She has the silkiest skin of any human on this planet
The first time I laid eyes on Cate was at a freshers’ party in 2012, but I hadn’t transitioned at that point. She was very popular at college, and I wasn’t. We said an awkward hello and all I registered was that someone beautiful had just walked past me.
I met Cate again years later at work: we were doing a project together. I was out as trans by then and a bit less self-conscious. She invited me round to her house because we both loved skincare and she said she would give me a facial. We tried to convince ourselves we were just close friends.
I remember I lay down with my head in her lap, and she touched my face, and it was so tender. She was wearing shorts and I reached out and stroked her leg. I looked up at her, right in the eye, and said: “I’m going to have to bite your leg now.” And then I bit her on the thigh. She has the silkiest skin of any human on this planet.
We’re two people who have craved familiarity and support all our lives, and now we have that
Nothing else happened that night. I suppose I was trying to go slowly. I identified as a gay man before I came out as trans, and during that time I didn’t have the healthiest relationship with sex. A lot of it was unprotected and a lot of it was drug-fuelled. I wanted to feel valued, but I was going about it in a strange way. I look back at the younger me and tell myself, “Babe, they were drug orgies: you were never going to feel emotionally held.”
A few nights after the leg-biting, we had sex. It was like the difference between night and day. I had been using sex to escape from myself, but with her it’s the first time I’ve wanted to be present.
I suppose we have sex a little less now, but we’re more familiar with each other’s bodies. I’ve been on hormone therapy, and that affects my sex drive, so a lot of the time I find myself getting into it by starting to do it. I was going to use the analogy of a volcano to describe our sex life. But it’s more about comfort. We’re two people who have craved familiarity and support all our lives, and now we have that. She’s also wildly hot. Did I mention that?
My eyes rolled back so far that day I think I saw my own brain
Annie spent the night before our first kiss in my bed, but we just slept. Well, Annie slept. She could sleep through a hurricane. I didn’t close my eyes all night and I was so nervous I could hear my own pulse. I was enamoured with her. She has this energy that just fizzes. But we were friends, and colleagues. I spent the second night lying there thinking about kissing her. I remember turning over at one point, so we were facing each other in the bed. She opened her eyes and it happened. It felt as if I’d been holding my breath for two weeks and I was finally able to exhale.
When we first met we were like rabbits, whereas now it’s more like once every few days
Before I met her, I had never been able to express what I wanted from a sexual relationship. Partly that’s because I was figuring out whether I was gay or not. I spent a lot of time acting a part for the guys I slept with: the dutiful girlfriend, the submissive. But with her I actually talk about what I want to do in bed. Over time that’s changed: I have expressed that I’d like to be in control a bit more, so now we’re more experimental about who is playing the dominant role.
When we first met we were like rabbits, whereas now it’s more like once every few days. The hormones Annie’s on affect her sex drive so I’ve learned not to take it personally when she doesn’t have the capacity to enjoy that part of our life. She is an amazing masseuse and often it’s enough just to be close to her. Although sometimes we’ll both want it three times a day.
The best sex we’ve ever had was recently, the day after my birthday, in a secluded cabin, after a KFC. We’d brought our favourite toy away with us: we call her LaWanda. She has 18 settings and a 100% success rate. My eyes rolled back so far that day I think I saw my own brain. We were hungover: the neediness and dreaminess of a hangover is sexy.