I’ll never forget the acts of kindness from people when I lost my mum
No one teaches you how to talk to someone when they’re grieving. It’s awkward. It’s uncomfortable. You don’t want to make someone cry but you also don’t want them to think you’re being insensitive by not mentioning their loss. I get it, I’ve been there. But do you know what's even harder? Grieving.
When my lovely mum passed away in February of 2020, it hit me so hard. I didn’t know heartbreak was so physical, it felt like my heart had shattered into a million pieces and my whole world changed in an instant — I'd lost my anchor and my best friend.
It's true what they say about grief changing you and in the months afterwards I found myself crying everywhere. Whether I was on the train to work or in the supermarket, the tears just would keep on coming.
I'm not alone though, Hollywood actor Andrew Garfield once spoke candidly about grief while on Stephen Colbert's late night talk show in 2021. Andrew shared how his tears were important, saying, "It's only a beautiful thing. This is all the unexpressed love, right? The grief that will remain with us, you know, until we pass."
His comments seriously resonated with the grieving community when he said: "We never get enough time with each other, right? No matter if someone lives to 60, 15, or 99. So I hope this grief stays with me because it's all the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell her. And I told her every day. We all told her every day. She was the best of us."
Andrew recently teamed up with Elmo to talk about his grief and it really warmed my heart that so many kids (and adults!) will identify. "I'm just thinking about my mum today," Andrew tells Elmo in the clip. "She passed away not too long ago, and I miss her a lot."
When Elmo tells Andrew that he gets sad when he misses people, but Andrew replies that: "Sadness is kind of a gift. It's a lovely thing to feel, in a way, because it means you really love somebody when you miss them … it makes me feel close to her when I miss her."
I couldn't agree more.
With darkness there is always light and I was inundated with kindness and support in my time of grief.
And I’m not just talking about friends reaching out or family members giving me much-needed hugs, strangers on the internet even surprised me with heartfelt comments and direct messages. I am quite the over-sharer on social media and my mum was a huge part of my life so she regularly featured on my Instagram Stories. A lot of people felt like they knew her, which was so lovely and some of the messages of support I received around the time of her death were truly beautiful.
Still to this day, I get asked for advice on how to support a friend or a loved one dealing with loss. I'm always more than happy to help, giving suggestions on gifts and how to show support, but I'm definitely not perfect myself, so what can you do?
People send flowers for a reason. They can be a beautiful gift, and I really loved the bright and colourful ones as they sparked joy and reminded me of my mum. My advice would be if you know someone might get a lot of flowers, maybe send a bouquet that comes with a vase and send a sweet note to go with the flowers.
Some people dislike flowers - after all, they do die after a few days, and they’re quite the faff to arrange. If that’s the case, something they can plant is also a nice idea - a family friend gifted us a personalised rose plant called Helen (after my mum), and that was so gorgeous.
If you want to think even more outside of the box, over the festive season each year, Grosvenor Square in the heart of London's Mayfair is lit up with over 30,000 illuminated white roses for the Ever After Garden. It's free to go to and you can dedicate a rose in memory of a loved one, whilst making a donation in support of The Royal Marsden Cancer Charity. I went last year and it was such a unique and beautiful experience and I truly recommend it.
A friend of mine sent me a food parcel full of easy-to-cook meals inside, and that was honestly a god-send because the last thing you want to do is cook from scratch, or even think about food. Ditto for a voucher for ready-made meals — the practical gifts are always a winner.
Brownies and sweet treats are always a nice idea (preferably the ones that are easy to share around when they have guests), and another idea would be a book full of beautiful poems (Loss by Donna Ashworth would be my top choice) or even a journal. Another friend sent me some NEOM Perfect Night's Sleep Pillow Mist and that was so thoughtful because sleep is not your best friend.
On my first Christmas without my mum, a friend of mine — Deborah Stubbington (aka @bangonstyle) — made me a Christmas bauble with a white feather inside and it had my mum's initial on it. It was such a beautiful gift and it makes me smile every time we've decorated the tree since. If you're not crafty like my friend, Etsy has a whole category of bereavement baubles.
If the budget is a little bigger, I'm a big fan of Lillie Bernie's The Glitter Store. Lillie takes your favourite photos and adds a magic touch by using glitter. I have a few now of my mum and they make me feel joy when I look at them. Photos are really important, so even framing a lovely photo of your friend and her loved one is a really sweet gesture.
But it’s not all about the expensive gifts though, friends sent kind text messages with "just checking in to say I’m thinking of you & no need to reply", as well as sending me Netflix recommendations (sorry, but does everything have a dead parent in nowadays, or is that just me?) and news of celebrity gossip (depends on the person, obviously, but I welcomed the brief distraction).
