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Meet the friends fighting to break the taboo of male cancer - and stop fathers and sons suffering in silence

Cancer survivors Daniel Marks (left) and Jack Dyson (right) wearing blue shirts in support of their charity, Father and Son Day - Daniel Marks
Cancer survivors Daniel Marks (left) and Jack Dyson (right) wearing blue shirts in support of their charity, Father and Son Day - Daniel Marks

When a woman or someone close to her receives some bad news about their health, frank conversation about all the emotions is usually a given. Less so for men. Daniel Marks and Jack Dyson have learned this the hard way. Daniel was 17 when he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Jack was 27 when his own diagnosis came. 

When the friends meet now, it is not the typical “man chat” topics of rugby, beer or car engines that dominate their conversation; rather, their respective brushes with the disease they both survived.

Both caught it early, had operations to remove it and went on to make full recoveries. But in a cruel twist that came decades later, both were forced to watch as their fathers went through excruciatingly similar diagnoses and treatment. Daniel’s father withstood prostate cancer 20 years ago - eight years after his son’s recovery - and after an operation, recovered without chemotherapy. Jack, however, lost his father John to bowel cancer six years ago. 

Jack Dyson and his father John - Credit: Jack Dyson
Jack Dyson and his father John Credit: Jack Dyson

Experiences no-one would ever wish to share, the grim reality of hospital appointments, stitches, phone calls to family - and, with it all, the feeling of masculinity being undermined - were lived through by both. The result was a fervent belief among the two friends that men need speak more candidly about the disease.

“Women are brilliant at forming a sisterhood,” says Daniel, 45, when I meet him and Jack in Daniel’s London office. “Whenever women are not well, or have family members who are not well, there is a clubbing together for support, but men typically don’t reach for that conversation.

There is a classic set of words associated with men around this: ‘fighting cancer’, ‘strength’, ‘stiff upper lip’ and ‘straight-backed’ – all these archaic masculine values that don’t feel relevant to going through this process. It is much more of an emotional process. Girls don’t have the exclusive on that.”

Whenever women are not well, or have family members who are not well, there is a clubbing together for support, but men typically don’t reach for that conversation.

Daniel Marks

Despite a general raising of awareness around men’s health issues in the past  decade, with charity initiatives like Movember making strides in the right direction, there remains a feeling that the c-word is still a taboo subject for men. This, at a time when it has never been more important that the conversation be extended.

Since the mid-1970s the overall incident rate of cancer in this country has increased by a third and men have a one in 35 chance of developing it before they reach the age of 50. In 2010 it claimed 82,481 male lives.

Before their diagnoses, neither Daniel, who lives near Winchester, Hants, nor Jack, from Harlesden in North West London - nor either of their fathers - had discussed the physiological changes that can serve as red flags. And for Jack, 41, opening up to his parents 14 years ago about his condition felt excruciating.

“That was the hardest bit because it was emotional,” he says. “For a young man, processing that emotion was a lot harder than telling my mate, who just wants to see the scar.”

Founders of Father and Son cancer charity working with The Royal Marsden. Daniel (left) is wearing an Orlebar Brown t-shirt being sold on behalf of the cause. - Credit: David Rose
Founders of Father and Son cancer charity working with The Royal Marsden. Daniel (left) is wearing an Orlebar Brown t-shirt being sold on behalf of the cause. Credit: David Rose

He first realised something was wrong after noticing a swelling in his testes and feeling as though he’d been kicked. A trip to the hospital confirmed the worst: stage one testicular cancer. Fortunately it was caught in time, but once it had been removed, doctors told him he had a 50/50 chance of needing chemotherapy. He declined, and the cancer never returned. 

Though his father, John, an intrepid journalist, provided support, Jack believes he still didn’t have “the necessary tools” to truly open up to his son in his hour of need. “What he did in work wasn’t who he was. He would run towards a crisis but if it got emotional he would step back and let mum sweep up the tears,” he says.

