From explosion to contrition, the five stages of a (very) public break-up
1. The explosion
It begins with the scandal, to really set the scene. On the front of every tabloid, the same paparazzi photos will show one party up to no good, and you can generally bet your house on it being one of the three ‘S’s: snogging, snorting, scrapping. (In recent years, though, you can add another: 'screenshots'.)
2. The party line
Are the couple in question famously happy? Ooo, Trouble in Paradise! Have they been rocky before? It’s The Final Straw! Is one of them currently on Strictly Come Dancing? Uh oh, The Curse is Back!
3. The official apology
As photographers lurk, waiting for one side to put the bins out looking miserable, or walk to the gym without their wedding ring, or call their mum round for moral support, the public statements will soon arrive.
It is incumbent on the guilty parties to go first, usually releasing something oddly formal (co-written by lawyers) that insists the offence was entirely out of character, even though really it's just out of character they they get caught. The other side may then request privacy at this difficult time, or – as in the case of Rebecca Humphries – they may take the chance to set the record straight.
4. The messages
It’s possible to still tell the world how you feel while maintaining a dignified silence. Just ask Cheryl Tweedy, who appeared wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the words ‘I left my heart in Beverly Hills’ shortly after Ashley Cole cheated on her. Or Peter Andre, who responded to Katie Price wearing a ‘Team Price’ top during their break-up in 2009 by donning a ‘Team Children’ shirt.
5. The next steps
Once interest has died down, so to the future: one party may go quiet, claim to be “having a period of reflection” and surreptitiously hire a new publicist. The other, invariably, has a ‘break over’, suddenly appearing looking better than ever, with a new hairstyle, new younger lover, and new penchant for spin classes. The message: they’re free! And they’ve never felt better.
