I had an affair and now I'm stuck with the 'other woman' - how did this happen to me?
I have messed up and don’t know how to get out of it. I was happily married for 15 years and a proud dad. But at an office party I ended up kissing a colleague. Afterwards, I tried to make it clear I wasn’t interested but somehow she and I began sexting and sharing explicit photos. I wanted to end it but it was a thrill and ego boost. Then my wife found out and left me. I was very shocked and begged her for a second chance. She refused. I tried to win her back by making her jealous. I told her if she left me I would start dating the woman from work. I didn’t actually plan to do it, but my wife saw this as evidence that I was not to be trusted.
Next thing I knew, the woman from work started acting like we were an item. I have ruined my chances with my wife, but would like her to forgive me. The woman from work is nice but she’s not a patch on my wife and now I’m stuck with her. She keeps telling me how she’s always had a thing for me and can’t believe we’re finally together. She was meant to be a no-strings flirt. I was meant to be married. I’ve no idea how all this happened.
I know how all this happened. And I imagine everyone reading this will know as well.
You happened.
All of the things that took place here were choices YOU made. They may not have been especially wise choices, and it seems you regret many of them.
But this isn’t going to get sorted until you take responsibility for your actions and exercise control in what you do next.
Begin with the woman from work. She evidently sees things very differently from you, and while you seem surprised she thinks you’re in a relationship, it is clear she got that impression from your words and deeds.
Given she has liked you for a while, and believes you are an item, she is liable to be very hurt, bewildered and upset about you finishing with her. You can’t put off upsetting her, but the quicker you end things the less likely she is to be misled. There is no need to be cruel or unpleasant, or make unfavourable comparisons with your ex-wife. Simply explain this relationship isn’t what you want, that you are sorry to disappoint her, but you need her to know where she stands.
Avoid getting into lengthy discussions, a return to sexting, or any of the kind of game playing you previously attempted with your ex-wife.
As you both work together it may make things very awkward, so make a plan to be professional and calm. If it’s likely there will be issues at work as a consequence of your break up you may want to talk to your union, HR department, or manager (if available/appropriate).
If it’s liable to threaten your career then looking for a new job may be sensible as you end the relationship.
It already sounds like there has been a fair amount of excitement and drama your life. Firstly the party, then the sexting, then the breakup with your wife, and now having to end things with the woman from work.
There is potential for this to become more of a crisis. So once you’ve clearly told your colleague the relationship is over you do not need to discuss it further with her, with other workmates, or with her friends or family. Not in real life, or across social media.
Don’t be tempted to draw your wife into this as a means of winning her back, or showing remorse. Later on she may well be glad to hear your new relationship is over, but equally she may be upset to learn her marriage ended over something you consider a ‘no-strings flirt’.
You want her forgiveness, but that will only come by you acting in ways that are assertive, respectful, and self-aware.
In your letter you describe yourself as a "proud father", and it would be a shame that all of the chaos in your life affected your ability to be a good parent.
Focusing on your children, enjoying their company, plus sorting out co-parenting will be very good for you - and them.
Seek help from:
Families Need Fathers
Forgiveness from either woman is going to be too much to ask at this point, and unfair for you to expect. Leave them to get on with their lives, acknowledge the difficulties you have caused each of them, and note the role you played in all of this.
You may find after you have ended the relationship with the woman from work, and dealt with the fall-out there; that the loss of your marriage is more acute.
It may feel to you like a bereavement and it might be harder to cope with, given your actions led to this conclusion. Having friends or family who can offer you support and note what’s happened without judging or shaming you further could be very healing.
Some people find therapy useful to look back over the reasons for a relationship ending, to deal with future relationships (should they happen) more assertively, or to think about ways to co-parent in positive ways.
You caused this - but you can also fix this. People make mistakes yet can rebuild their lives if they are careful and thoughtful. If you can get beyond acting like life happens outside your control and recognise you’re in charge, then things may be better for you in the future.
Petra Boynton is a social psychologist and sex researcher working in International Health Care and studying sex and relationships. She is The Telegraph’s agony aunt. Follow her on Twitter @drpetra.
Email your sex and relationships queries in confidence to:agony.aunt@telegraph.co.uk
Petra cannot print answers to every single question submitted, but she does read all your emails. Please note that by submitting your question to Petra, you are giving your permission for her to use your question as the basis of her column, published online at Wonder Women.
All questions will be kept anonymous and key details, facts and figures may change to protect your identity. Petra can only answer based on the information you give her and her advice is not a substitute for medical, therapeutic or legal advice.
