This is how we do it: ‘Now that we’re having sex, can I still call myself asexual?’

Ali, 32

Everyone defines and relates to the idea of asexuality differently. For me, it’s not the same as just not feeling in the mood for sex. I don’t feel sexual desire towards anyone, but I do feel romantic desire.

Phoebe and I met on a dating app just over a year ago. In my profile I described myself as asexual and explained that I didn’t want to have sex or any physical contact, which naturally filtered a lot of people out. When I met Phoebe, she was also thinking about asexuality. I asked her what a relationship would look like if we didn’t have sex? And together we’ve found an answer.

One thing we soon realised is that physical intimacy isn’t the core thing that either of us want in our relationship. We like hanging out on the sofa, making food, being in proximity to one another. About four months in she cooked me dinner and afterwards, when we were sitting on the sofa, she asked if she could hold my hand. It was very sweet, and since then we have often held hands.

Sometimes we kiss, and now, maybe twice a month, we have sex. It evolved naturally and is more about the emotional connection that’s happening through this process, as opposed to the physical.

I feel in a weird place at the moment because I am having sex, so wonder if I can still call myself asexual. Sex has been a lovely way to connect with Phoebe – it is similar to how we are connecting in starting to build a life together, or through the way that we share jokes. I don’t see physical intimacy as a core part of a relationship, and I think Phoebe and I have built one where physical touch is so far down the list – in terms of our love language.

I don’t really feel sexual desire, but I do feel a strong desire for companionship. I think that’s how I imagine romance, a feeling of wanting to be near Phoebe, to make her lots of things, buy her a coffee. I feel desired by Phoebe, but I don’t necessarily feel lusted after, and I like that distinction.

Callout

Phoebe, 32

Friendships have always been the most important relationships in my life. I’ve always had really lovely friends and often not found dating and romantic relationships that great. At times it’s been hard, because it feels like everyone else is doing it all the time, and I wonder why I don’t want to have sex. It just doesn’t feel like the most important thing to me, so I think I approached this relationship with Ali more like a really deep friendship.

When I saw Ali online they listed their sexuality as asexual, so I was really keen because sex isn’t that important to me. I was more interested in finding a number one companion who I could do “life stuff” with, potentially buy a house and have a kid together. Having sex off the table felt like a relief.

Over the year we’ve been together, our relationship has developed very slowly. About four months in we started holding hands, then hugged a bit more, and then we slept in the same bed but didn’t have sex. In recent months we’ve begun to have sex – it developed slowly. We just have very good communication in terms of talking about what we want or like: do we want to be touched, or do we not?

I can enjoy sex but also I’m totally happy just having a cuddle or a nice meal. I love Ali, and they’re my partner – I definitely fancy them. But I also see them as a really close friend. I feel romantic and sexual desire, but I feel it in a very queer way – I never relate to mainstream ideas of those things. For me it’s that feeling of trust, safety and real connection.

If we stopped being physically intimate, or it wasn’t something that either of us wanted any more, that wouldn’t be a problem. We’d still find intimacy in cooking nice meals together, or sitting on the sofa and having a really good chat.