Forget Missing Holidays… I Miss Aeroplane Food
For you, going on holiday might start with attempting to put tiny amounts of conditioner into plastic bottles, peeling the labels off brand-new flip flops that will rip your feet to shreds in 13 steps, and folding your floppy hat into an inconceivable shape to fit it into your suitcase. But for me, I don’t feel a surge of excitement until that first in-flight meal gets put down in front of me.
Elbows tucked in tight, rock-hard, frozen butter under my left buttock (the warmth increases spreadability), and that tiny bottle of Merlot poised and ready for unscrewing – NOW I’m on holiday.
It would be the understatement of the century to say the past 12 months have been tough. Deaths, illness, lack of contact with loved ones, job losses, postponed weddings, and holidays feeling like a distant memory have all contributed to making 2020 and the first half of 2021 a garbage-fire of human existence.
There were pockets of time last year when overseas holidays were allowed (not advised, but allowed), so a few lucky folk managed to get away. But for a lot of us, we’ve not seen an aeroplane for coming over a year. There have been no occasions where we’ve left the house hours too early to make sure check-in goes smoothly. There’s been no spending money on unnecessary sarongs from Heathrow’s Accessorize just because we’re filling time. And there’s certainly been no aeroplane food. Now, this is the real tragedy as far as I’m concerned.
I’m not sure when my obsession with those satisfying sectioned meals started. But I know that the photos I take of my in-flight meals are always the first ones I include in my holiday slide show for loved ones when I return home.
As someone who used to be so terrified of flying, I once convinced myself that an air steward was crying during some turbulence, so she must know something I didn’t, the first sign of those meals getting wheeled towards me and my absurdly large neck pillow are a fantastic distraction from those weird noises that – in my mind – can only mean one thing: there’s a problem with the left phalange.
I love rehearsing over and over again in my head, “the chicken please”, as the crew member and her perfect chignon backs up towards my row. I love the awkward feeling of not knowing whether to help pass your neighbours’ tray to them or to leave the air steward and them to sort it out themselves. And I love the fact that you never fully know what’s going to be lurking under that mottled tin foil.
More often than not, aeroplane food gets a bad rap. But I’m clearly not the only one impressed with the fact that dozens of people get fed a hot meal thousands of feet in the air because, recently, airlines and the companies that make in-flight meals have come up with a way to get these meals to you at home.
The in-flight caterer owned by Garuda Indonesia Airline has been selling aeroplane meals online in a promotion called Fly With Meals. They come served with a tray, plastic cutlery and sides (annoying kid sat in front of you; banging his chair constantly for two hours sold separately).
Similarly, Gate Gourmet, the leading global provider of airline catering, has been selling frozen economy meals direct to the folk in Australia who miss getting their kicks from aeroplane food.
And if you're a fan of those delicious Dutch waffles that are served on United Airlines flights, manufacturer Daelmans has made its stroopwafels available for home delivery. They come in individual serving sizes just like the ones served on the planes. United Airlines has even made its recipes for the banana bread and ice cream sandwiches served on flights available to the public, so you can serve them in the aeroplane-shaped fort you built using boxes from all your unnecessary purchases this year.
Plus, there’s always mini tubes of Pringles – not once have I eaten one of those anywhere other than 35,000ft in the air.
There’s certainly light at the end of the tunnel as far as Lockdown restrictions easing in the coming months goes, subject to supporting data, but there’s still no solid word on when flights abroad will be allowed.
Until then, you’ll find me eating off a plastic tray in my living room; wearing my trusty compression stockings.
Like this article? Sign up to our newsletter to get more articles like this delivered straight to your inbox.
