organizations. I retired at 62 and live in a beautiful villa in a gorgeous mountain valley south of Valencia, Spain. I am happily married — for 32 years. I see people my age who are years from retiring because of kids. They are exhausted, miserable, and stressed. Sure, they love their kids, but it's an 80/20 split — the love is the 20%. Even my mother told me if she had it to do over again, she would not have had kids. I understood. She loved us and raised us well, but she gave up HER life to do that. Having a kid is NOT the end-all, be-all for females. You get to choose to live your own life and pursue your goals and dreams if you want to. Without guilt. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
13."Not anymore. At one time, I felt like it would have been nice to have kids. I dreamt of attending their concerts, games, and other kid activities. I would have loved to see a small version of me or my husband in the world, feeling like I had an opportunity to remake us in a better, smarter, kinder, more successful form. That was a dream..."
"...My siblings' children are not doing especially well. One is addicted, another is dishonest, and two have severe illnesses that will eventually kill them. A third has already died. About half of my nieces and nephews are screwed up in one way or another — physically or behaviorally, or both. The others, however, are smart, successful, kind people who get along well with their relatives.
So, the odds seem to be about one in two in my family. The child of my dreams doesn't exist, and the real children can be difficult. You don't know what you're getting when you reproduce. You just have to love the kid you get, which can be hard. I know that my spouse and I are not ideal. We have flaws that we would certainly pass on to our offspring. Given that we have 8 billion people on the planet now, why risk adding more, especially when you don't know how they'll turn out?"
14."I come from a different angle. I have three grown children, and I lost a son at birth. Having my children was the best decision for me. That being said, parenthood is not for everybody. Those that are unsure are no doubt aware of the permanence of that choice..."
"...Also, having a child is giving away a piece of your heart. When my son died, I wasn't afraid it would kill me. I was afraid I'd live. I had two older children with whom I had to live. While in college, my daughter had a meningitis scare (fortunately viral rather than bacterial.) People will tell you of hugs, snuggles, and the 'I love yous.' These things are wonderful.
If having children in your life is important, there are many ways. Be that fun 'aunt' for your friends' children. Perhaps you can volunteer to coach a team or become a tutor. There are many ways to make a difference in a child's life. If you have a voice telling you that having children isn't for you, you need to listen. Parenthood is pretty much permanent, even after they're grown."
15.When I was fourteen — in other words, forty-three years ago — I suddenly came to the realization that I didn’t ever want children. The reasons were numerous. The thought popped into my head as I was walking along the street one day; I can still remember the exact moment. In successive years, whenever I gave the subject any thought, I inexorably arrived at the same conclusion..."
"...My feelings never wavered, not for a minute. In December 2017, right after my fifty-second birthday, I met the woman who became my wife six months later. Even though she was still of childbearing age (thirty-eight at the time), she felt the same way about my children. Shortly after we got married, I underwent a vasectomy. We are neither embittered nor lonely. And no, our lives are not empty. Children are an enormous responsibility. Having them changes your life utterly. If you truly wish to have children, by all means, do so, but nobody should ever have parenthood imposed upon them by sanctimonious or selfish relatives."
16."Ever since I was a kid, it felt like I knew for sure that I didn't want children; in my teenage years, I was sure; in my 20s, I was absolutely sure. Even when I hit the big 'three-oh,' the thought of having kids just never crossed my mind…until when I turned 31, and my partner turned 30, and he told me that he'd changed his mind and that he wanted a child like right now. Whaaat?..."
"...We'd been together nine years, and both made it clear that we don't want kiddos; then he flipped on me. That decision threw me into such great confusion. I thought I'd just leave and go on with my child-free life, but I truly love this man and felt we'd already invested so much into the relationship. Other days, I was ready to go. Then again, not. I thought that ending my life would put an end to me making this agonizing decision. Did I even have motherly instincts?
I've lived all my life without thinking I'd have to care for someone else 24/7! It was a failed suicide attempt (obviously and thankfully). Finally, after three years of thinking about it, I decided we should try for a baby. I wasn't prepared for the violence of childbirth; my delivery was long and hard, just like my morning sickness. At some point during those 12 hours of untold pain (epidurals are not administered in my country), I wondered whether it was worth it; I almost regretted my decision to conceive and carry full term.
To date, I don't have words for the painful way I labored for this child. I gave birth to Kira late in the evening. When she was placed on my still shivering body, I felt a strong, indescribable feeling of HOME, a feeling of arriving; maybe I touched god. Today, when I look at my daughter, my sweet Kira, I can't imagine my life without her. I always want to hold her and go with her everywhere I go. I want to kiss her till the end of time. She's everything to me, the world, and the one after. I am so glad I changed my mind."
17."People will call me a monster. I don't care. Few people in the world will choose to tell the truth about themselves when it isn't pretty. I got pregnant during my first semester of college. To make a long story short, I went a little crazy once I turned 18. I wasn't doing anything too out of the ordinary, but being practically on house arrest my entire time at home with my parents as a teen had made me a little too eager to go out and get my place, and then, of course, start having loads of sex. Naturally, this led to pregnancy..."
"... I had no intention of getting pregnant (laughable, given that I also had no intention of protecting myself against the pregnancy...), but I knew in the back of my head that if I did, I could 'take care of myself.' I had a good job and benefits, went to school, was responsible for the most part, etc. I remember staring at the stick when I got the result. I didn't cry. I just thought, "Welp... I guess I'm having a baby."
Despite my neutral reaction, I was unhappy about the whole thing. I instantly left her father; he wasn't father material. I told myself I'd rather struggle alone than bring up a child around someone with so many problems. Despite my concern for my unborn child's mental health, I was not entirely without my selfishness. This is where I say, 'I was a monster' because, in all honesty, I had desperately hoped the pregnancy would terminate itself. I'd announce it to people on a need-to-know basis. They'd congratulate me and smile brightly, excited for me. I'd politely smile back, but in the back of my head, I resented them for being happy. I knew being a young single mother was not as simple as movies and books make it out to be. I knew I was putting myself and my child at a major disadvantage for having her at my age.
I was a very religious girl back then (irony much?!), so somehow, the thought of wishing 'non-existence' upon my unborn child was less offensive than having an abortion, and I certainly couldn't walk around my entire life knowing someone was out there taking care of MY offspring if I chose adoption. I didn't want a child. I knew I wasn't ready. But I also knew I was a good person, and I didn't want to forget the responsibility. I had been stupid, I knew, but I was also totally ready to pay the price.
Mostly, admittedly, because I didn't know what the price was. So, for eight months, I prayed for a miscarriage. In the last month of pregnancy, my motherly instincts (biological or otherwise, who knows) finally kicked in. All of a sudden, I was TERRIFIED of losing my baby. Fast forward to today: my daughter is eight. I never resented her for coming along when I didn't plan it. I never was cruel to her because I was just "too young and immature" to deal with her. She has been a difficult child (delayed in speech and, therefore, behaviorally delayed as well).
Still, it is a plight that is my own and a rite of passage for every mother: Your biggest challenge is almost always the same object responsible for creating your greatest strengths. As cliche as it sounds, she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I won't say I can't imagine my life without her. Surely, I can. But it's not an image with more happiness, and it's certainly not one I care to linger on for more than a moment. So, thank you to my little Aubrey-bear for being the most amazing catalyst of my life. And also for giving me the blessing of true love. They say you owe your life to your mother, but I owe MY life to my daughter."
I'd love to hear from you. If you chose to not have children, do you have any regrets? Or if you did have children, are you content with your decision? Tell us in the comments or in this anonymous form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
