My friend met a creepy man in the pub - how can I persuade her to stay away from him?

My friend has been in a series of abusive relationships, but is currently single. On a night out, we met a man who said he was training to be a psychologist. He said he could analyse my friend and read her mind. He gripped her wrists (without asking) then stared into her eyes. She she said it hurt and tried to get away. He didn’t let go, so she gave in and sat with him.

He kept trying to kiss her. He told her he could tell she’d been through pain, but was a determined person. He said he had a psychology test for this and would be in the pub next weekend - he knew she’d not turn up, just to prove to him she was strong, although she would be wanting to see if he was there. He also said his therapy training meant he could spot vulnerable people, and that she was someone he could help.

Since then, she’s been saying she wants to go to the pub just to make a point, and wonders if he might be able to give her counselling. She feels he’s the first person who truly ‘gets’ her. I disagree, but she won’t listen to me. You’re a psychologist, does your training give the skills he has? Should she see him or stay away?

You don’t have to be a psychologist or have any special training to tell your friend to stay away.

You are right to be anxious and to question his actions. I’ll give him credit for one thing. He spun her a good line. Convincing someone you know them better than they do themselves is very appealing. And the added mind game of telling someone they won’t turn up to see you, more or less will guarantees someone will.

Sadly it’s not particularly difficult to locate vulnerable people, as they often give clues about themselves. Ones abusers are on the lookout for.  

And too often when abuse survivors fall prey to someone else’s harmful behaviour the blame falls on the victim. She may not want to accept he’s a potential risk to her - but not should she be blamed for his actions.

Why is your friend at risk?

Your friend’s past history of being abused in relationships may leave her less aware of danger signals other people might immediately note and swiftly act upon.

She may have high hopes future relationships, wanting one that is positive, along with a real need to be cherished and cared for. She hasn’t had this before, so will be drawn to anyone she believes might offer it now.

An exploitative person can take advantage by seeming very intuitive, caring, or like the perfect partner. They aren’t going to be awful right from the start (at least not obviously so), but the charm will wear off soon enough.

What he demonstrated wasn’t psychology or therapy, but grooming behaviour. He listened and appeared to know her intimately, yet actually knows nothing about her. Instead she latched onto what he was saying and gave it meaning. It may help her to look back at what happened and imagine it was being done to you – what would her take be then, and what advice would she have for you?

Helping her stay safe

Can you encourage your friend to take the Freedom Programme?  It helps those who’re in or have left abusive relationships to identify what has gone wrong before and to recognise potential harms in the future.

In addition she may find ways to make herself feel better and build her confidence lets her feel more in control.

Some people have found confidence and assertiveness books or courses (via adult education centres) useful. While others have got the same results from taking up hobbies, volunteering, sport, or exercise. Things that suit their energy levels, time and budgets but all have the goal of making them feel happier and stronger.

You may be able to get mutual friends and her family (if they’re supportive) to give her time and attention so she can have a network looking out for her. And reminding her of her worth. This previous reply focuses on helping a friend who is in a violent relationship but some of the advice is still relevant for someone who has exited abuse and remains vulnerable.

Clearly his claims of being ‘a psychologist’ impressed her, as did his offer of help, so could you use this to encourage her to see a trained, supervised professional?  If she’s been traumatised by the past, which is common, she may want to talk to her GP and see if any therapy is available locally (noting many services are oversubscribed and in some places waiting lists are very long). Or she could self-refer to a therapist who specialises in abuse recovery.

Convincing her that he’s not all he seems

Being a student or a practitioner in psychology doesn’t make you immune from being exploitative or abusive. The discipline is, sadly, littered with examples of predatory and unpleasant individuals. However, there are checks and balances within psychology that are supposed to keep the public safe and ensure psychologists are professional.

Unwanted touching, pressing someone to do things they’ve asked you not to, claiming qualifications you do not possess, making unsubstantiated diagnoses, and acting in sexually or emotionally predatory ways are all unacceptable.

Studying psychology helps you understand many aspects of human behaviour, but it doesn’t make you a mind reader or give you powers to ‘read’ people.  It also doesn’t make you a therapist. Plenty of therapists don’t have a first degree in psychology, but those who do always require additional training to become qualified as therapists, or clinical psychologists.

Tell your friend he either isn’t a psychologist, or if he is studying psychology he hasn’t understood anything on his course. Had he done so he’d be aware about ethics, trust, and avoiding any past harms done in the name of the discipline. He’d certainly be cautious of anyone who he sensed was vulnerable and he’d know to refer them on to appropriate sources of support.

Can you help her think of something enjoyable to do next weekend? Heading to the pub to somehow thwart his challenge is out of the question. Who cares if he goes or not? She needs to do something better with her time.

If you see him again, ask him where he’s doing his psychology course.  If he can’t tell you then you know he’s a liar. And if he is studying somewhere you’re well within your rights to report him to his college about what he’s doing with his claimed qualifications and how he’s using them to groom vulnerable women.

Petra Boynton is a social psychologist and sex researcher working in International Health Care and studying sex and relationships. She is The Telegraph’s agony aunt. Follow her on Twitter @drpetra.

Email your sex and relationships queries in confidence to:agony.aunt@telegraph.co.uk

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