My London: King Charles II

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I was born in St James’s Palace, though I’ve lived all across Europe. I have mixed heritage — Scottish, French, Italian and Danish — but I am 100 per cent party animal.

Where would you recommend for a first date?

We’d start with a boozy drag brunch at Dalston Superstore; I always somehow manage to misplace my wig there. Then some karaoke (I do a simply impeccable ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day’). After that we’ll go to Torture Garden and then prance around the Tower of London legless — but luckily never headless!

Any memorable nights spring to mind?

On my last date, we were sitting on the floor, whispering sweet nothings. We get to talking about life and family. Turns out we are cousins. Easily done but I now go to a Starbies on a first date, just in case I forget their name and well... anything else.

Where do you stay in London?

Although one is, of course, accustomed to the finer things I am not averse to a night al fresco: an English oak tree makes for a cosy retreat.

Favourite grooming spot?

In the spirit of #selfcare, I follow an intensive routine to maintain my silky tresses (I’m unable to keep my hairdryer in my holster). Whenever I feel hideous, without fail I will go to Truefitt & Hill; they have been trimming my family’s hair for years. Simply the best for glam and big bouffant blow-outs.

Where’s the best place to eat in town?

I hear Pizza Express in Woking is popular with the ol’ folks! But for me it has to be a steak that deserves a knighthood, a Sir Loin.

We’ll go to Torture Garden, then prance around the Tower of London legless — but luckily never headless!

Who do you call to have fun?

Ollie Cromwell! Jokes, can you imagine hanging out with that joyless grinch? I usually give pretty, witty Nell a bell. Although I do bring plenty of fun myself — they don’t call me the Merry Monarch for nothing. Carpe the damn diem!

What do you collect?

I guess you could say my very many illegitimate children. I have 12.

Which shops do you rely on?

You can’t go wrong with M&S — it’s a British favourite. I buy all my lady friends stockings from there; rest assured they never ladder no matter what scenario you may find yourself in.

Best thing a cabbie has said to you?

‘Are you Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen?’

Most iconic Londoner in history?

I wonder! *Sighs dreamily* What’s a guy gotta do to be iconic these days — pen a blockbuster memoir? Spare me the details!

Favourite pub?

The Royal Oak on Columbia Road. Or the Royal Oak in Borough. Or the Royal Oak in Marylebone. Or the Royal Oak at the Emirates (COYG!). Failing that, the Nell Gwynne Tavern in Bull Inn Court.

Favourite building?

Definitely the Royal Observatory in Greenwich, which I founded during my reign. It’s almost as beautiful as me.

Biggest extravagance?

Although I’ve always admired virtue, I’ve never been able to imitate it. Having said that, one does love a cuppa. Credit to my wife Cathy Braganza for making it à la mode (and putting up with me). Nothing better than an afternoon blend after I’ve worked up a thirst from prancing around with my King Charles spaniels.

What would you do if you were King for the day?

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt... Which goes rather splendidly with the boots and breeches, I have to say.