Dear Coleen: I feel so lost and hopeless now my wife has left me
Dear Coleen,
My wife and I broke up a couple of months ago and I’m struggling to come to terms with it.
She’s my best friend and we’ve been together for 24 years and have an 18-year-old daughter, who went to university in September.
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Things hadn’t been great for a while and we were pretty much living separate lives. Well, she was busy with her own life and friends, and I worked all the time. I never really developed a social circle outside of work and the friendships we made as a couple were down to my wife. So, I’m feeling cut off and keep beating myself up for not putting more effort in when I had the chance.
Our relationship was also under stress for many years because of our daughter, who has ADHD and struggled at school, so she often acted out at home. We argued over it a lot because my wife felt she took on most of this stress herself and was always having meetings with doctors and teachers, while I was focused on my job.
On a positive note, our daughter is happy at uni and doing well with support.
But in the end, my wife said we’d had too many bad years and that she didn’t feel the same about our relationship any more and needed a fresh start. This is killing me, but she won’t consider counselling and wants time on her own. Can I win her back? I’d love your advice on this matter.
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Coleen says,
It sounds like your marriage was under pressure for a long time and that you dealt with your daughter’s issues differently. Your wife was very proactive, while you buried yourself in work. I’m guessing there wasn’t much headspace to focus on each other.
Also, you sound very reliant on your wife – not only relying on her to keep your daughter steady, but your entire social circle is made up of friends she’s made. So, of course this is going to feel extra hard if you haven’t created much of a personal life outside of your marriage. I know it’s hard when you’re hurting, but give her some space and give yourself a bit of time to think about how you can build your self-esteem.
What can you do for yourself outside of work that could help you to feel more confident and positive – such as getting fit and reconnecting with friends you haven’t seen for a while. Your wife might not be up for counselling, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go. Taking steps like these could affect how she sees you.
I don’t know whether you can win her back but a separation works for many because they realise their relationship was worth saving and how much they miss each other.
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