Dry January, and other things we definitely won’t be doing again in 2020

Shane Watson
Don't bother with Dry January - try SHOF drinking (See How One Feels) instead - © Jeffrey Blackler / Alamy Stock Photo

Now feels like the time to make a list of things we will definitely not be doing in 2020 and would advise others not to do. Such as:

Accept an invitation to a “straightforward shooting weekend”. Just saying. In the unlikely event that one is forthcoming, that is a “Non” from us.

Be extremely productive on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then accidentally drink a bottle of Picpoul de Pinet on Wednesday night, and not do much for the rest of the week. That said…

Give up drink in January. From previous experience, what this amounts to is staying at home for a month, seeing no one and going to bed at 9pm, which we can’t help feeling is more unhealthy, in a way. Instead, we will practise SHOF drinking, See How One Feels – and some days we will, and some we won’t.

Buy a Just In Case top that would certainly have looked good on Joan Collins (you may have seen it in Zara), and sort of looks OK on us, but when? When? Not even if we were suddenly required to pick up a couple of Golden Globes could we wear this top. There’s going to be a lot less JIC buying.

Watch Love Island. Really doesn’t make sense to watch it and then protest about sexual stereotyping or the pornification of women or the crass sexualisation of everything. Can you be a feminist and love Love Island? Honestly, no.

Eat octopus. Not as clever as dolphins, but sentient and, for some reason, getting a lot of press.

Buy stuff for the deep freeze. It goes in and it never comes out.

You can't protest about sexual stereotyping or the pornification of women, then watch Love Island Credit: ITV

Accept tiny, pointless make-up product samples.

Buy any more candlesticks, tealight holders… no point giving up cushions if you’re going to develop a worse habit.

Drink negronis. One negroni, yes – not two, and never three.

Create a pile of Should Have Read books on our bedside table.

Watch Question Time. Unless, for some reason, we want to stay awake in a heart-racing, jaw-grinding state.

Complain about the BBC. Be careful what you wish for.

Look at the times on Fam App that urgent messages have been read and then ignored. Just not going to look at them.

Read celebrity actor interviews. A time-saving resolution.

Black velvet - it's a trap

Go out for disappointing meals that somehow cost £50 a head and require you to shout.

Allow self to have conversations about the following unacceptably obvious subjects: the TV we are watching. The bits of Prince Andrew’s interview we found most cringing (still it keeps coming). Our frozen shoulder/dodgy digestion/possible allergy to garlic. Best bircher muesli method. We are not going to be as boring in 2020.

Opt for the trainee blow dry and then be upset when we end up looking like Barbara Bush.

Buy things that look like they have potential as presents and put them in the present drawer because, once in the drawer, they’re automatically drained of all joy and we won’t feel good about giving them.

Buy any more black velvet. Ever.

Obsess about Lady Glenconner’s wardrobe in The Crown, because it was 1973, on Mustique and it’s never going to work.

Not saying any of the following words or expressions:

“Oven-ready” (as in Brexit). 

• “Authentic” (as in be true to yourself). The younger members of the Royal family reach for this the way they used to reach for “bonking” or “bumper”. 

• “Making memories”.

“Self-partnered”.

• “Bonus Mum”, instead of stepmother. 

• “TBH” (to be honest).

• “Giggle fest”.