‘My friend and I went after the same job – I lost out and now I'm miserable’
Dear A&E,
My best friend and I met at work 20 years ago, so I suppose it was inevitable that sooner or later we’d go for the same role. Now, it’s finally happened: she got it and I didn’t. I can now hardly bear to see her because I feel so miserable about it. How do I come back from this?
– Resentful
Dear Resentful,
Going for the same job is like going for the same house or the same man: there is disappointment woven into the fabric of the situation because there is always going to be a “winner” and a “loser”. Your friend is likely to be feeling most peculiar about this state of affairs – unless she’s the kind of mercenary sociopath who has been waiting 20 years for the perfect moment to scythe you down. If we are dealing with that, then we have a whole other set of problems. So let’s just assume that the friendship is healthy, but the circumstances are tricky.
Listen, Resentful, lifelong friendship is a wondrous thing, but it is also an obstacle course, strewn with hurdles and challenges. This is one of those tests, and you two will pass it… or you won’t. These strange and stressful moments happen across myriad territories: lovers, mental illness, money, babies, no babies, and the rest. That is not to say that these moments are not very hard and extremely painful. Our close friends hold our hearts in their hands.
So, allow yourself to feel sad and envious. You are only human. We are all programmed to expect huge magnanimity from ourselves at all times. But the more you try to push these feelings down, the more they will find a way to pop up – like a beach ball in a swimming pool – with increasing intensity. And so they will build. And then you’ll feel resentful about feeling resentful. And then it all starts to get rather dirty. Feel the failure. Accept the vulnerability. This is tough, and it’s OK – crucial, in fact – to acknowledge that before you take action to make sure that you don’t get stuck in the quicksand of resentment. If you actually go through things – rather than go around them – the emotional process will tend to be quicker and more efficient. It is a process, Resentful. Forgive yourself for finding this hard.
If this really is your best friend, at some point you need to tell her that you are having these difficult feelings. That you are proud of her (you’ll get there), but also confused and panicky and sad. Tell her it’s not her fault. Tell her that you love her and you are working through this and you hope she understands. She will. Or (see above) we have a whole other set of problems.
Then, when you have opened the communication lines, you can think about what to do next. Remember that her success could work in your favour; she will have new insights, connections and information that she might share in order to give you a deepened understanding of the industry landscape.
This was not the only job in the world. Although your self-esteem has taken some punishment, understand that she might not have been a “better” candidate; she might just have been a “better” fit. It may be worth seeing an executive/career or life coach to help propel you to the next stage. Ask around – people are usually willing to share these contacts – and then you can focus on establishing yourself as the strongest possible contender when it comes to the next job application.
If she is a proper friend, she will be your cheerleader. But be your own cheerleader, too, Resentful. Putting yourself out there is a risk. It takes courage. There is always the threat of disillusionment or even despair. But how else do you hope to lead a full and wholehearted life? This friendship is clearly important to you. So talk to your friend. Your career is clearly important to you, too. So, get back on that damn horse.
