'Life in an empty nest was exciting, so having our son back was a big adjustment'
“Don’t get used to it,” friends warned me when my 22-year-old son moved out last year for the second time. “He’ll be back.” And sure enough, he is. And with him come a whole load of mixed emotions. Because much as we want to do what it takes to help steer our grown-up kids onto the right path, their return to live in the family home – often multiple times – after a period away can throw a spanner into the domestic works. In some cases, this scenario can even cause a significant decline in their parents’ quality of life and wellbeing, according to a London School of Economics report on the impact of the so-called “boomerang generation” on family life.
In many ways having my son’s company and noise in the house again is a joy. But it’s also a big adjustment we hadn’t planned for. After all, it’s only a few weeks ago that we’d settled into a new rhythm once his younger brother had left for university. The heartache that accompanied the end of this chapter was closely followed by a new-found sense of freedom to focus on ourselves for a change. And just living without the stress, worry and irritation that inevitably comes when you share space with young people had been liberating.
But now we feel like we’ve taken a step backwards. Psychologist Dr Linda Papadopoulos says: “When your children start to find their way in life, psychologically you have the satisfaction as a parent that you’ve succeeded in creating a self-sufficient child who can stand on their own two feet. And in this process, you have your own existential thoughts about what you want to do next, and this feeds into your identity. So, when you’re blindsided by your children’s ‘failure to launch’, or change of tack, their return to the family home can feel disruptive.”
Of course, it’s not a craving for home cooking and their childhood bedroom that’s bringing our young adult kids back – they have their own challenges to overcome. The LSE study showed that grown-up children are increasingly driven back home by rising housing costs, financial hardship and job insecurity, as well as the impact of Covid. A survey by the Resolution Foundation found that the proportion of young people living at home for at least some of their 20s and early 30s has increased significantly over the past two decades and now appears to be a permanent feature of UK society, with 23 per cent of 20-somethings living with parents earlier this year.
For some parents having their adult children back in the family home can be a source of friction, can lead to escalating household costs and even a feeling of violation of their new-found freedom. Young adults who returned to live with parents during the coronavirus lockdown added around £2,700 on average a year to the household’s costs, a Barclays survey found.
In some cases, it can mean a loss of space. For Jo Slessor, 59, downsizing after her son, Jamie, 22, left for university has meant their smaller house is a bit of a squeeze since he’s moved back home. “We’d been through the process of figuring out our life mostly without children at home and made some big life changes. I’d given up my job and retrained as a life coach. I saw this shift in our lives as a really exciting time”.
But once Covid hit, Jamie’s university life was over and his plans to travel curtailed, so moving back home was the only option. “We had to get used to being back together in a small house. And now he’s doing an apprenticeship locally, he is likely to be at home for the next two years at least. We love having him here but it’s probably not quite where any of us thought we would be. And, of course, there are differences in the way we’re used to running our lives. We’ve gone from living as a couple to living as a family again, and my husband’s back down the pecking order.”
Like many parents in the same position, Jo and her husband, Jeremy, are happy to help their son get started on his career path – but cohabiting in the long-term was not in their plans. “We’re often jostling for space. There’s a fight for who gets into the shower first, and I come down in the morning to find packed lunch stuff left out in the kitchen. Trying to do Zoom yoga in the kitchen/diner while Jamie is cooking is something of a challenge. And as a couple we’re having to take another person into consideration, and inevitably that means we’re not giving each other as much attention. But, of course, I’m also aware it’s not easy for Jamie, having been independent for three years, to lose that independence as well as his privacy. Ultimately, we love having him back home but it’s taking some adjustments all round.”
For me, since our eldest son returned to the family home for the second time, it just feels plain weird to be back to niggles like “Great, he’s used up all the milk,” and struggling to doze off through post-pub banging of doors – the kind of irritations we’d happily consigned to the past. But it’s emotionally disruptive too. Having gone from hardly seeing him (sometimes for weeks on end) I feel like I’m back on “mum duty”.
And while I don’t resent this, making room for myself isn’t easy. Plans have stalled and it’s a struggle to find my focus. Emotional distraction is the only way I can describe it. Jo concurs: “There is that mental space they’re taking up when in your home, unlike when they live away. And you can’t help but be aware of their comings and goings, and worry if it’s late and you haven’t heard their key in the door”.
Psychologist Honey Langcaster-James says: “For the primary caregiver, whether that’s Mum or Dad, having spent many years organising your life around your children, once they move back home, there tends to be a resurgence of the old role dynamics, leading to both an increased practical load as well as a cognitive load”.
For a harmonious household it’s important to renegotiate your roles in the family, communicating your needs and boundaries as to what you’re prepared to do in this new dynamic. “Part of feeling adult is paying your way, so let your child contribute to household costs if possible and add to family life, rather than being a burden.”
And don’t beat yourself up if you have ambivalent feelings. Langcaster-James says: “If you feel a little resentment at your loss of freedom, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them… If you feel guilt over your feelings now that they’re back under your roof, try to let that go.”
How to cope with domestic tensions
Negotiate expectations
“Make sure you’re not infantilising your adult child. They are perfectly capable of taking their role in the home, and it’s healthy for them to do so,” says Langcaster-James. “Have an open conversation as a family and negotiate the boundaries and expectations around the new living arrangements. Avoid falling into old patterns. They don’t need you to do their laundry or plan their meals.”
Ask how it feels for them
Moving back home could well have left your young adult child feeling disempowered. “It may have been a particularly difficult period for them that led to the move back, and they may miss living with friends and having that feeling of independence,” says Langcaster-James. Avoid setting curfews or asking questions about how they spend their free time.
Avoid parent-child interaction
Whatever age you are, spending time with your parents typically brings up feelings of childhood, and it can be easy to fall back into those roles of old. “For a young adult who’s trying to find their way in the world, it can be frustrating to get treated like a child by their parents again,” says Papadopoulos. Try to relate as adults and respect their tastes and opinions.
Stick to your plans
Keep your new life plans intact. “Resist the urge to give up social groups, hobbies and work opportunities in order to shift your focus back onto your offspring,” says Langcaster-James. “Put a stake in the ground and say ‘This is what my life consists of now’.”
Support each other
Recognise that for the primary caregiver this may be a bigger period of adjustment, irritation and conflict than for the secondary caregiver. If one partner’s burden of stress has increased, make sure you both take an active role in communication to assert the boundaries and help keep things running smoothly.
