Neuroscience says: Letting your child try and fail Is the key to effective parenting
It’s no secret that modern parenting can sometimes feel like a never-ending to-do list. But what if stepping back and letting your 4- or 5-year-old tackle those “frustrating” tasks on their own could help them—and you—thrive?
New research has uncovered a simple mindset shift that could change everything: seeing everyday tasks as learning opportunities for your child. Spoiler alert: It’s backed by neuroscience, and it works.
What the research says
A recent study found that so-called ‘overparenting’—when parents take over developmentally appropriate tasks for their children—can stifle a child’s motivation and hurt their long-term well-being. But there’s good news, too: helping parents reframe everyday tasks their kids struggle with, and instead seeing them as valuable learning opportunities slashes how often parents intervene by nearly half. Yes, really.
“When an adult steps in and completes a task for a young child, it can deprive the child of an opportunity to learn how to complete the task by themselves, which potentially harms their ability to develop self-efficacy, autonomy, and other important life skills,” said lead author Reut Shachnai, a graduate student in Yale’s Department of Psychology, in an interview with Neuroscience News.
Allowing children to engage in tasks independently fosters the development of their executive functions—cognitive processes essential for self-regulation, problem-solving, and goal-directed behavior. Research indicates that parenting styles encouraging a kid’s agency (ability to choose and act on their own) and independent problem-solving are positively associated with boosted executive functions. In other words, stepping back doesn’t just ease your load—it actively strengthens your child’s ability to navigate life’s challenges in the long run.
We get it–it can be frustrating and exhausting for you to have the patience to let your child try (and often fail) at basic tasks. Just this morning, I was running around trying to get the kids out the door for school, and my own five-year-old was too distracted to put his school clothes on. It can be tempting to just get them dressed yourself. But when I pause and take the long view, it’s clear that coaching him to get himself ready is the key to making future mornings easier.
This shift isn’t just about reducing stress in the moment—it’s about setting the stage for your child’s independence and mental well-being. Prior studies (like this one) have linked declines in children’s independent activity with reduced mental health outcomes. Translation? Letting your child try and fail is one of the best things you can do for their long-term resilience.
Related: Resilient kids have parents who do these 10 things
5 frustrating kid moments and how to reframe them
Here’s how to turn those everyday battles into wins—for you and your child:
Getting Dressed
Frustration: Your child can’t figure out how to put on their shirt, and it’s taking forever.
Reframe: Getting dressed is a big opportunity to practice problem-solving. Letting them take their time builds confidence in their ability to figure things out.
Cleaning Up Toys
Frustration: They dump out every bin and walk away, leaving you with a mess.
Reframe: Cleaning up teaches them about responsibility and organization. Each time they try, they’re learning how to categorize and take ownership of their space.
Pouring Cereal or a Drink
Frustration: Milk everywhere. Again.
Reframe: Spills are part of learning fine motor skills. Encouraging them to keep practicing helps them develop coordination—and shows them mistakes are OK.
Zipping a Jacket
Frustration: You’re late, and they keep fumbling with the zipper.
Reframe: Zippers can feel tricky, but they’re great for teaching patience and persistence. They’ll be so proud when they master it.
Putting on Shoes
Frustration: They keep mixing up the left and right shoes.
Reframe: Learning left from right and how to get shoes on the correct feet is a real cognitive puzzle. This is brain-building in action!
Why this mindset shift works
By viewing these everyday tasks as stepping stones for your child’s growth, you’re embracing a neuroscience-backed parenting style that fosters independence and reduces your own stress. As the researchers explain, “Taking over less on tasks parents perceive as learning opportunities,” the study’s authors note, “naturally allows children to step into their own capabilities.”
Related: 25 phrases to inspire confidence in your child
So, the next time you feel the urge to swoop in and do it for them, pause. Take a breath. Remember researcher Reut Shachnai’s words: stepping in too often “deprives the child of an opportunity to learn” and develop critical life skills. Every frustrating moment is a chance to help your child build confidence, resilience, and independence. And as a bonus, you’ll feel a little less pressure to do it all. Now, that’s a parenting win.
Sources:
Decline in Independent Activity as a Cause of Decline in Children’s Mental Wellbeing. 2023. Research Gate. Decline in Independent Activity as a Cause of Decline in Children’s Mental Wellbeing: Summary of the Evidence.
Pointing out learning opportunities reduces overparenting. 2024. Society for Research in Child Development. Pointing out learning opportunities reduces overparenting.
The Secret to Raising Independent Kids? Let Them Learn on Their Own. 2024. Neuroscience. The Secret to Raising Independent Kids? Let Them Learn on Their Own.
Parent Provision of Choice Is a Key Component of Autonomy Support in Predicting Child Executive Function Skills. 2022. National Library of Medicine. Parent Provision of Choice Is a Key Component of Autonomy Support in Predicting Child Executive Function Skills.
