Dating: dos and don'ts of the pick-up

The dating landscape in the UK is ever-changing. While young people are signing up to apps such as Bumble and Happn in their droves, mature dating is growing in popularity too with sites such from eHarmony, Ourtime and our own Telegraph Dating proving a hit with an older demographic.

Of course, dating more doesn't necessarily mean we're any less confused about how to approach the object of our desires. Our dating expert Caroline Kent is here with her top tips on how to improve your chances with the opposite sex with these simple dos and don'ts.

Sometimes a guy chats you up and it leaves you feeling tingly and heart-fluttery, like you've had a shot of vodka in your coffee. But be presumptuous, pushy, cheesy or obsequious, and she'll be reverting to her fake number and name (mine is Rachel). Hopefully these dos and don'ts will help.

DON'T tell her to cheer up

The quickest way to direct a dialogue downhill is with a command to “cheer up” or “give us a smile”. I don't know why men do this or where they think it's going to lead.

DO spark a dialogue

By the time you’ve plucked up the nerve to approach her, you panic and spew the only thing that you can squeeze out of your noggin: “So… What are you doing?” It's not clumsy questions but rather your personality and character that will pique her interest. “The coffee here is great. I come in every morning on my way to the office. Do you work in the area?” When she has told you that she works right next door and/or wants to have your babies, give her your opinion right back. This is called a conversation. “Pffft, that’s just common sense,” you may scoff, but trust me: it's an art that seems lost on a lot of people when they attempt to communicate with someone in possession of a different set of genitals.

DON’T use cheesy lines

I would rule out “chat-up lines” completely. There isn't one magical sentence that holds the key to unlocking an entire gender. Not even “Dayum gurl, are you my dead grandmother? Because I never hear from you” which has actually been used on me, incredibly. Pseudo-ironic ones are even worse - much like your Movember ‘tache, they stopped being funny a long time ago.

DON'T invade her personal space

Dear random chap, I don't know where your hand has been, but I do know where you want to put it. If you touch my hair or bum I will break your arm. Kindest regards.

DON'T have a transparent sexual agenda

The one thing worse than cheesy is skeezy. Most are more subtle than “that dress looks great on you but it would look better on my bedroom floor,” but we will know if your only interest is whether you can sexually escalate the situation. The first few times you meet someone, their face is kind of a pixellated blur of assumptions, projected hopes and sexual desperation. But what we always remember clearly is how they make us feel. Women want to feel desired but we want to feel valued as well.

DO pay her subtle compliments

If you're British, you're allowed to talk about the weather ONCE and only if you're leading somewhere with it. I'll condone one weather mention if accompanied by looking out the window contemplatively and sighing, “God, the weather is awful. You look tanned though, have you just come back from holiday?” I don't mind assumptions, either. For example, “You look like you have a creative job, do you work in the media?” If you're wrong, she'll be flattered that you called her creative. If you're right, she'll think you're an attractive Derren Brown. Either way, you're in.

DO read the situation

If she’s a reading a book, dashing down the street or has headphones in her ears, she's busy. Some bloke sidled up last week when I was neck-deep in a deadline and sweating espresso with “Gosh, are you writing a novel or something?” *Insert snorty chuckle* “Yes, actually.” “Oh. Right. I'll leave you to it then.” End of (thrilling) conversation.

DO be confident

A confident man is not a self-obsessed one. He just knows himself well enough to be open to considering others. He doesn't concentrate on questions, creating a one-sided conversation that puts the onus on the woman to “entertain” him. Instead, he makes a statement that sparks a conversation. Women can sense it if you aren't fully “present” or if your bravado is formed of poorly managed insecurity. So be yourself but do with self-assurance.

DON'T let one rejection ruin your confidence

You can spend hours analysising wheres and hows of talking to women but the one “trick” that will dramatically increase the odds of you having a relationship of any kind with a particular woman is talking to her. Plenty more fish in the sea, as they say. Just don't catch crabs.

DO show some vulnerability

Vulnerability is counter-intuitive when you're putting yourself “out there”, but it's essential in building that initial bond. Connections flourish in an open and comfortable environment by helping her trust you in return. Be genuine and tell her something about yourself and it's likely she'll respond in kind. We're not as scary as we look, honestly...