Ultimately, the kindest thing you can do is mention their person’s name or reference the grief — that’s the best gift of all. Who can remember when Prince Harry discussed the battle of staying quiet in grief, saying: "That's the hardest thing, especially for kids, I think, which is, 'I don’t want to talk about it because it will make me sad, but once realising that if I do talk about it, and I'm celebrating their life, then actually, things become easier.'"
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Supporting others (and yourself) through grief
I reached out to Bianca Neumann, Assistant Director of Bereavement at Sue Ryder, to find out her advice on how to support a friend through grief, as well as yourself if you are grieving.
Offer to listen whenever they are ready to talk
"Make sure they know you haven’t forgotten their grief in the weeks, months, and years following a bereavement, and that you are happy to listen if they want to talk about it. Be open to whatever they are feeling at that time. If they are busy looking after everyone else, encourage them to allow space for their own feelings too. The most important thing is to listen and focus on what they are saying to encourage them to open up in a safe space."
Activities can often help people to open up
"Find a hobby or activity that they enjoy and offer to accompany them - whether that is going for a run, doing DIY, walking or watching sports. People often talk better whilst doing something and this may encourage them to open up, whilst also taking part in something they enjoy."
Be there beyond the funeral
"Your presence at the funeral may be important, but don't just attend the funeral and then disappear, thinking they should be over their grief. It’s important that you stay available for the weeks and months following, as there is no timeline for grief. As no two experiences are the same, prepare for sudden waves of sadness, as well as waves of happiness as they remember the good times and all the emotions in between. Remember, grief is something that we learn to live and grow with."
Set a grief time reminder
We all have busy lives, so perhaps set a reminder in your phone diary, to prompt you to get in touch and check in with the person you are supporting — it is ok to schedule this in and just remember the person who is grieving will appreciate you reaching out.
Remember special occasions, anniversaries and birthdays
Whilst they might seem okay around these dates, special occasions can be triggers for sadness, anger and a more sensitive mood. This pain is a natural extension of the grief process and it’s important that you’re there as often as you can to be a support. Even if you can’t physically see the person who is grieving, a quick text or phone call will reassure them that you are thinking of them during this difficult time.
Invite them to do things but don’t be offended if they cancel at the last minute
"Just because someone is grieving, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to be invited to do things that you would usually invite them to. It’s important to let them know that you understand if on the day they don’t want to come if they don’t feel up to it. If you’d usually go to the pub on a Friday night or play football on a Saturday morning, continue to invite them to things they enjoy."
Help them to seek more support if they need it
"It might be hard for them to realise when they need extra support. If you notice they stop caring for themselves, engage in harmful or dangerous behaviours or say they don’t want to be alive anymore, it is time to take action. Even if you notice they are developing unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drinking too much, or if their appetite or sleeping habits change significantly, or you note unusual behaviour changes in the months or years following a bereavement, they might need extra support. Encourage them to talk to their GP or go with them if they don’t want to go alone. Sue Ryder also offers a range of online bereavement support including an online community, where people can talk to other people going through similar experiences and there are free online video counselling with trained bereavement counsellors.”
How to support yourself after a bereavement
“Navigating death can be incredibly tough, and it can be hard to come to terms with what the future now looks like. In moments when things feel especially difficult, try to take one day at a time and put yourself first. This might involve doing something we’ve mentioned below, or it might involve doing something else. What’s important is that you do what feels right for you."
Take care of yourself
"Grief can be exhausting, so it can feel even harder if you don’t look after your physical health. This can be hard to do when you’re grieving, but it’s important to try to eat well, get the sleep you need, and move your body each day. It may take a lot of effort to get out of the house but going for a walk or sitting outside for a few minutes can help you feel better."
Talk about your feelings
"Opening up about your grief can help your family and friends support you in the way that you need. It can feel scary to be so honest, but communicating with them about what you need can ease some of the pressure you feel. Grief can be isolating but remember that you shouldn’t have to go through it alone.
"If you don’t feel comfortable going to a family member or friend, you could consider joining a grief support group. Sue Ryder offers more information about what grief support groups are and how to join one, either in person or online."
Share your memories
"Taking time to reflect on special moments with that person can help you feel connected to them as you grieve. You could meet up with others who knew and loved them, or you could set up a digital space, such as our memory box tool, to share all your photos and memories."
Find ways to remember them
"You may want to think about a meaningful way for you to honour their memory. For example, you could make a memory box, plant a tree or flower, visit a place that was special to them, or support a cause they cared about."
Write about your feelings
"If you feel like you have things you still want to say to the person who has died, or if you find yourself wishing that they were around at certain life events or moments, you might want to consider writing to them. This could be a quick text every now and then to let them know how you’re feeling, a journal entry, or it could be something longer like a letter that you write every year."
Sue Ryder offers a range of online bereavement services from a bereavement community, a text-based “Grief Coach” and counselling. Visit SueRyder if you are grieving and need some extra support.
