Whatever you think about Hilaria Baldwin – even if it is absolutely nothing at all, which it probably is – you have to respect her work ethic.
Barely six weeks ago, the podcaster, yoga instructor, author and wife of Alec Baldwin beguiled the internet with ‘Hilaria Baldwin and the Case of the Made Up Spanishness’, a thrilling mystery for a locked-down world involving sketchy claims of Latina heritage, vocal intonations and the word “cucumber.” Suffice to say, eagle-eyed and bat-eared social media users cracked it.
How would Hilaria follow-up? Did she have any more tricks up her billowing flamenco sleeves? Was she down for the count? Was she ever. Now, in this quiet first week in March, she is back, turning the internet into one giant monocle-wearing-emoji once again with ‘Hilaria Baldwin and the Case of the Mystery Extra Baby’, a story just as bewitching, just as inexplicable, and just as gripping as the first.
This much we know: 1) Hilaria and Alec Baldwin like having children. This is clear from the fact they have welcomed 0.58 per year between the time they married in June 2012 and the beginning of this year. 2) The average human gestation period is 280 days. This is clear from science. 3) Hilaria Baldwin had a fifth baby, Eduardo, on September 8th 2020. This is clear because she told us.
And yet, and yet… Yesterday afternoon, Hilaria and Alec Baldwin introduced us to their sixth child, scarcely five months after the last. The announcement came via Instagram, a platform on which she has 889,000 followers, with an image of Hilaria lying on a sofa practically marinating in sprog.
There was seven year-old Carmen, the eldest. There was five year-old Rafael, the next one. There was four year-old Leonardo, and two year-old Romeo. There was Eduardo, looking like a baby. And there, helpfully placed next to Eduardo for scale, was the next Russian (or maybe Spanish?) doll in the set – who, they later announced, is called Lucia.
“7,” read the caption, with a heart emoji and the word “Alec”, as if any of those things explained what on God’s green earth was going on. (Is she including Alec in the seven? Or his older daughter, Ireland? We cannot know.) The internet, of course, had a little more to say. “How am I supposed to do anything but talk about this all day in every single chat platform possible???” one person asked. “wait wait wait HOW?!!! Adoption? Surrogate?” another posted. “I mean, she does do a lot of yoga,” came one theory.
Alec, for his part, also posted the photo, but used it as a chance to further rile the web, calling back to the original mystery with the Spanish-language caption “Mi vida…” meaning, “My life…”
Later, when a follower wrote, “My first response was like, ‘Yikes’ but it’s not my business and if they love and support all of these children, then God bless them,” he replied: “I believe that people should simply say congratulations, or just shut the f**k up. That’s it.”
He’s right, of course. Could it be that, after suffering the tragedy of two miscarriages, the couple started the process of having a child by surrogate, then got pregnant with Eduardo, but kept the surrogacy going? We must respect their right to remain silent on the circumstances.
But even Alec Baldwin can’t deny (actually he can, and probably will) that his wife’s ability to entertain the internet is becoming unrivalled. This is a woman whose personal brand as an influencer is so built on authenticity that she actually said, “My thing is about being authentic”, and yet here she is, confusing the world again.
We may never know the truth, and in this case don't really deserve it. Instead, we can only wait for the next mystery delivered from the Moriarty of social media. ‘Hilaria Baldwin and the Case of the Alec Doesn’t Actually Exist, Fooled Ya’? ‘Hilaria Baldwin and the Case of the I Can’t Even Do Downward Dog, Lol’?
Whatever it is, the internet’s sleuths are ready.