Advertisement

The five worst people to be sat next to on a 19-hour flight

How many of these infuriating passengers have you encountered? - This content is subject to copyright.
How many of these infuriating passengers have you encountered? - This content is subject to copyright.

Usually, a flight landing an hour ahead of time is a cause for celebration. In the case of the Singapore Airlines flight from Singapore to Newark which landed early on Friday, however, 60 minutes is frankly neither here nor there. Not when the total scheduled flying time is a whopping eighteen and a half hours. 

Breaking the record for the longest scheduled commercial flight on the planet, if there’s one journey where you don’t want the following people sitting next to you, it’s surely this one.

The 'we really shouldn't be here' couple

Dressed head to toe in M&S casual, this couple feel their 'natural' home is business class. Except they've only been in business class once. And that was a short-haul hop to Trieste four years ago. 

Now they resent the fact that a three-seat row contains you as well as them. Every twitch or sound you make is met with a farrago of tuts. A request to get past them to visit the bathroom is met with the kind of resentful facial expression usually only seen by Piers Morgan when he has to listen to voices other than his own. 

Their posture will be rigidly upright throughout the entire flight as they contemplate the likelihood that the gardener at the small Puglia villa they rent for a week each summer is using the guest bedroom for bunga-bunga time with the village sub-post mistress. 

The Singapore to New York flight is now the longest in the world - Credit: iStock
The Singapore to New York flight is now the longest in the world Credit: iStock

Reassure yourself as the couple purse their lips at you again. The gardener is. He definitely is. 

The impromptu first date guy

When is a flight not just a flight? When it’s actually just another opportunity for a certain type of late middle aged male to practise his threadbare chat up techniques on the solo female passenger sat next to him.

With a forced jollity to his voice, he will try and get his ‘date’ off to a good start with a bit of dazzling erudition and enquiry. Something along the lines of: "Is Barcelona/Calgary/Mogadishu your final stop?"

She’s immediately beguiled by the steely glint in the man’s eyes. She’s enraptured as a dangerous half-smile plays across his lips. She’s now a love interest in a Graham Greene novel, bewitched into erotic frenzy by the international jet setting bravado and zeal of this peripatetic lothario.

You can spot the 'impromptu first date guy' from a mile away - Credit: iStock
You can spot the 'impromptu first date guy' from a mile away Credit: iStock

Except of course that none of the above is true. 

After his ‘A- Material’ chat up lines (sample: "the weather’s meant to be fine in Toronto") have been met with enough stony silence, the woman does what every reasonable human being would do: namely put their headphones and feign internal delight that the in-flight movie is You’ve Got Mail.

As for ‘Impromptu First Date Guy’, well, he doesn’t take rejection lightly and will emit hurt facial expressions at every opportunity for the rest of the flight. 

'Stay in touch' dude

Not a bad sort in essence, this bloke is usually seen wearing attire from the upper-middle range of gung-ho outdoor sports casual. Invariably from the American Pacific North West, he promotes himself to the level of deeply annoying by virtue of his insistence on not only telling you the finer details of his Airbnb experiences across the planet but insisting that you stay in touch. 

There will then be a 15-minute wait (you will never get this time back) while he ferrets around his hand luggage for his business card, attempts to get Wi-Fi before admitting defeat and writing his Instagram handle on the back of a napkin in felt tip.

You will never keep in touch with this man.

The airborne picnic binger

Have you heard the news? Airlines on long-haul flights, would you believe, provide passengers with food. Hot food! Not great in quality but enough to sate you before a night of micro-sleep in the upright position.

But nobody told this to the picnic binger who has packed their own supplies. This is seemingly done in the belief that not only is the flight three weeks in duration, but also that this will be the last chance in their lifetime to consume a feast of salt and grease so large in quantity as to have a fatberg in a Camden sewer named in its honour.

Tubes of Pringles are popped. Bin liners of popcorn are ripped open. Boots Meal Deal sandwiches are harpooned out of their casing and upended onto tray tables. Runaway trains of Toblerone vanish down a chomping chasm.

Meanwhile you look on, wondering how many more inches of crumbs you can tolerate spilling over onto your lap before you complain. But you say nothing. You merely make a mental note to never eat in public again while the empty packets, tubes and wrappers pile ever higher, creating a firewall between you, the aisle and a healthier life beyond.

That's a lot of beige - Credit: iStock
That's a lot of beige Credit: iStock

The Man Who Came to Dinner

Nothing to do with Bette Davis sadly. This is the tale of Jimmy and Steve. They’re both flying to Hong Kong but they’re sitting 18 rows away from each other. Considering they’re about to spend the next six months together backpacking, logic suggests that they may as well spend the next 11 hours apart.

Not a bit of it.

Jimmy, in the middle seat, gabbles with Steve who has walked up from his seat and is now, conveniently, standing in the aisle while the cabin crew try to serve dinner to the rest of the plane.

You’re trapped in the middle while Steve leans over you, his premature belly paunch rubbing against your earlobe, to tell Jimmy yet more vital info about how he’s just been to the bathroom and how he might watch some Mad Men in a bit. Just before he’s ordered back to his seat by a snarling steward, he finds time to offer one final slice of highly original observational material.

"Wouldn’t it be nice to be sitting in business class right now, eh Jimmy?"

Yes Steve. Yes it would. 

Have you ever found yourself sat next to an infuriating passenger on a plane before? We want to hear your stories. Comment below to join the conversation.