‘Divorce by social media’: what’s the etiquette... and why you should never get friends involved
“I don’t believe what he’s done now” – a familiar and enticing Facebook posting for any gossip hound. Alongside the cryptic, “Wow. Just wow,” and “So, 15 years of marriage count for nothing, then?” the social media divorce has become something of a trend over the past decade, as warring couples play out their private psychodramas before a virtual crowd.
Now celebrities are joining in, with actor Alice Evans sharing on Instagram a screenshot of a news report that her estranged husband Ioan Gruffudd had filed for divorce, with the caption: “Oh. Ok. Thanks for letting me know. I guess?” followed by a teary-eyed emoji.
Earlier this year, Evans posted, then apparently deleted, a series of emotional tweets detailing how her “beloved husband/soulmate of 20 years” had “announced he is to leave his family, starting next week. Me and our young daughters are very confused and sad. We haven’t been given a reason except that he ‘no longer loves me’.”
Sad, definitely. Wise? Possibly not. Aside from how a public split might affect children, those who indulge in oversharing may forget there are compelling legal (and emotional) reasons not to live out every twist and turn of the painful process for a popcorn-munching audience, no matter how satisfying the influx of sympathetic heart emojis may feel.
“Divorcing couples must be wary when posting on social media,” warns Stephanie Buckeridge, senior associate at law firm Gardner Leader. “Not only can this alert their aggrieved spouse to new relationships, it may also highlight spending of matrimonial income on luxury items such as new cars and holidays.”
Then, of course, there’s the danger of accidentally libelling your ex, causing hurt or aggravating tensions by deleting (or posting) photos, and the trauma of the unexpected ‘relationship status’ change.
So, with divorce in the online age a minefield, here are the new rules of sharing, whether celebrity or civilian...
1. Don’t announce anything until it’s public
Never let family and friends discover you no longer love your spouse, or that they’ve left you, via Facebook. “It’s usual for close friends to be contacted directly, to share moments of celebration and sadness,” says relationship psychotherapist Sally Baker. At least wait until you’ve both shared your split with loved ones before posting the news online (ideally in agreement with your ex).
“Decrees nisi, the first stage, are read out in open court, so there’s nothing stopping you from announcing it on Facebook,” says Kate Spooner, head of family at law firm Winckworth Sherwood. But, she adds: “If your ex has asked you not to, because they have yet to tell people, or because arrangements are still being discussed, hold off.”
It’s almost as important not to change your relationship status without warning. “I was hurt and angry and changed my status to single the night my ex left,” says Anna Collins, 45. “The next morning I woke up to a barrage of shocked messages, and my ex was furious because he hadn’t yet told his family. I took it down, but the damage was done.”
2. Never bad-mouth your ex online
Criticising your ex on social media is not classy – or clever. “The details of why you are getting a divorce are private,” says Spooner. “The same goes for court proceedings concerning your children and finances, and they mustn’t be discussed with anyone other than your lawyer.”
As for laying into your ex, Baker says: “Do not drunk-post or be tempted to blame or shame online – do it one to one, where your feelings can’t be misconstrued or breach your family’s privacy.” And be aware that nothing vanishes, she adds. “Even posts that are later deleted can be saved as a screenshot.”
“I thought my ex-wife had been unfaithful and ranted about it on Facebook after several whiskies,” admits Alex Parker, 53. “I felt I was just cathartically telling close friends, but luckily, a lawyer mate messaged me, telling me in no uncertain terms to delete, as it was potentially libellous.”
Glynis Wright of Nelson’s Family Law offers a stark warning on bad-mouthing. “It is hugely inflammatory and will colour the manner in which the financial settlement and arrangements for the children are negotiated – almost certainly leading to increased costs for both parties,” she says. “Also, the individual is at risk of being sued under civil law for defamation.”
3. Remember, friends are not spies
You may have blocked your ex, but you’re desperate to know if they’re seeing someone else, spending money they claim not to have, or posting about you… and asking a friend to check seems so reasonable.
“I blocked my ex-husband in a rage, but then I regretted being hasty, and asked my best friend what he’d been saying,” admits Claire Thorpe, 38. “He’d been on holiday to Antigua and was on a dating site already and it made me feel 10 times worse.” It’s also highly questionable legally. Neil Denny, senior associate at Roythornes Solicitors, says: “While it is not against the law to ask friends or family to ‘stalk’ your ex-partner online, it may be against the conditions of the social media platform – particularly if they’re using a fake profile,” he adds. And don’t assume they can’t spy on you in return. “It is inevitable that people will see what you post, as even if you block your ex-partner, their friends may be curious. Always assume your ex will find out what you are posting, and know it could be used against you in a legal dispute.”
4. Don’t overshare
When it comes to posting photographs, think carefully. “Don’t post about your children or include photos of them as this can lead to welfare issues being raised,” advises Claire Filer, Family Partner at BP Collins. “During the divorce period, only post something you would be happy for your ex-partner, your children, the wider public or a judge to see.”
“Your social media content can be produced as evidence in court proceedings,” agrees Spooner. “If you are pleading poverty, but are posting pictures of new expensive purchases or of lavish holidays, this could well be used against you to undermine what you are saying. Similarly, if you are in a new relationship and broadcasting this online, this could affect the arguments you can successfully make within financial proceedings.”
“I posted that I’d had a ‘wild weekend’ at a music festival,” says Ian Pearson, 39. “I couldn’t believe it when my ex mentioned it during negotiations, to suggest I was a neglectful dad.”
Anything that pertains to spending, dating or parenting – keep it for your real life friends.
5. Block and move on
If your ex is posting about you, sharing details and emotional statuses, “Ask them to stop, but don’t expect a mature, emotionally intelligent response,” says Baker. “Remember you are not with this person any more for all the right reasons. Feel free to mute or block their posts to protect your mental wellbeing.”
Alison Weitz, 59, says: “During our acrimonious divorce, my ex was happily airing all our dirty laundry online. When I asked him to stop, he said: “I have a lot of friends and they’re all very interested.” In the end, my brother firmly told him to stop, and he did. I blocked my ex, and we now only speak by phone when necessary.”
“Ultimately, you should use your common sense,” advises Spooner. “There may be an ongoing relationship you have to manage with your ex, particularly if you have kids. Think about how upsetting it would be to your children if they were to read your angry or snide statuses, and if in doubt – don’t post.”
*Some names have been changed
