THE FILM THAT BIRTHED A THOUSAND MEMES
Right: want to get the premise out the way so we can get on with talking about the press conference?
Well, it’s this psychological thriller, in which…
Okay, that’ll do. So what in the name of Leaping Liam Payne was going on at that press conference?
Well, personally I find it annoying when magazines talk about THAT something-or-other — THAT interview, et cetera — but this truly was the press conference of a thousand THATs. And none-more-THAT than THAT droning monologue from the world’s sexiest pop Goliath.
Yeah that was… Can he act?
Um… you know how, I dunno, Chris Moyles has got a great face for radio? Or Kate Moss has got a great singing voice for modelling? Well, Harry Styles has… great guitar-playing skills for acting.
Just kidding! He’s fine. But anyway, who cares? The whole thing is now a circus, and who goes to the circus to see whether someone can act or not?
Fair point. Okay, I’m in.
Great. Hopefully Michael Flatley’s Blackbird is still on, too: we can make a night of it.
‘Don’t Worry Darling’ opens in cinemas on 23 Sep
THE RETURN OF AN ICON
A reboot of Fantasy Football is coming to Sky, this time with expert hosts… Matt Lucas and Elis James. Don’t freak out just yet: Succession’s Brian Cox, Jennifer Saunders, Sir Trevor McDonald, AJ Tracey, Sir Mo Farah and Lady Leshurr will be on hand to, er, keep them up to date. Goal!
On Sky Max and Now from 29 Sep
THE SIXTH SHOOTER
Ready to feel like an underachiever? Willow, the 21-year-old offspring of Will and Jada Smith, has just dropped her sixth studio album, Copingmechanism. Yes, you’re right, that is almost one a year since her debut in 2015 at the age of 14, which was much later than her first song, released when she was 10. So what have you been up to?
‘Copingmechanism’ is out on 23 Sep on all major streaming services
THE PREMATURE BOJO SHOW
Two things: first, does anyone really want to revisit the UK at the beginning of 2020? And second, would it not be better to let Boris Johnson’s hot air get cold — which wouldn’t take long this winter — before putting out a six-part series about his time in office? The answer is probably yes and yes, but we’ll all be watching This England anyway, with Kenneth Branagh on BoJo duties and some guy who’s too hot to play Matt Hancock playing Matt Hancock. ‘Playing Matt Hancock!’ What wild times we live in…
Out 28 Sep on Sky Atlantic and Now
THE BLONDE AMBITIONS
With a 14-minute Venice standing-O under her belt, Ana de Armas must be feeling like blondes really do have more fun, even if they’re crying their eyes out and have actually switched back to brunette. With picture-perfect match-ups of those key Marilyn Monroe moments, Blonde, an atmospheric big screen version of Joyce Carol Oates’ novel, takes on the life and loves of the blonde bombshell — so expect even more tears on screen and on your face.
Out 28 Sep on Netflix
THE PLASTER OF PRAGUE
Are you up for some ‘gravistimulated casting’? Of course you are, you ravenous art-hound. Gravi-whatsit is the term Prague-born, Slovak artist Maria Bartuszová coined in the 1960s to describe her technique of pouring plaster into balloons. The results are gorgeously other-worldly, delicate sculptures on show at Tate Modern alongside photographs Bartuszová took of the pieces in situ, which are perhaps more beguiling than the works themselves.
Tickets £16. Until 16 Apr (tate.org.uk)
THE BIG AMERICAN ACTOR IN THE WEST END ALERT
Yes, klaxons are wailing to announce another US screen star on the London stage: Orange is the New Black and The Handmaid’s Tale’s Samira Wiley. While she may not be not going through the wringer behind bars or under his eye, in Blues for an Alabama Sky at the National, she is still in a pickle as the booming Harlem Renaissance crashes into the Great Depression.
Until 5 Nov. From £20 (nationaltheatre.org.uk)