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The new 'mummy' wars: Does having children really make you see things differently?

Mary Berry has said she has the edge on Delia Smith as she has had years of her children giving her feedback on her cooking - PA/BBC
Mary Berry has said she has the edge on Delia Smith as she has had years of her children giving her feedback on her cooking - PA/BBC

'Only a mother knows how to fight like a lioness for the things they hold dear'

By Angela Epstein

Have any of you out there ever made a dish known in our house as 'alien rat food'?

The ingredients take many forms. Though broadly defined, it comprises any recipe which my children feel hasn't squared with the sophisticated demands of their palettes - highly sensitised ones with a default setting for fish fingers and cheesy tomato pasta.

These days, there's less protest  from our older three – Sam   24, Max, 21 and Aaron, 18 – about alien rat food.  Having reached a stage in their lives where closing the fridge door is pointless because they are always – always – hungry, my boys are a little more circumspect if they don't like what I make, though the culinary battle still rages with our youngest, Sophie, who is now 12. With a tongue as sharp as Paul Hollywood on triple Red Bull, she is swift to pass Damoclean judgement on anything that doesn't pass muster.

Angela Epstein - Credit:  PAUL COOPER
Angela Epstein with her brood Credit: PAUL COOPER

That's why I have to reluctantly agree with Mary Berry, who has caused controversy by suggesting she has the edge over Delia Smith on the grounds of having had children to give her cooking unremitting feedback. 

After all, when it comes to the kitchen, there's nothing like a team of unreconstructed panellists to tell you whether your dishes are pants or not.

Not that I was comfortable with the 81 year-old chef specifically finger pointing her fellow celebrity cook. Especially since Smith has previously spoken of her regret at not having a family.

But, uncomfortable as it may be to admit aloud, Berry's remarks about Delia Smith do nudge at a broader, brutal truth: that being a mother gives you a unique perspective on life.

It doesn't mean we're any better than other women - it just makes us different. And with that comes an entirely different way of looking at and dealing with the world.

Andrea Leadsom - Credit:  Geoff Pugh
'Being a mother gives you a unique perspective on life' Credit: Geoff Pugh

Not that motherhood should be used as licence to behave with a sense of entitlement, as one-time Conservative leadership candidate and mother-of-three Andrea Leadsom did when she disastrously claimed that having children made her a better choice to be Prime Minister.

But motherhood does change our behaviour, judgement and outlook. It frames our situation and colours our lot.

Only a mother really knows what it is to love unconditionally and to fight like a lioness for the things she holds most dear. There is nothing more selfless or unwavering than maternal love. Mothers know what it is, during the course of a time-poor day, to prioritise what it is most important - putting themselves way down the pecking  order in the process.   

I know that motherhood has given me a greater sense of empathy – and anxiety. I am unrecognisable from the woman I was before I had children. I'm fairer, wiser and stronger; more complex and chemical. 

As a mother,  I couldn't be more different than I was then. As for better? Ask the ones eating the alien rat food.

'Why do women think that they can get one up on you by playing the sprog card?

By Kate Mulvey

Here we go again: another female celebrity female pulling out the children card as a way of one-upping her opponent. You would think that two top chefs, Mary Berry and Delia Smith, might stick to comparing vol au vents and Victoria sponges. 

But no. Mary Berry, the former Great British Bake Off judge and mum-of-three, yesterday made a surprising jibe at her rival Delia: “Because I’ve got children, I’m very lucky because they say, ‘Don’t do that again, mum’.

“I always feel that Delia, who is absolutely brilliant, hasn’t had the advantage of having children like I have because you don’t get half the truths.”

In other words, multi-millionaire Delia, it doesn’t matter how many best selling cookery books you write, or CBEs you are awarded, you will never be as good as me because you haven't given birth, Berry appears to purport. 

It surprises and angers me at the same time that these sort of comparative comments are seen as valid. 

Delia Smith - Credit:  David Hartley/Rex Features
'Berry's statement erodes who I am' Credit: David Hartley/Rex Features

Why do women like Mary Berry and Angela Leadsom routinely play the sprog card?

I too am childless. I too am a career woman. I have several published books, have made countless television appearances, you name it. Does the fact that I happen not to have procreated mean that I am not qualified for the job? 

Berry seems to think so. Yet her statement negates who I am. It erodes my personality. It affects my status not only in society, but in my head. ‘Not worth as much’; ‘second class’ runs around my brain. 

The assumption that unless you have children running around the house you cannot gain insight into the world or be a fully developed human being is a silly notion that should be thrown away with the soggy bottoms.

Yes, children test you and pull you up on your failings. You don't need to have given birth to one for them to do so, as my nephew pointed out while looking at a recent Facebook post of mine. ‘Kate, that is so age-inappropriate,’ he said, chortling with glee. Did it suddenly make me a better person?

Kate Mulvey - Credit:  Andrew Crowley
Kate Mulvey: 'uppity children take your time, emotions and energy' Credit: Andrew Crowley

No. All it meant was that I took the offending item back to Topshop. And I have lost count of the times my nephews have uttered the words ‘don't do that again’ - whether it is my habit of arguing in public, or a funny face I pull inadvertently when I appear on the telly. Let me tell you there is no harsher critic than a bunch of uppity teenagers and pre-teens in full flow. 

But by the same token, uppity children also take your time, emotions and energy. 

As Delia pointed out, ”Maybe one of the reasons I've been so successful in my career is down to the fact I haven't had any children.” 

And she is right. The pram in the hallway does not mean a sudden conference of super-human qualities, as Berry would have us imagine. It means a limited amount of time and resources to follow your career. It means sleepless nights, ferrying kids to and fro and slumping in front of the telly, exhausted.

I, however, have lived a life of unfettered freedom to take on projects, write books and travel. I also have the one commodity mothers lack: focus. 

So come on Mary, stick to what you are good at: sharing cooking tips, rather than your views on non-mothers like me.

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