Love Actually sequel: the plotlines we secretly want to see
We've all been sent into a flurry of excitement about the fact that some key members of the Love Actually cast are reuniting for a sequel – okay, a 10 minute-long sketch – for Comic Relief.
Plot details for the skit are currently under wraps but below, we've imagined, with a fair amount of artistic license, what may have happened next to Hugh Grant's Prime Minister and his tea lady Natalie, Bill Nighy's aging rocker Billy Mack and Jamie and Aurélia and the rest.
Apologies in advance to delicate readers: some of our (imagined) storylines have taken quite a dark turn...
Juliet and Mark (and Peter)
In Love Actually, we saw Keira Knightley's Juliet (sometimes wears a hat, likes pastries) marry Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor) in a romantic church ceremony.
Later on, Peter's best friend Mark (a pre-Walking DeadAndrew Lincoln) was revealed to have spent the wedding surreptitiously filming close-ups of Juliet, with whom he was avowedly "in love" – despite the fact that he'd apparently never properly spoken to her. Luckily, Juliet understood that this behaviour was romantic, rather than creepy.
But what happened next?
Fast forward a few years, and Peter has mysteriously disappeared – but selfless Mark is on hand to comfort his distraught wife, moving into the home she shared with Peter to "help look after her".
Juliet is mildly perturbed when she discovers that Mark has been hording several years worth of hidden surveillance footage of her and her husband, filmed from both outside and inside their marital home. He's had cameras everywhere.
She soon relaxes, however, when Mark whips up a few hand-made signs, explaining that he only behaved this way because he was in love.
The police have no leads on Peter's disappearance.
Jamie and Aurélia
Sad times. After marrying, despite having only a rudimentary grasp of each other's languages, and relocating to a suitably picturesque French cottage (complete with eel-filled lake), Portuguese beauty Aurélia (Lúcia Moniz) and British novelist Jamie (Colin Firth) discover that, shockingly, they don't have all that much in common.
Jamie is horrified to find that his new wife, in addition to being a housekeeper/waitress and accomplished swimmer, is also a practicing satanist.
Aurélia, in contrast, learns just enough English to be able to read Jamie's novels. They're dreadful. Really, really dreadful. Feeling betrayed, she considers making Jamie part of a murderous occult ritual, but eventually settles for a swift divorce instead.
Disillusioned with all things European, Jamie returns to the UK and joins UKIP, while Aurélia heads back home to discover that her sister, after years of therapy, has become a celebrated spokesperson for body positivity.
The couple's Provençal neighbours are relieved to see the back of them. Neither of them ever bothered to learn French.
Prime Minister David
After acquitting himself remarkably well during his first few months as Prime Minister, things start going wrong for British PM David (Hugh Grant) after an official visit to the States, where he is greeted by the US President (Billy Bob Thornton)...who again makes a pass at David's tea lady turned girlfriend Natalie (Martine McCutcheon).
Unable to accept, as per the last occasion, that women are not to blame if somebody acts inappropriately towards them, David promptly sends Natalie home, and declares war on the United States (making sure to pepper the declaration with endearingly patriotic references to the Beatles and David Beckham's feet).
His polls briefly shoot up but soon plummet, once people realise that there's a high chance they might get bombed. David's quick-thinking ministers manage to smooth over the diplomatic crisis and avert the conflict...but at the next election, the public vote in new UKIP leader Jamie, on the grounds that he seems more stable.
Jamie's first move as Prime Minister is to declare war on Portugal.
Natalie
After being sent home from America by David, Natalie meets a man who doesn't instantly make a joke about the fact that she is fat.
Baffled, she asks him why. Equally baffled, he responds that (contrary to the consensus of almost every single character she encounters in Love Actually) Natalie is not overweight.
Overcome by this unusual display of generosity, Natalie instantly proposes, and the pair marry and set up a highly profitable advertising firm together (its specialty: yogurts).
When the next election comes round, Natalie doesn't vote for David. She feels a bit guilty when Jamie gets in instead. But not too guilty.
Daniel and Sam
Heartwarming news: years after the events of Love Actually, Thomas Brodie-Sangster's Sam has maintained his long distance friendship with former classmate Joanna (Olivia Olsen) – and the pair are now in love. Their relationship even survives Prime Minister David's threatened second British-US war.
Joanna is a very rich, internationally famous pop star. Sam has used her contacts to eke out a not very successful, not very lucrative career as a drummer.
Things aren't going well for Sam's stepfather Daniel (Liam Neeson), however.
After his repeated jokes about his desire to date Claudia Schiffer (and, let's not forget, have sex with her in Sam's bedroom), the widower was delighted, at the end of Love Actually, to meet Schiffer lookalike Carol...who was played by Claudia Schiffer.
Just to make things even more eerily, unbelievably perfect, Carol, a single mum, had a son at Sam's school.
The sad yet obvious twist? Carol was never real, and Daniel has spent the past decade and a half in a self-created fantasy world.Will Sam and Joanna ever pull him back from the edge?
Billy Mack
After a successful comeback and Christmas number one, Bill Nighy's Billy Mack, "the bad grandad of rock and roll", enjoyed a brief career resurgence at the end of Love Actually – but, years on, he's again sunk into desperate obscurity.
Come 2017, his long-suffering manager Joe (Gregor Fisher) has one last trick up his sleeve: a reunion tour with boyband Blue, who are hoping to reclaim the limelight following disappointing sales of their most recent album.
Mack is reluctant – as all Love Actually fans will remember, he once made a joke, on live television, about the band having "tiny penises" – but Joe persuades him it's his only chance.
As the tour gets underway, however, Blue fall out with their own manager. In a ruthless plan, masterminded by Antony Costa, they set their sights on Joe, impressed by his tireless devotion to Billy.
Joe is tempted, but decides to remain loyal to his old buddy. Undeterred, Blue kidnap him and hold him prisoner.*
A complex, emotionally charged drama ensues, as Billy, struggling to remain sober, embarks on a rescue mission to reclaim "the f------ love of his life".
(*Disclaimer: we don't actually think Blue would do this. We'd just quite like to see them do it in a Love Actually sequel.)
And the rest?
Emma Thompson, who played devoted mother and wife Karen, won't be returning for the skit, out of respect for her late, much-missed co-star Alan Rickman, who played her husband Harry. In all honesyt their story – which saw Karen face up to Harry's probable infidelity while refusing to crack in front of their children – was one of the original film's most moving. Their final scenes together left things ambiguous, but we'd like to think the couple stayed together. And that Harry bought Karen a really nice necklace the following year. Or a £300 Joni Mitchell-emblazoned scarf or something.
Harry's love interest Mia (Heike Makatsch), however, we're not too sure about. As others have pointed out, her dialogue, characterisation and entire on-screen personality were all designed to tell us one thing: that she liked sex. Just sex. Oh, and expensive jewellery. Presumably she was really a sex robot all along. A sequel would likely see her malfunction, Westworld-style, and go on a killing spree.
Laura Linney's lovelorn Sarah, we'd like to believe, eventually found a partner who doesn't instantly sulk and give up on her after she (heinously, selfishly) takes a phone call from her mentally unwell brother instead of having sex with him. Karl (Rodrigo Santoro), we hope, spent time having some empathy coaching.
John (Martin Freeman) and Judy (Joanna Page) probably became exhibitionists.
And as for Colin (Kris Marshall)? His entire plotline saw him travel to America, on the assumption that women there would instantly have sex with him. solely because of his British accent. He discovered this was true. We don't know how to follow on from this, other than to say sorry to any American women reading.
Love Actually reunion: first pictures of Hugh Grant and Martine McCutcheon revealed
