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The 'miserable in midlife' trap is real – but I'm determined not to fall in

Phil Robinson says thoughts of mortality hit in your 40s - Rii Schroer 
Phil Robinson says thoughts of mortality hit in your 40s - Rii Schroer

It’s not just the lockdown. There is so much about your late forties – midlife – that seem to suck the fun out of existence. For many, this is the first decade in which everything suddenly becomes heavier. There is so much good news in your twenties and thirties your friends are finding partners, landing great jobs, making babies. 20 years later, logging into the fifth Zoom call of the day, kids in college, you finally ask the question: what about me? Nursing another pointless hangover, bank account continually emptying, knees creaking, you walk into a midlife crisis like an open cupboard door.

This week a study by former Bank of England economist David Blanchflower confirmed what we all suspected: that people are most miserable as they enter midlife, the worst year of all being 48. The survey asked the following question in 145 different countries: “Overall, how satisfied are you with your life nowadays?” Around the globe respondents in their late forties gave the most doom-laden responses.

At the beginning of the lockdown, age 47, I found myself in ICU at the bedside of my mother, who had had a stroke. There I was worried about work, paying the mortgage, my A-level student son getting his grades. Yet here I was reassuring her, making notes as doctors talked. There was so much happening that I didn’t feel able to give any problem the time it deserved. Conversations have turned to death and damage limitation, trusts and wills and finding answers to questions I would really rather not ask. Self-pityingly, I felt I was a year into midlife and already preparing for old age. My childhood never felt further away in the rear-view mirror.

Midlifers know all about mortality – what was distant suddenly becomes gloomily present. Add in frailty – in midlife bits start to banjo, and drop off. People you know and love – parents and your peers will have health scares, screenings, minor and major operations and some will die. Because of all of this, even having fun feels like more of a conscious effort. People who used to be in a couples will be single, some will be in rehab, others feeling their age will need to go to bed earlier and become deeply boring because they suffer from terrible haemorrhoids or even gout. Suddenly we have all become more sensible. Carefree was yesterday.

All of this adds to the ever-present fog of ennui that hangs over midlife. As a journalist, I have travelled around the world and done some amazing things – I’ve written novels – but I don’t seem to be able to avoid the feeling that I haven’t actually achieved anything. I know I’m not alone in experiencing disillusionment. We pick our prospective careers (and partners) at a relatively young age. By the time we begin to reach full maturity – at around 45 – these choices can feel completely mismatched with the people we have become.

Some of my best friends have come to realise that corporate careers which have been life-long projects, are actually sucking the joy out of their lives. They realise that big salaries that once brought a sense of prestige do little more than service a huge pile of debt. From a distance it seems that the price of financial security is depression.

Some have made serious plans to simplify their lives. Superficially they are cashing out of London. In reality they are in search of a lighter existence. They want to feel like the people they were. This feels like a journey best undertaken with the person you started it with, and I am lucky that I managed to choose my partner well.  The sad thing is that so many couples that always seemed to be such good friends and have so much fun, now seem suddenly unable to talk to one another. Complicating this is the menopause, which seems to completely confound most men. I think at midlife we all become that bit angrier, that bit more intractable. We all say things we shouldn’t.

I plan to fight all this. I have no intention of becoming more miserable at 48. At the point in my life that my responsibilities and obligations feel heavier than ever, I plan to duck the cupboard door by being more, not less grateful for all that I have.