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Melian Mansfield: ‘I’ll never get over Anna’s death, but it’s crucial that life goes on’

Melian Mansfield has just turned 75, yet pursues a schedule that would floor a person half her age. But, in truth, she wouldn’t want it any other way. Her work and her family have helped her through one of the cruellest blows to any parent: the suicide of a child.

 On May 1, 2015, the unthinkable happened: Melian’s bright, beautiful, high-flying, second-eldest child, Anna – the 44-year-old mother of two boys aged six and three – took her own life and was found in the bathroom of their London home by her husband, Carlo.

Anna, who was facing problems at work, had a history of depression. So too did Melian’s own father, Lt-Cdmr Breon Bordes, following war service. One of Anna’s relatives was diagnosed with schizophrenia while at university.

We sit today in Melian’s homely north London kitchen, where the table is thronged with cards from family and friends for this unassuming matriarch’s landmark birthday, including one from her ex-husband and father of her five children: the campaigning civil-rights QC Michael Mansfield. In a tribute to how hard his ex-wife works, he writes: “I hope you find time to celebrate.”

Her work as an educational campaigner has been something of a solace over the past 18 months. “It keeps me focused; it has helped enormously,” she admits.

This is the first time that Melian has spoken publicly about the loss of her daughter which, she explains, is still raw. “It’s very difficult to say what I feel because it’s so devastating. What could we have done? Although Anna did confide in me a lot, I could never have foreseen what she would do. She had problems at work, but she had such good friends, an amazing group who talk so animatedly about her still. She was so much loved by everybody.”

Melian raised her children alone, after her marriage with Michael broke up in 1984, when their youngest, Kieran, was four; the oldest, Jonathan, was 17, Anna, 14, Louise, 12 and Leo, 10.

Michael went on to marry film-maker Yvette Vanson (although he is now with a new love, 53-year-old Yvette Greenway, and is believed to be divorcing his second wife).

In a 2011 joint interview with her father, Anna talked about his “devastating” departure; and in his 2009 memoir Memoirs of a Radical Lawyer, he acknowledged that “the innocent victims were our five lovely, long-suffering children”.

The picture Melian paints today of Anna is of a warm, funny, clever daughter – a daddy’s girl who became the emotional centre of the family as mediator between her parents after their split. She was so multi-talented that, at first, several careers beckoned.

“After university, Anna started out as a children’s play-leader,” recalls Melian. “She then trained as an aerobics teacher. She was very sporty, brilliant at gymnastics and a good swimmer, ice-skater, footballer, horse-rider and dancer. She played four instruments. And then she went on to work in the media. She was such an achiever.”

Yet, according to her mother, Anna had suffered from depression “on and off” since her teens. Becoming a mother then brought tragedy, when her first child was stillborn.

Melian is still searching for clues as to whether Anna’s bouts of depression were made worse by tough experiences or hormonal issues. It is clear that the biggest frustration is her abject helplessness in the face of it all.

It is a sadness that ripples out to the rest of the family, with one of Anna’s relatives having been diagnosed as schizophrenic, something neither Michael nor Melian have ever talked about publicly. “Anna’s death has been very tough for everyone,” she says.

In August 2015, three months after Anna died, Michael Mansfield gave an interview to this newspaper about the loss of their daughter and the Silence of Suicide (SOS) forum he set up to raise awareness of the subject. “It was a brave thing to do in a way,” says Melian now. “I think it’s important for him to do it, it’s how he operates, he’s a big communicator and much more open about things. Whereas I couldn’t possibly have done that because I’m a much more private person.”

Melian drew support from a group called The Compassionate Friends, for parents who have lost children through illness, accident or unforeseen events. NHS grief counsellors, she says, provided crucial help to the whole family. “That service was completely free; they were amazing to us.”

Today, Melian pours her energies into campaigning, with a focus on championing comprehensive schools. This stems from her own childhood experiences when her younger sisters, Alison and Jacqueline, failed to pass the common entrance exam. It divided the family and they were sent to boarding school instead, which her parents could ill afford, while Melian attended the local grammar. “I didn’t get to know my sisters properly for years,” she explains.

It is the reason why this former French and maths teacher now trains school governors and is chair of the Campaign for State Education (CASE). She is fiercely opposed to Theresa May’s plan to open new grammar schools, which she feels would similarly stigmatise a generation of children. Not to mention, she adds, how it could put financial strain on parents feeling pressured into paying for private education over worries about second-best “sink” state schools.

Understandably, she supports another of Mrs May’s pledges – for more mental health funding. A regular babysitter to her grandchildren, including Anna’s two sons, they are, she says, a constant reminder of its importance. “Anna was the focus of our family: a great mother, daughter and sister, and there was such an outpouring of love for her,” she says.

And in an example of how grief can lead to bridge-building alliances, she tells a touching story about help from Michael’s new partner, whom Melian met for the first time last summer.

“The important thing is that she is very nice to Anna’s boys; they’ve been to stay with her and Michael at their new home,” she says.

“The grief is never-ending and I’ll never get over Anna’s death. But what’s crucial in the end,” she concludes, “is that life goes on.”

Helpline for The Compassionate Friends, visit: tcf.org.uk; call: 0345 123 2304 or email: helpline@tcf.org.uk

For The Campaign For State Education (CASE), visit: campaignforstateeducation.org. uk