The gospel of good housekeeping, according to Kirstie Allsopp
Quite how we’d manage to conduct meaningful lives without the regular pronouncements of Kirstie Allsopp is anyone’s guess. Luckily we haven’t had to try, because each time we’re wondering where to stick our washing machine, or what to do with an iron, up she pops with a helpful suggestion.
When we say helpful, we mean in the same way it’s helpful for someone to point to the only other single person in the office when you’re single and say: “What about him?” It helps crystallise in your mind exactly what you don’t want.
Take, as example, this sneak peek inside the House of Kirstie, offered on her Twitter feed this week:
Done ✅ pic.twitter.com/a4kpEmqgEe
— Kirstie Allsopp (@KirstieMAllsopp) February 16, 2021
No, just tea towels, I fold towels and put them under the ironing board to air.
— Kirstie Allsopp (@KirstieMAllsopp) February 16, 2021
Yes, Allsopp irons her tea towels and isn’t afraid to admit it. If you’re wrinkling your nose in objection, then you’re not alone – but we shouldn’t be surprised, because it’s far from the first time the TV presenter has tried to help us smooth over the creases in our housekeeping.
Here’s how she’s assisted us in the management of our homes for the past several years…
On washing machines
Kirstie said: “It is disgusting,” she tweeted in 2017 of a seemingly innocuous British habit. “My life’s work is in part dedicated to getting washing machines out of the kitchen.”
Suitable locations, locations, locations for a washing machine apparently include the bathroom, hall cupboard and airing cupboard. But not, for goodness’ sake, the kitchen. It would be like sticking a bed in a bedroom. Preposterous.
Our thoughts: The problem is, our bathroom, airing cupboard and hall cupboard are all the same room. The other problem is that room is upstairs. Where does she explain how to pick up your washing machine and haul it upstairs? And is it safe to do this while you’re running the spin cycle?
On wall colours
Kirstie said: “Think twice before painting a house grey, even the palest grey. It seems to be very fashionable at the moment and I’ve yet to see it done really successfully.” After dropping this heretical bombshell in 2019, she clarified that “people are using grey instead of white, and that’s the issue.”
Our thoughts: Why did you say this, Kirstie, after we’d just painted everything grey? We read somewhere that it was a shortcut to being on trend. Now we just don’t know what to think any more. All our former certainties have been shattered. Our worlds turned upside down. Our lives ruined. And for what?
On disinfectant
Kirstie said: “Why do people feel the need to ‘disinfect’ their homes? Our home is not a hospital, it's not harbouring superbugs, it's tidy and clean and well aired, but going round cleaning imaginary ‘bad’ bugs is just weird, and bad science.”
As the inevitable debate grew heated, she chipped in to add: “I am notoriously clean & tidy, always have been, it has never occured to me to use any of these vile antibacterial products. One quick Google search tells anyone what dangerous snake oil is being peddled.”
Quick Question - Has anyone ever been told by their GP that they need to “disinfect” their home or use products that “kill bacteria”?
— Kirstie Allsopp (@KirstieMAllsopp) May 7, 2019
Our thoughts: This hasn’t aged well. But bless her, she wasn’t to know that less than a year later we’d be mired in a germy pandemic in which disinfecting every surface and skin pore became our new religion.
On bed sheets
Kirstie said: "The truth of the matter is, I change them at least twice a week. I am one of those people who is a great changer of sheets."
Our thoughts: Well, presumably she needs to find something else to do in all that time other people spend disinfecting things and painting things grey. Changing bed sheets twice a week is of course insanity, unless you eat every meal in bed and also use your sheets as bath towels, handkerchiefs and shoe rags. But we’re fairly sure Kirstie wouldn’t do that.
On iPads
Kirstie said: “I smashed my kids' iPads, not in a violent way. I actually banged them on the table leg." Speaking in 2018, she described this innovative parenting technique as a stand against an unhealthy influence in her home.
Our thoughts: Sounds great, actually. Though how about instead of smashing them, we just commandeer them for our own uses. What uses? Oh, we need to go online and find someone to move the washing machine and strip the grey paint from our walls, that’s all. Don’t worry, we’ll spray them with antibac afterwards.
