What lockdown is like when you have three sexual partners

Anya Meyerowitz
Photo credit: Demetr White

From Red Online

Lockdown has been challenging for our relationships in many ways: whether you live with your partner or have been doing long-distance, the pressures and stresses of our 'new-normal' has put a unique strain on our romantic bonds.

That being said, quarantine has also helped mould our relationships in different ways too, quietened the distractions for a while and allowed us to bond with our boyfriends, girlfriends, husband and wives. But what happens if you're in a polyamorous relationship? What's the impact of lockdown then?

Here, Gillian Myhill, founder of BAREDating and a sex and dating expert who's in a polyamorous relationship shares her lockdown experience:

'Lockdown has been challenging for various reasons, but for me, being in a polyamorous relationship, and used to having two or three partners at a time, it has presented a new set of challenges, others may find unusual.

I live with my partner, and have been during lockdown, and – though this has been fun for both of us – having one partner for a long period of time isn’t enough for us. We both have very high sex drives and are driven mad by monogamy at the best of times, so it’s important to us that we find new, fun ways to make things interesting that go beyond the usual role play or sex toys.

I have had multiple partner relationships for around 15 years now, with my main partner and I regularly bringing a third person into the relationship. This is usually a mutual agreement between the two of us, and the third partners have changed various times.

I am very much in love with my partner, and he is with me, so adding another partner may be difficult for some to understand. But being able to share what we have with others is a wonderful thing. It helps to balance us out, meet our needs when the other can’t and it truly reinforces our love for each other.

Relationships can be hard at the best of times, and a third partner is a great stress reliever believe it or not. They provide new conversations, experiences and emotions that you can carry back to your main partner. All couples need defusion at times, and we believe that we are able to do this, in a healthy and productive way without reaching tipping point.

Tensions inevitably develop in long-standing relationships, so having fresh companionship and romantic and/or sexual energy that does not exclude one’s partner is really helpful from both an emotional and physical standpoint.

Just before entering lockdown, we discussed bringing someone in to join us on a more semi-permanent level, as we would have a lot of time on our hands. However, the logistics of a polyamorous relationship can be complicated, and finding the right person for both parties is not an easy feat. The pandemic made this even more difficult so, alas, it didn’t happen.

Since lockdown, we have had several conversations with people, but it has been mainly to pass the time, and to help us manage our relationship better. Don’t get me wrong, my partner and I have an amazing sex life, just the two of us, but a third person really does bring a new and exciting dynamic to the bedroom that we feel you just can’t achieve with two people. We have both been missing it. So virtual threesomes have become a key factor, but it is not the same as polyamory.

Connection is key when choosing a third person to join your relationship, and not just in a sexual way. You need to be able to have things in common and connect on an intellectual level, and they need to understand your relationship.

Normally, we would meet them at a party, or through friends, or online in forums, and go for drinks, and actually date the person. It’s fun, free and flirty. It hasn’t been the same during lockdown when you’re limited to who you can meet, and we are using sources that we haven’t previously, so security is always at the back of our minds.

Being able to connect with people helps to filter out those that are looking for a bit of fun, or just a novelty, and helps us to find people who share the same philosophy when it comes to polyamory. A lot of people are just looking to fulfil a sexual fantasy without the emotional connection, and this is against who we are as a couple.

It’s not all doom and gloom though. We have been having fun, meeting new people, and we have both connected more sexually, along with discovering a new found love of virtual sex and play parties.

We think we may have found someone, but we are waiting until lockdown is over to explore further. Until then we are using it as a fantasy. But what can be said, is that, being able to kiss, touch and be intimate with someone will never be replaced with video calling and technology.

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