I am a 'boundaries expert', I'm on a mission to teach women how to say NO

Michelle Elman, 30, from London, is an accredited life coach, boundaries expert and broadcaster. She has more than 250k Instagram followers and is the author of several books including How To Say No, The Selfish Romantic and The Joy Of Being Selfish.

I think I first began to learn how important it was to set boundaries after having 15 surgeries before the age of 20. It made me reevaluate my life and question what was and wasn’t important. Being so close to death at such a young age has made me live life with a certain intensity, something I might not have done otherwise.

It stemmed from the realisation I had, lying in hospital, that I might not get the 90 years I thought I would and that life could end in an instant.

I have, through sheer bad luck, had everything from a brain tumour at the age of one to a punctured intestine, an obstructed bowel, a cyst in my brain and a condition called Hydrocephalus (a build-up of fluid on the brain.)

My hospital visits have often coincided with key moments in my formative years – my first year of primary school and the start of secondary school, then my second year at Bristol University. It felt as though I had to start again from scratch each time, trying to make new friends after I had recovered. I inevitably became a people pleaser and tried to be all things to all people to fill in the gaps.

Realising I was a people-pleaser

At one point, I had around 30 so-called ‘best’ friends and had got into the habit where I had become the ‘leftover’ friend whom people would ask as their plus one if no one else wanted to come.

At the time, I was still reeling from all my hospital trips and was desperate to keep people in my life. I was frightened of being alone and had got into what I now realise was an unhealthy relationship.

One night, I’d gone to a party without my then-boyfriend. At the time, I was pretty much glued to my phone, but I hadn’t checked it for the entire evening. When I looked later that night I’d had something like seven missed calls and all these messages from him asking where I was. I called him back straight away, in a panic.

"What’s happened? Is everything okay? Are you all right?" I asked.

"Oh yes, everything is fine but what happened? You’re usually at my beck and call," he said.

Later that night, I came back to find all my housemates arguing – I can’t even remember what about now – when one of my housemates made a jokey comment about how difficult it was having to put up with me. It wasn’t related to anything in particular – just a sly dig.

I realised there was something I was doing which made people think it was okay to treat me that way. 'Why am I tolerating this?' I thought to myself.

I had never once asked myself what I was getting from these relationships. I decided I really needed to try and put a few more boundaries in place.

Learning to say no

I don’t know anyone who has gone from a people pleaser to a boundary setter in a short time. It takes time and practise. I always tell people it takes around five years. You have to start small and it can feel clumsy and awkward at first.

The fact is, if you’re used to being the people pleaser, it can make people feel uncomfortable when you try and put a boundary in place and you’ll probably lose a friend or two along the way.

I remember the first time I did it. A friend called and asked me if I wanted to go to the pub, and I immediately, out of default, said yes but then realised I actually didn’t fancy it. So I called him back and said I’m not coming anymore. "Why not?" he asked. I just told him I didn’t fancy it anymore but I realised later, that if you’re cancelling on someone, you do need to offer some sort of explanation.

Becoming a boundary expert

After doing a degree in psychology, I wanted to become a psychologist but I realised I still had PTSD from all my surgeries. So I went to see a life coach and then ended up doing a life coaching course in London. It was important for me to be accredited as I know there’s still a stigma around life coaching in general as it’s so unregulated.

I set up my coaching company, Mindset For Life, in 2014 and qualified as a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner and coach, and master hypnotherapist.

I like to share my experiences to help make people feel less alone and over the last 10 years or so, I’ve focused on writing four books and building my social media accounts. I stopped seeing clients around the time of my third book, in 2022, so now I do my coaching through a different medium – my social channels.

Sharing my experience

I do Q & A’s on my Instagram every Monday and I have also have been running the 'Boundaries Bootcamp' with tips on how to put boundaries into your daily life.

I recently did one on 'how to tell people you don’t want to go to an event'. The key point is, you don’t have to have a reason not to go. You can just tell them that you are unavailable and say something along the lines of: "I can’t make it but thanks for the invite and hope it goes well."

I also recently did a post about how boundaries and people pleasing were at opposite ends of the spectrum. Ultimately, you don’t need to understand my boundary in order to respect it. People pleasers always try and over-explain things but actually you don’t need to.

Friendship boundaries

Lots of the things I talk about in my books and social media go against a certain narrative or the misinformation that you often see perpetuated on social media. For example, I recently talked about how you don’t get much sympathy around breaking up with a friend as you do with a romantic partner, which resonated with people.

I got so many comments and messages about it. One said she had sabotaged so many new friendships because she had been made to believe that she was a terrible friend in a previous friendship. Another said she was still grieving from a friendship break-up nearly 10 years ago.

I had another message recently from someone who had read my latest book, How To Say No. She said how my book had helped her to break certain thought patterns and that she was looking forward to being more empowered in her approach to dating. It always gives me a warm glow when I read those sorts of messages and reminds me why I do what I do.

Going forward, I’d like to focus more on friendship boundaries and break-ups. It’s something I get so many messages about and an area which lots of people struggle with.

A healthy relationship

I don’t want to sound like a cliché but, after being single for eight years, I think I may have found 'the one' and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. We met on an app and got together just after lockdown in August 2021, then moved in together a year or so later.

We’re opposites in pretty much every respect – I’m an influencer, he works in finance, I love social media, he hates it – but somehow we work. It’s my first serious relationship and I've realised that putting boundaries in – such as telling him I won’t put up him with him being late and respecting the fact he doesn’t do social media – is key when it comes to my own relationship too.

I've been able to create the relationship I want and it’s amazing to have someone who loves me just the way I am.

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