‘I’m worried about the welfare of a stranger - I want to intervene, but fear it’s frowned upon’

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.

Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...

Dear Lala,

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I am a nanny (Mary Poppins type) and I take the children I look after to a gym with a soft play every week. There is a lady with two, maybe three children that attends. Her husband is absolutely awful to her in the way he speaks to her and in his body language. I’ve never heard a full conversation, but I’ve heard bits of them (she sits in soft play with her kids and it’s very loud). I can only imagine what goes on behind closed doors if he speaks to her like this in public. I want to ask her if she’s okay, does she need help? But I fear it’s frowned upon, she will say she’s fine. Can I help her? Is there anything I can do, I feel like because I’ve seen it I need to do something.

Lala says…

I’m really glad that you asked this question because it enables us to have a discussion about when we should intervene if we are worried about domestic abuse or child abuse. Lots of people feel compelled to help when they spot red flags in public but very often they don’t do anything because it’s not quite clear what they are supposed to do, or they aren’t certain that the flags are red enough to warrant intervention, or they are afraid of how it might come back to bite them. All of these are valid fears.

When I worked as a social worker we would often receive calls from members of the public who had witnessed a child being hit or harmed in the streets or on a bus. Usually, those people would call us after the incident, at which point it was too late because the parent and child had moved on and their details hadn’t been obtained. In circumstances like that I would always urge people to call 999 in the moment. If police are able to arrive at the scene and obtain the children’s names and addresses and investigate the incident then it gives social workers the information that they require to assess the family.

I also regularly get asked about what to do if you hear frequent arguments or fighting sounds coming from a neighbours house. In this circumstance I would also urge people to call the police if they feel worried that things sound out of control or if they happen all the time. It is better to risk wasting the police’s time than it is to risk not calling and not potentially sending necessary help in an emergency. If you suspect that a neighbour, friend or relative is being abused then calling for emergency help could save their lives. It will also help to create a record of incidents that the victim may well need at some point in the future.

So the general rule is that if you suspect something then you should call it into the police, or you could anonymously report to the NSPCC if you were concerned about children in a household but you didn’t feel that it was an emergency. In terms of your situation, it is a difficult one because you don’t know their names or where they live - so it wouldn’t be possible to make a direct report to children’s services or the NSPCC, and it’s not an emergency so it wouldn’t be appropriate to call the police.

Your intuition and the behaviour you’ve seen from the husband towards the wife certainly warrants concern and it is good that you’re keeping your eye on them. I think you’re probably right that talking to her to ask her if she is OK might not result in a helpful outcome, if she is in an abusive relationship she may be frightened, or she may not even realise that it isn’t normal. It might be better to try to strike up a conversation with her and befriend her so that over time it may be more appropriate for you to mention your concerns. Though I do feel a bit loath to recommend creating false friendships borne out of an agenda, I also think that you would be able to help her more if you established a level of communication and trust before you mention your observations; so it may be helpful for her if you attempt to do that.

The gym will have a safeguarding policy in place and it is their duty to ensure the safety of children who use their facilities. Although you haven’t mentioned any direct ill treatment of the children, to abuse their mother is to abuse them. Children are always harmed by domestic abuse between their parents, so even though this is a case of a man showing aggression towards his partner, this comes under child safeguarding because of the risks they may be facing at home by witnessing the possible abuse of their mother.

It may be useful for you to raise the issue with a manager at the gym. They will have a record of the family’s details so they would be able to make a referral to children’s services with that information if they felt it to be necessary. They may also try to speak to the woman privately to see if they can help. This depends on the quality of the manager and their knowledge about domestic abuse, you may get one who doesn’t see this as the gym’s business, you may get another who understands safeguarding policies and takes action.

It is everyone’s responsibility to safeguard children and we should all do our best to protect people in our communities, but you can only do so much and you mustn’t feel guilty if you’re not able to help her. Continue to be observant, talk to the gym management, and try to get talking to her about other things if you can. Even if she never admits to being in a problematic relationship it may be nice for her to have someone in her life who offers a safe and friendly space away from the daily bullying she deals with.

If you've been affected by any of the issues in this story you can contact the NSPCC Helpline by calling 0808 800 5000 or by emailing help@NSPCC.org.uk.

You can also call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for free and in confidence, 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.