‘I love being single but I’m dreading spending New Year’s Eve solo - I feel like a loser’
In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.
Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...
Dear Lala,
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I’ve been single for about eight years. I’ve created a wonderful life for my 14-year-old son, and I have a thriving career that I have built during that time. 95 per cent of the time, I don’t feel lonely at all, and I love my single life - except around the holidays. I find them so hard. It’s the one time I do feel lonely and I’m already dreading it. My son is with his dad this coming Christmas, which is ok because I have family visiting, but they are going home on 30 December, so I’ll be alone for New Year’s Eve. None of my friends is going to be local for NYE, either. I don’t know why I’m placing such importance on NYE because, logically, I know it’s just one night, but I can’t help but feel anxious and a bit of a loser about it. I don’t have the funds to go away myself as I’m recently back from a holiday in the US. I’d love your insights on navigating the upcoming holidays solo in a way that I don’t feel so isolated or like a loser.
Lala says…
The holiday period is, without a doubt, one of the loneliest times of the year for a lot of people. Social media has increased this. We now get a highlight reel of thousands of other people’s Christmases and New Year, and it can look as though everyone is surrounded by joy fun and laughter. It can make us compare our experiences and put ourselves under pressure to feel as though we need to have a Hallmark-worthy Christmas and NYE. And even when we’re logical enough to realise that those highlight reels aren’t showing the part of the day when they were crying in the toilet because their teenager refused to get out of bed for Christmas dinner or the part where their husband didn’t help with any part of it and sat scrolling on tinder for most of the day; it can still be very easy to compare and to feel inadequate.
I completely understand how you feel, though; even with constantly reminding yourself that it is totally fine to be on your own, and that it definitely doesn’t mean you’re a loser, it’s still hard to sit with the idea of your own company on a night where there is such pressure for it to be special. The start of a new year is celebrated at different times depending on what you believe anyway, so you could legitimately wait and refuse to accept the start of the year until February, when the Lunar calendar marks the Chinese New Year. Or you could celebrate the Nowruz New Year on the spring equinox. You can celebrate it at any time. Get together with friends and celebrate when they’re back in town.
Remind yourself that you’re not alone and that millions of people are in the same boat. I reckon that there will be people in the comments on my Instagram post about this letter asking where you are and wondering if you want to meet up. There will certainly be lots of people reading this who don’t have plans at all. It isn’t something rare that only happens to the outcasts of society. I would try to reframe it if you can. As a working single mum, I am sure that you will have had many, many days where you wished you could be on your own and not have to look after anyone or do anything. Well this is your day, make it as luxurious as possible. Fill your fridge with all the things you love, light loads of candles, have a long bath, read in peace, watch a load of trash TV. Be really cosy and make a night of treating yourself and being completely indulgent. And set your goals for next year. Make a vision board with magazine cutouts and some NYE arts and crafts to keep you busy. Or you could see if there are any volunteering agencies near you where you could offer your time - perhaps a Samaritans-style helpline or a soup kitchen. Have a Google search to see if there is anything local to you that might suit your skills.
What I would avoid doing is scrolling on social media all night, and I would definitely avoid being tempted to contact past people you’ve dated to see if they want to hang out. You’re better alone than with some person who you don’t even really like. Reframe it all. This is not a doomed night of loneliness; it’s a lovely opportunity for peace, solitude, and calm. For planning your new year, it’s a time for you to cater to yourself. You can go to bed early, and by the time you wake up, it will all be over, and you’ll be fresh in your own clean house, gloatingly watching everyone on your socials recovering from hangovers.