Things changed when John became ill eight years later. He didn’t look right and his abdomen became swollen. The family thought he was putting on weight but doctors confirmed it was cancer. It knocked them for six. 

Bowel cancer | The symptoms
Bowel cancer | The symptoms

“It was all over within six months,” says Jack. Towards the end, his father asked him to go out and buy as many passion fruits as he could for his mother. It was their wedding anniversary and he wanted to show her he still had passion for his wife.

A few weeks later he had died. Jack compares those last months to “being tossed into a really big scary stormy sea,” but also as a period of intense change within their relationship. The dynamic between father and son became “more reciprocal, more tender, more gentle and powerful”.

It’s a sentiment echoed by Daniel. “When my father was sick with something I had already had, it felt as though there was a growing up I had to do and a maturity that needed to be applied. We had adult-to-adult conversations, not father-to-son. To change that dynamic to be on an equal footing and know each other as adults felt incredibly significant.”

Daniel Marks and his father Len  - Credit: Daniel Marks
Daniel Marks and his father Len Credit: Daniel Marks

Yet it wasn’t until fairly recently that he had his frankest conversation with his father, Ken, now 86, about his prostate cancer. 

“He told me he found that he really needed to pee. He said, ‘I was walking with your mother and I had to go for a wee in that minute. It was really unusual so I was quite worried.’ He said he found it really difficult to maintain an erection. Now, that is not a conversation you normally have with your dad, but it’s a really obvious signal to guys [for prostate cancer].”

Yet without conversations, how can you know? Determined to see through change in the way men communicate on the subject, Daniel and Jack set up Father & Son Day in 2014, a charity in collaboration with The Royal Marsden, to reinvigorate man-to-man conversation, provide funding to train surgeons in a pioneering robot-assisted surgery technique using da Vinci machines – those controlled via consoles by surgeons for more precise incisions - and improve psychological care for men aged between 17 and 24, a demographic that typically falls through the care net.

Already they have garnered support from Elton John, Prince William, Jack Whitehall, Mario Testino and David Cameron through social media campaigns.

And on Father’s Day today they are calling on men to share inspirational portraits of their fathers, sons or male mentors in blue shirts alongside the hashtag FatherAndSonDay – although, says Daniel, it should be the case that “father and son day is 365 days a year”. Online retailer Mr Porter and fashion label Orlebar Brown have produced father and son t-shirts to help raise funds for the cause.  

Jack Dyson as a baby with father John before either were diagnosed with cancer - Credit: Jack Dyson
Jack Dyson as a baby with father John before either were diagnosed with cancer Credit: Jack Dyson

Getting the word out helps. So does humour. Daniel has a prosthetic testicle, added soon after the original was removed – Jack does not – and the pair joke about it. 

“I’ve always been a fashion show off,” laughs Daniel, “so the opportunity to have a new accessory was not to be missed. This whole process has thrown up some brilliant conversations.”

Even a few moments in their company proves their point: talking makes all the difference. It softens. It helps lessen the burden and it lets people in. It makes cancer feel smaller. 

Now Jack has a fiancée, Jade, a daughter called Tabitha, aged 18 months, and a stepson called Jackson who is 10. Daniel, a partner of The Communications Store, a PR agency, is married to his partner Paul, with whom he has been for 21 years, and has a sprawling network of godchildren, nieces and nephews. Health is an open subject for all. 

On Father’s Day, Jack thinks of his father perhaps more than ever. The milestones they have missed together are not lost on him. “I have a daughter and he has never held her hand. I have started to do alright at work, bought a house. He has never met my stepson or my fiancée. And he was a marvellous, amazing, magic man. It is hard not to get angry about it.”

To support Father & Son Day visit Www.mrporter.com/fatherandson to buy a blue shirt or T-shirt or  Www.justgiving.com/ FatherAndSonday to make a donation.

Five cancer red flags to never ignore
Five cancer red flags to never ignore