'I'm an autistic ADHDer, these are my top tips for better emotional regulation'
Just before I discovered that I was an autistic ADHDer, when I knew my previous diagnoses of generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder and agoraphobia didn’t accurately describe my experience and was, therefore, looking for other explanations, I went through a phase of being convinced that I had either bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder (BPD).
This was because so many of my struggles came from the intensity and up-and-down nature of my emotions. I have always felt as though I’m either really happy or really sad, with not much in between, and bipolar and BPD were the only explanations for this rollercoaster of quickly-changing, intense emotions that I’d ever heard spoken about.
Since my lightbulb moment, I’ve discovered that these diagnoses don’t actually fit my experience and that the differences I have in my emotional regulation abilities are actually down to being an autistic ADHDer. ADHD means that I struggle to regulate my emotions in the same way that other people can, and being an undiagnosed (and, therefore, unsupported) autistic person in a world that was never designed for me meant that I was frequently driving myself into states of burnout, during which I’d feel my emotions even more intensely.
Since sharing my story online, I’ve heard about so many people going through the same journey of thinking their challenges with emotional regulation were down to a mental health condition or different type of neurodivergence before discovering their autism and ADHD. Maybe it’s even something you can relate to, too.
What is emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation is defined as the ability to recognize, understand and effectively manage your emotions and reactions to different situations. As someone who experiences these differences in emotional regulation, I have always felt my feelings really deeply and struggled to keep them under control.
For you this might show up in ways like:
Being prone to losing your temper.
Experiencing rapid mood swings.
Having trouble steering your moods, and so feeling stuck or unable to make yourself feel better when experiencing negative emotions.
Spiralling into intense sadness when one small thing goes wrong.
Feeling really overwhelmed by your emotions.
Having reactions that other people might deem ‘out of proportion’ to what has happened/been said.
What can we do to support ourselves with emotional regulation?
A big factor in our emotions feeling impossible to regulate is that we frequently get stuck in our heads. Especially when you have a busy, hyperactive brain, it’s incredibly easy to get stuck in a spiral of ruminating thoughts. The impulsive and hyperactive nature of my brain, combined with the trauma I have from growing up as an undiagnosed and unsupported autistic person, means that I frequently get caught up in these rumination cycles.
To pull ourselves out of this spiral, we can use a mindfulness technique to force our awareness out of our busy brains and into our bodies. I know, I know. Mindfulness feels very wishy-washy when you’re a black-and-white, literal processor and feels completely unattainable when you’re a busy-brained ADHDer whose thoughts are constantly racing around at a million miles per hour. But trust me when I say that this very simple, very logical technique is a game-changer.
When you notice that you’re stuck in a busy-brain rumination spiral, you’re going to do a really simple grounding exercise called 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
This means identifying and listing:
5 things you can see.
4 things you can touch.
3 things you can hear.
2 things you can smell.
1 thing you can taste.
Doing this helps shift your focus away from any anxiety-provoking thoughts and into the present moment. By focusing on your senses and the things happening in the present moment, you’re letting your brain know that there is no immediate threat and it therefore doesn’t need to be operating in fight or flight mode. After all, if there was an immediate danger (like, for example, a lion chasing after you), you wouldn’t have the chance to stop and think, ‘Hmmm, what can I taste right now?’ and so, in doing so, you’re allowing your brain to recognise that it’s okay to down-regulate the stress response. This pulls you away from the rumination cycles, and therefore makes your emotions feel a whole lot less overwhelming.
How to be You: Say Goodbye to Should, Would and Could So That You Can by Ellie Middleton is available now (Penguin Life, £16.99)
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