A father who fatally injured his baby daughter after throwing her into a cot has said he is “a lowlife scumbag”.
Dean Smith, 45, has admitted the manslaughter of Maisie Newell but denies her murder.
Jurors have heard that Maisie was left disabled after she suffered a fractured skull and brain injuries in the incident in August 2000.
She was four weeks old at the time, but survived until June 2014, when she died aged 13 as a result of those injuries, the Old Bailey trial was told.
Giving evidence, Smith, from Bushey, near Watford, became tearful as he told how he hurt Maisie after she did not stop crying.
Earlier on the day he threw her, jurors heard he had a “tiff” with partner Amanda Lee, who stepped out of their home in Edgware, north London.
Smith said he felt “anxious” and he fed Maisie, changed her and winded her but that did not stop her crying.
He said he was five or six feet away from the cot when he threw Maisie into it, and heard a “little thump”, which he thought was the cot hitting a wardrobe.
Smith went to have a cigarette and played on his Playstation, thinking nothing had happened, the court heard.
However, when Lee came back she noticed Maisie appeared “pale”, and Smith said she went “hysterical”.
Becoming emotional, Smith added: “I was in shock. I was in a completely different place.”
Smith was jailed for three years in 2001 after admitting grievous bodily harm without intent.
Both of his children went on to be adopted.
On being told Maisie had died in 2014, he said: “I just broke down, I was a mess.
“I think I’m a lowlife scumbag. I cannot believe I did it.”
Smith told jurors he was “surviving not living”, adding: “I’m disgusted in myself. I wish it was me, not her.”
He has denied intending to kill or seriously injure his daughter and the Old Bailey trial continues.