Dear Coleen: I finally blew up at my mother-in-law on Christmas Day
Dear Coleen
I had a real go at my mother-in-law on Christmas Day and have been stressing about it ever since.
She was staying with my husband and I and our two young children for a couple of days over the holidays.
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I’ve never been a huge fan of hers to be honest, but we get on OK most of the time.
However, on Christmas Day we were sitting around the table and she kept going on about what a great mum her daughter was, listing all her attributes and achievements – how much her kids respect her and how well behaved they are, how she manages to have a great career as well as being a wonderful mother etc, etc.
She is a good mum and a capable person, but she also makes sure everyone knows it! I don’t know why (maybe it was the three glasses of wine I had), but I just snapped and years of frustration came spilling out.
I told my mother-in-law she was rude, judgmental and difficult, and not very relaxing to be around. I also had a few choice words for her daughter, too. It was very awkward afterwards and she left very early the next day, clearly upset and angry with me.
I regret what I did (my husband is mad with me, too), but I don’t know if I can make it right. Any ideas?
Coleen says
Oh, dear. I think it felt like she was judging you and that her intention was to make you feel bad about yourself.
But you need to ask yourself if this is true or if any of it could be down to your own paranoia or insecurity, and how you feel about yourself.
However, the way to deal with it is to swallow your pride and apologise.
Explain that she touched a nerve and that, as a mother, it’s not nice to feel you’re being compared unfavourably to another mum when you’re doing your best, so you were defensive.
You’ve clearly had issues with her over the years – maybe you’ve always felt judged by her or not good enough – but you have bitten your tongue to keep the peace.
However, this situation might actually clear the air and lead to some honest conversations, so you can have a better relationship going forward.
You have to think of the bigger picture for your family – do you want things to be difficult with your in-laws or would you like to find a way to have a relationship where there’s respect and you feel you’re on an equal footing?
My advice is, take control, call her up, hold out an olive branch, apologise and tell her you’d really like to iron out your differences. Good luck.
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