'I'm embarrassed that my husband is bad at his job. What should I say?'
Dear A&E,
My husband, a consultant in a tech company, is really bad at his job. I had no idea until lockdown, but now, when I overhear him on Zoom calls, I cringe. He’s slow at picking things up and I can tell his co-workers don’t warm to him. I’m embarrassed by this. I know it has no bearing on our relationship but I’ve found myself being argumentative, possibly as a result. I’m the slightly higher earner but our careers always seemed equally weighted, until now. I wish I didn’t know any of this but how can I make it not affect our relationship – and do I say anything? — Perturbed
Dear Perturbed,
Living at work has been bliss for some, tough for others and a mixture for most. We tend to transition into our work selves somewhere on the commute. Then, as we come home, we shrug off the power suit (metaphorical or otherwise), and put down the documents along with the adrenaline and the attitude. Many of us, at work, are unrecognisable to those we love and, although there has been a collective effort in recent years to integrate our different selves, there can still be a surprising disconnect. Which is what you’re witnessing.
It’s also worth remembering that Zoom has a very different atmosphere to face-to-face communication, which alters the nuances. It can feel very pressurised as we strain for connection because online meetings merely present the illusion of connection. It can make people irritable and one-dimensional.
Your husband might be brilliant in person. He might need the cues that physical presence delivers. He may be feeling threatened and exhausted. Most of our professional roles have become a little flattened over the past year as we have all been boiled down to a face on a screen. You might be witnessing the ‘working from home him’, not the ‘real working him’.
The thing is, Perturbed, you married the man not the consultant. Many people have been astounded by the persona their partner presents at work. Different arenas bring out different parts of our personality. We have heard of a few people clenching with embarrassment at the sound of their partners barking ‘imagineering’ or ‘circling back’ at a screen. All this familiarity has bred a colourful spectrum of contempt. It can feel very dispiriting.
The troubling thing about your full email (which has been condensed here for space), Perturbed, is that you have shifted into ‘job-review’ mode. It sounds chilly and analytical; we worry that you are feeling all kinds of claustrophobia and resentment. We should avoid – when we are in a healthy state of mind – taking other people’s inventories: listing their shortcomings. Not much good comes of it. Stay in your own lane.
We wonder if you might also be a little triggered by sitting next to yet another middle-management male, creating a load of volume, but not achieving much. You, as a working woman, can less afford to be mediocre. But, equally, goodness knows what intimate observers might make of your – or our – working personas. WFH has not been very sexy. You are not alone, Perturbed. Your doubt and irritation will be mirrored the world over.
We would advise you ask him – quietly – if he is happy in his work. You may have been witnessing misery rather than incompetence. But, if you enter into an open conversation, then also be prepared for the possibility that he may announce that he has secretly been longing to train as a therapist, or a furniture restorer…
Hold your nerve. Now is not an optimum time to make big decisions or judgments about the people we love. We have, many of us, experienced a heightened and/or dulled down sense of self over this sad and strange year. Put on headphones, work in another room if you can, and try to do some nice things together – away from your desks. We are not designed to be all things to all people. Soon his working life will once more be none of your concern. So maybe just reconnect with the husband and allow the consultant to roam free.
Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally
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