Are you a floozy, yogi or a nun? The 12 stages of womanhood
We are all more than one woman, aren’t we? And here are just some of the women we have been…
1. The floozy
Remember that phase? You broke up with the boyfriend you thought you’d marry and were absolutely floored with the heartbreak. Oof, even just thinking about it now hurts. And you lost so much weight and suddenly it was summer and you were slinky and you went on a festival of shags and that didn’t really help either.
2. The fashion phenomenon
The day you woke up and decided to be a fashion-forward sensation. It was a Tuesday. You went to Harvey Nichols and spent £10,000,000,000 (approx) on a cream Céline coat that you have never worn. Because it makes you look like a fridge. It’s probably time to sell it.
3. The surrendered girlfriend
He was a total bastard, but, you know, your father was no knight in shining armour. So yes, it was OK when he complained about the size of your bum, or didn’t speak to you for days, or hated it when you had fun at parties and/or had friends. It’s taken years to deal with the fact that you went out with him at all.
4. The terrible employee
Permanently late for work, booze breath, not even bothering to answer the phone, let alone take a message. Not showing up at all. Then there were the fag breaks and the loud booking of Brazilian waxes over the phone.
5. The shadow
The time when you were so unhappy, so in the wilderness, that you didn’t really exist.
6. The yogi
You had a weird gardening-leave thingy for a few weeks so decided to take up yoga – you booked a class pass at a local centre. Maybe it was hot yoga. After that first class, you were so enlightened, so in the zone, you started googling retreats in the UK and spent a fortune on Lululemon yoga pants. After the second, you decided to bypass the UK and go straight for an Indian ashram for a more authentic experience. During the third class you hurt your knee, and you never went back.
7. The weekday binge drinker
This phase lasted 20 years, then suddenly you woke up and it was a living hell. You crossed the hangover Rubicon and now can only have two units a week.
8. The cool-haircut person
You had medium-length brown hair forever. Was it your hair holding you back from being the hip, relevant gal you knew you were on the inside? You went to a salon and told them to give you a ‘cool haircut’. Afterwards, your mother said, ‘You’ll need to wear a lot more make-up now.’ You cried for what felt like years.
9. The appalling decision maker
Remember when you lost your radar and your instinct and your gut feeling and developed idiot brain and every single decision you made was wrong? You took that job and ended up miserable, and exhausted from the commute and the boss you knew was a terror. You dumped the nice, safe guy and went out with an emotional savage who was terrible in bed. You moved in with someone and regretted it immediately. You wore weird clothes. You were trapped in your seriously-poor-judgement stage for at least a year. It haunts you. Because what if it happens again?
10. The pirate
You had sex with who you wanted, drank what you wanted, including all the coffee and all the booze. You didn’t care about laundry, you danced all night and got on aeroplanes half-cut. You smoked with abandon, your clothes were random, you were fantastic. Gahhh. It was one summer. One great summer. *Buys a pair of pirate boots*
11. The nun
When you stopped having sex. For two years at least. You are not even sure why it happened. Or why it started up again. Has it?
12. The artful juggler
Everything in your life was colour-coded, filed and organised. The drawers were tidy, even the secret random ones. You were nailing work, your personal life seemed to be fully functioning, you made things like meringues. You walked out of the house looking clean and sane every day. Your bra fitted. What an amazing week that was.
