Goop’s Valentine’s Day Gift Guide Is Oh-So-Goop-y

Kristine Solomon
Oh, Gwyneth. What are we gonna do with you? (Photo: Getty)
Oh, Gwyneth. What are we gonna do with you? (Photo: Getty)

Gwyneth Paltrow — she of the unattainable lifestyle goals — has upped the Goop factor in the Valentine’s Day gift guide featured in her latest newsletter. No reasonably priced dinners or jewelry to see here, folks (and certainly no chocolates, you commoner!). Nope, not for Goop.

In Paltrow’s world, a stay at Babington House, a lavish hotel and spa in Somerset, England, is just what the love doctor ordered. Don’t forget to book a session in the Mud Room of the facility’s Cowshed Spa, the newsletter warns! As if you’d dare skip that.

Not an Anglophile, per se? No sweat. Follow Goop’s lead to Asia instead and spend a holiday with your sweetie at Park Hyatt Tokyo. Stays run a mere $513 and upward a night — a drop in the bucket for a love story like yours! Besides, what’s Valentine’s Day without a rooftop pool and a view of Mount Fuji? We mean, really. Go big or go home, right?

And if you can’t quite figure out where to venture off to and don’t want to stray too far, Goop has a variety of other suggestions on domestic soil. New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Austin are all offering the very relatable Valentine’s Day activity of a one-day orgasmic meditation class. It’s only $149 for the pleasure!

But if you are staying in, Goop’s got you covered on the home front. Before you do anything, of course, you must get yourselves centered as a couple. That’s where the $195 Goop Energy Clearing Kit comes into play. “This kit comes with everything you need to cleanse your home/work space/other personal sanctuary of any and all negative energy,” the site says. That includes a bundle of California white sage, a piece of palo santo, a smudge bowl, a feather fan, an ounce of monk oil, and a shungite stone. But, you know, check your beau’s pantry before assuming he isn’t already stocked up on those essentials.

Then it’s onto the meal. Home-shucked oysters are always a romantic endeavor, and what seafood presentation is complete without a $112 porcelain plate that holds exactly seven — and what appears to be a half — oysters? And who really needs to put the whole dozen onto one plate? That’s so gift guide 2016.

Other romantic inspiration comes in the form of such delightfully essential items as a $335 resin tray with leather handles — for breakfast in bed, silly — a $395 Hermès scarf (just a li’l something), and a set of Dirty Talk Paper Vouchers in a small cloth gift bag that you can definitely justify spending $40 for instead of, you know, DIYing with a few sheets of paper and a marker. We’re just riffing here.

And anyone familiar with Paltrow’s fascination with all things vagina will not be surprised in the least that the Goop V-Day gift guide contains not one but two vibrators, somehow both under $200 (this time we’re not being sarcastic). A past guide of Not-So-Basic Sex Toys presented by Goop was a tad more pie-in-the-sky, promoting a 24-karat gold dildo, which retailed for the price of … drum roll, please … $15,000. For a sex toy.

In all seriousness, the over-the-top nature of Goop’s product picks has fascinated us for years. Just this past December, Paltrow’s holiday gift guide was packed with such outrageous booty as a $6,850 customizable pet pendant, a $8,300 Groovy Yurt for your favorite glamper, and Dennis Hopper’s personal record collection for a mind-boggling $150,000. Happy holidays, indeed.

Goop’s 2015 holiday gift guide didn’t disappoint, either. It included a World View Exploration at the Edge of Space (whatever that means) for a jaw-dropping $90,000, a $46,000 Mah Jongg set (you’d better be real committed to game night) and — brace yourself — a $125,000 pair of 18-karat-gold-plated dumbbells. Now, no excuses not to work out!

And in case you think these items are presented to you with tongue placed firmly in cheek, consider that Paltrow has proved just how out of touch she truly is as recently as last fall, when she told Fast Company, “I find, as a consumer, that the price points of some of my favorite designer clothing is so exorbitantly expensive.” Her solution? To launch her own line of Goop apparel — which included a $695 blazer that she considered a “direct-to-consumer price.”

Oh, Gwyneth. We can’t wait to see what’s next — and we’ll be cashing out our 401(k)s in anticipation.

Related: Kellyanne Conway Throws Shade at Women Who Wear Black Stretch Pants

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