“Help! We both want to drink – but someone has to drive…What do I do?“
A. Simple. Offer to be the driver (it is your turn) then the minute you arrive at the party, find the cocktail, the bigger the better, and knock it back. (This may be challenging if it’s, say, a negroni but needs must).
Once that’s done, look aghast at your empty glass, clap a hand to your head and wail: “OMG! I thought it was a mocktail!” It’s possible your partner won’t fall for this: why the almighty rush to down a mocktail? Hmm. But you will persevere: “I’m an idiot! Oh, dear! I can feel it working already… must be really strong!” and pretty soon, he’ll roll his eyes and go and find the actual mocktail, which is under a big unmissable sign marked Non Alcoholic Drinks. Bingo.
”I have friends staying, and they just won’t leave. How can I get them to go?“
A. The simplest thing is to say the heating and hot water have broken and the man can’t come out to fix it for a couple of days. Most people will take this as their cue to start packing – but it won’t work so well with handy types who know their way around boilers, or Shackleton types who will just put on another sweater and start doing star jumps. If your guests are in either of these camps, your best bet is to suddenly remember that you have to be somewhere. An aunt’s birthday perhaps (e.g. not a party worth crashing).
Alternatively, hint darkly that someone who you cannot name (for reasons you’ll explain one day) may need their room imminently. Curious types will haul you over the coals (is it a police surveillance team?) but if you start changing the sheets, they’ll get the hint.
”I received a very nice Christmas present from my friend, but mine to them is still unopened – and is a four out of 10 at best. Help!“
A. Two options. One, you kick the four-out-of-10 present behind the sofa, put on your perplexed face and start muttering about where on earth their gift from you has got to. You might want to drag one of the family into this deception (“You remember I told you to put Susie’s present in the hall last night? It was big and squashy… remember? Because where is it now? Someone must have seen it!”). In this scenario, the expensive present-giver’s present is temporarily mislaid – which gives you time to shop for something better in the January sales. The second option is to unearth something from the Hand Me On cupboard (although disappearing to wrap it may arouse suspicion). Option one is better.
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