I had a total breakdown, but now I’m happier than ever
Paul Wren, 53, from Kent, had a successful job and was and married with two young children when a turn of events caused him such stress that he suffered a mental breakdown. Here’s how he rebuilt his life and found happiness again...
Back in 2016, life was going well. I was a successful senior IT engineer, and my wife and I had just booked a cruise to celebrate our 10-year wedding anniversary. We were feeling financially secure enough for her to go part-time, working for the ambulance service doing night shifts, so she could spend more time with our two young daughters. We had no real worries.
That was until the day a letter from my employers dropped on my doormat. I opened it to see the words, 'We regret to inform you…' and my heart sank. I was at risk of redundancy, just as we’d booked an expensive trip and my wife had cut back on her work. I read it three times, thinking, 'This can’t be real.' I’d been working there since 2001 and it was a total shock.
That night, I put the kids to bed and sat staring at the wall. I went into panic mode and couldn’t sleep, thinking that life was about to implode.
It wasn’t great news for my wife, who was shocked to hear this when she’d just gone part-time. Over the next few days, I found myself getting snappy with her and daughters. My eating habits became a real mess as well. I had no appetite for dinner, but then I’d eat five bags of crisps in front of the TV, basically eating my emotions.
Growing anxiety
During a stressful morning trying to get the kids to school before work I sat in the car and had a big cry. I now know I had many classic anxiety symptoms: sweaty palms and a fast heartbeat, plus I was very jittery and on edge.
I often felt like I wasn’t in the room, too. Whenever I was with the family, I was staring at my phone or looking out the window, completely distracted. I’d always try to get the kids to bed early, just so that I could have a bit of headspace.
Things got worse over the next few weeks. Because my job was under threat with the company, I was going above and beyond. My role had always involved travelling to different locations but I was now agreeing to do jobs hundreds of miles away, when before we would have worked it out between myself and my colleagues as to who was closest.
I’d respond to every email instantly and every time my phone rang, I grabbed it straight away, expecting bad news. I was on tenterhooks constantly, but I never told my employers about how I was feeling.
I had all the classic symptoms of anxiety – sweaty palms, a racing heartbeat, very jittery and on edge all the time.
Then finally it all came to a head. The long journeys, driving for two or three hours each way to work, had all got too much. I’d arranged with nursery and school clubs to drop the kids early, raced around to one school, over to the other school and then drove for three hours to a job.
Hitting rock bottom
I spent the day in a complete panic, running around trying to get the job done. Then I had to race home to take over from my wife with the kids so that she could do her night shift.
Then came the final straw. I was driving along the M4, already worried about the time, when we came to a standstill and the traffic report said the motorway was closed. I flew into a panic. I started making phone calls, begging for favours, asking people to look after the kids. I felt overwhelmed and completely out of control.
Looking back, I was having a breakdown. My mind was racing to the point that I was in the middle of a hurricane.
After that, I just sat there on the motorway and some very dark thoughts crept into my mind. I looked out of the window at all the cars going the other way and thought started to have suicidal thoughts. For a moment, I wasn’t thinking about how it would affect my family, I just wanted these feelings to go away.
Looking back, I was having a breakdown. My mind was racing beyond belief. Then suddenly the phone rang and it was my sister. It was a call that may have saved my life. I didn’t want to tell her just how bad I was feeling but I tried to open up about how anxious I was. She told me she’d just been at a networking meeting with a 'mind coach' who may be able to help me and connected us immediately.
Finding support
Upon talking to him, I finally shared the truth about my anxiety, depression and dark thoughts. He asked me to come to a session that weekend and I had nothing to lose, so I agreed. I knew it wouldn’t solve all my problems, but it might make me feel better. That focused me on my journey to finally getting home, though I don’t really remember the rest of that drive.
Once I got home, I cried, looking at my little ones fast asleep, terrifying myself that I’d had these dark thoughts.
Once I got home, I looked at my little ones fast asleep and cried, terrified of where my mind had taken me. Imagine if they’d woken up in the morning and my wife had to say, "Daddy's not coming home ever again." What had I been thinking?
I tried to hide my feelings from my wife, but a couple of days later, when we were talking about money and her job again, it all came out.
Telling my wife the truth
It was the first time she’d seen me unravel like that and it was a shock to her to know I’d had those suicidal feelings. The following day, I went to the mind coaching workshop, where we did a mini meditation to calm me down. Then we did a session where I worked on learning what I can and can’t control. I learned how to cope better with situations that I can’t control and see the positives in them.
I almost floated out of the room, feeling calm and relaxed at last. For the first time, the possible redundancy that had caused this extreme anxiety felt like something I could cope with.
I thought, 'If it happens, we'll deal with it.' It sounds silly, but it hadn't even occurred to me until I was in that session, that, if it happened, I would be ok. For a start, I would have a big chunk of redundancy money, we weren’t about to be homeless.
It was the first time my wife had seen me unravel like that and it was a shock to her to know I’d had those dark feelings.
Next, I got my diet back on track and learned about nutrition and what to eat to feel better. I also started exercising and read a lot about mental health. I kept talking, opening up to my male colleagues about how I was feeling and discovering that they were also struggling.
A brighter future
Over a month after receiving that letter, I discovered that my job was safe for now. For a while, work carried on as normal, but that workshop had been so transformative for me, I decided it was something I’d like to do myself. If it could help me with this gut-wrenching anxiety, what if I could help other people to change how they felt too?
A year later, redundancy was threatened again. It was down to me and one other guy who was really worried about it, and I decided to take the plunge and volunteered to leave. This time, I was doing it by choice and it felt amazing.
I’m now fully trained as a mind coach to help people manage anxiety, stress, insomnia and all sorts of issues. I’m also a certified mental health first aider for NHS England, which helps me to signpost people on where to go for more help if they need it.
I look back at what I went through with almost an appreciation – it didn't break me and it shaped my next journey in life. Sadly, I lost my mum two years ago and it gave me the tools to cope and to help my sister through her grief. If I can deal with something that feels so terrible, I can handle whatever else comes along, because what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Paul is a mind coach, certified by the Complementary Medical Association.
If you are experiencing suicidal feelings, remember you are not alone and you can contact The Samaritans any time, day or night on 116 123. You can also email the charity on jo@samaritans.org.
Read more on mental health:
The most common mental health conditions – and where to get help (Yahoo Life UK, 4-min read)
Seven things to do during a panic attack (Yahoo Life UK, 5-min read)
LBC presenter wants to improve workplace mental health after bulimia struggle (Yahoo Life UK, 8-min read)as
