What getting married in your 30s is like
Megan Markle is about to walk downtown the aisle for a second time. Regardless of the details surrounding her divorce, and her subsequent engagement, surely she’s had that moment when she’s wondered how this wedding will compare to her previous one in 2013? Or, put more brutally, is it acceptable to have a ‘proper’ wedding if you’ve already walked down the aisle once before?
Natasha McNamara walked down the aisle twice - once in her 20s and once in her 30s - and shares her insights on how she felt about both weddings.
It was the late 90s and I’d graduated from university with a budding career as a film journalist and, while marriage wasn’t really on the cards, my boyfriend and I both knew we had something special.
But life took a turn I hadn’t expected. I had been diagnosed with an illness and had to undergo treatments that were tough. My partner had similar problems. Then, a surprise pregnancy suddenly gave us hope. Nothing could be so bad a baby couldn’t fix it, right? We lost the baby and then two more. We became used to bad news.
Seeing as life wasn’t dealing us the hand we’d hoped for, we decided to take matters into our own hands. Marriage was a happy, positive step - something that we were in charge of. We were getting married for the right reasons. And, for a while, it was a good marriage. But the health problems that plagued us remained and we underwent epic amounts of fertility treatment. After several years we got our baby, but sadly we lost our marriage.
There are no hard feelings these days. In fact, we pride ourselves on the positive relationships between us, our daughter and our new families.
Fast forward to a new partner, a new house and a new baby. Having spent so much effort getting divorced I was not even remotely interested in marriage. I got a major buzz out of calling my partner (eight years my junior) my ‘boyfriend’. Having been married since I was 26 and now approaching 40, the buzz was real. And that really was okay, at least for a few years.
And then I realised I wasn’t sure it was. Mark and I had one daughter together already and another on the way and this, as far as I was concerned, was it. From out of nowhere I didn’t want to be his girlfriend anymore; I wanted to be his wife. I’m pretty sure he got the memo and on Christmas Day in 2014 he proposed. We got married in the summer of 2015. So there you have it. Like Megan Markle, I’ve loved and married more than once.
I’m no Elizabeth Taylor, but being married twice before you’re 40 does raise an eyebrow I am sure. My favourite line was from my cousin’s husband who on receiving the wedding invitation for myself and Mark said. “Oh how exciting. I’ve never been to one of Natasha’s weddings before”. But how does marriage feel when you’ve done it twice over?
A wedding and a marriage are two different things. Like having a baby and having a christening. One is a lifelong commitment - the other is a party. A very expensive and fancy party, but a party nonetheless. A wedding is a statement. Bigger than a designer handbag, it’s a message you want to share with the world: “We love each other.” But in terms of the marriage, both times I went in it for the long haul.
My first wedding (2000) was in a registry office in Devon, followed by a party at my parents' house. It was a very bohemian affair, with a riotous party that went on for days. I had no desire for anything remotely flashy for my dress - I actually chose to wear a bridesmaid dress. I recall attempting to ‘shop’ (I hate shopping, always have, always will) with my best friend. We had a bottle of fizz beforehand, walked into the dress shop in Islington, picked out a slim, slinky number and left. I wasn’t really emotionally invested at all, to be honest; it just wasn’t a priority. I actually couldn’t get out of the shop fast enough. I let my parents do most of the planning, and apart from no-one remembering to bring music to the registry office (I walked down the aisle, to erm, nothing) – it went without a hitch. I just wanted to turn up, look gorgeous and enjoy the day.
Fast forward to 2015 and wedding number two. Straight off we decided we were going to have a big wedding. Well, as big as we could afford. We both like a party and we both wanted to share our day with our friends and families and make it as memorable as possible.
I thought a lot about what I was going to wear this time. Initially I assumed I’d wear something more ‘suitable’ for a divorced mother of three. But why? This wedding was no less important to me, we’d made the decision to have a proper wedding and why shouldn’t Mark get to marry me with all the trimmings? Just because you’ve been to same place twice, doesn’t mean you’re going to have the same journey.
I think we invited more friends than family. Mark and I are a sociable couple and our friends make up our family in London. We live on an incredible street and have made so many friendships through the children. Of course, there were some repeat guests and I suspect there was some comparison debriefing over Bloody Marys the next day. Who wouldn’t?
Everything felt more personal in 2015. The marriage took place in Hackney Town Hall (minutes from our house) and could not have been more different to my Devon wedding. We organised the whole thing ourselves and meticulously planned every detail. The dress was from Kate Halfpenny and I loved every single second I got to spend in it. I had a separate lace top and beautiful full floor-length skirt. I wanted to surprise people with my dress choice. I didn’t want it to be what was expected – I wanted to be a full-on bride. The talented baker who made incredible cakes was a friend, another friend did my make-up, the invitations were designed by a friend, my husband’s suit was from a local vintage shop and the food was from our favourite Turkish restaurant in Dalston.
The most important thing for me second time round was making sure that my husband got to have everything he wanted for us – that he wasn’t in any way short changed because I had been there before. I tried to make sure it was different, but there are things that will always be the same, simply because it’s hard to stray from the path of tradition. My dad has given me away twice and made the father-of-the-bride speech twice (to be fair he’s getting very good at it).
I’ve always felt that the further I went into my 30s, the better I knew myself. I learnt how to love with respect, to honour myself and my family. We adapted our vows to include our children and I could barely say them on the day through my tears.
I don’t regret my first marriage. We did it for the right reasons and at the time it made us happy. Second time around, marrying Mark, with our children present, was the most important and emotionally significant experience I’ve ever had. I know I’m lucky for that.
First time, second time, hell third – good luck to Meghan and Harry. As the world’s authority on marriage and divorce Zsa Zsa Gabor once said: “Every girl should be married at least once in her life. It’s a must.”
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