Dear Coleen: My husband and I want to stay married but see other people sexually

Dear Coleen

My husband and I are at a crossroads in our marriage. We got together when we were young and had twins when
we were 22. Life was full-on for a while, but we got on with it and things were good. We’ve always been best friends and soulmates and it didn’t feel daunting for us; it felt like more of an adventure.

Now we’re 40 and our twins are 18, and they’ve left home to go to college, and it’s just the two of us. Recently, we had a long discussion about our relationship and the future, and we both ended up admitting that we felt unfulfilled sexually and that we’d like to try seeing other people.

We don’t want to leave each other, though, and would like to stay married and keep our home together. As I said, we’re soulmates and have been joined at the hip since we met. We want to stay married for our kids, but also because we love our life together. Can an arrangement like this work?

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We really love each other, but I think we’ve both realised that we need something extra we can’t give each other any more. I’d love to hear your opinion.

Coleen says

What can other people give you that you can’t get from each other? If the excitement has gone from your sex life, then why not put the effort into that side of your relationship? You’ve both admitted you want ­something more and I think it’s great you can have conversations about this stuff because so many people can’t.

However, at the risk of throwing a bucket of water over your fireworks, I think you could be playing a dangerous game. What if you meet someone you really fancy who you connect with, would you still want to be with your husband or would you be desperate to see the other guy?

And what if one of you has someone (or several people) on the go, but the other doesn’t? Jealousy and insecurity can kill a relationship pretty quickly.

Obviously, you’d need to have ground rules. I have met people in open marriages who make it work and are happy, but I know it wouldn’t work for me. So, I think you have to be sure that you know yourselves, that you understand what you’re getting into, and that you plan for all the different scenarios that might crop up.

I’m not saying don’t go down this road, but I do feel that someone usually ends up getting hurt. If you were saying you didn’t love your husband and had nothing in common with him any more, I’d be advising you to leave the marriage, but that’s not the case. You have an amazing life together and I’d worry about bringing strangers into your relationship.

So, my advice is, try putting some effort into your sex life, and, if you need help, consider seeing a sex therapist or a psychosexual counsellor.

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