The celebrity body parts that are so good they deserve their own calendars
Stuck for a present idea for the football fan in your life, or your wife? We may have just the thing. It is “The Wonderful World of Jack Grealish’s Calves” 2022 calendar dedicated to the Manchster City midfielder’s best-known feature, if you don’t count his hairbanded floppy mop and his “Not been up to anything” expression.
One quick word of warning. Twelve months of bulgy calves – and they are like giant onions – may prove a bit much for some tastes. But might we suggest some alternative famous body parts and features that would make highly desirable calendars for either sex, if someone out there is prepared to crank up the colour printer? We do think about this sort of thing quite a bit in idle moments, so, we’ve done the hard bit:
Heidi Klum’s bum. If Madonna’s reading this she’ll be thinking, “Hang on, haven’t I done enough to get a dedicated bum calendar? My bum was in the news only last week!” And the answer to that is yes, but no. In our opinion, Madonna’s bum is not deserving of a calendar and that has nothing to do with her being 61 – we weren’t particularly keen back in the Like a Virgin days. Interestingly, taste in bums has changed quite a bit over the years: your ideal 1970s bum was a softer, more Agnetha-in-Abba sort of shape and now the bum to have is pert, yoga honed and smaller (a Klum bum) or it’s a Kim Kardashian hostess trolley.
David Beckham’s pecs. Again, after that recent Instagram shot of David face down in his swimming trunks, Beckham might consider himself a front runner for the man’s bum calendar. Of course you could easily put together 12 decent Beckham bum shots (and nice try, Victoria), but the pecs just have the edge.
Cousin Greg from Succession’s lanky body. The man behind the Grealish calves calender has also previously had some success with a Peter Crouch headless body calendar, lest you think this is in any way odd. However, this is mainly bet-hedging. If you’re not in the “Lusting after Cousin Greg” camp it’s hard to pin down his appeal, so we think it’s safest to go with the full body (Nicholas Braun the actor who plays him is six-foot-six) and hope it’s not all about his head.
Adam Driver’s hair (M)
Adam Driver has good hair – it sounds like a football chant, but it happens to be true, and we half wonder whether or not he was picked for the part of Maurizio Gucci in Ridley Scott’s House of Gucci because he had just the right spring, bounce and flop kind of hair that works with big shades and a pinstripe suit.
Daniel Craig’s eyes
Fantastically blue and intense, so although we may have toyed with the sadder eyes of Jake Gyllenhaal, the unnerving gaze of Cillian Murphy and the depths of Ryan Gosling’s peepers, in the end there’s no contest.
James McAvoy’s smile
Running the spectrum from just filthy enough to shy filthy to really filth and beyond; who knows, there is probably a cosy family-friendly one out there somewhere (maybe a still from Becoming Jane). Not sure though.
Hailey Bieber’s legs
As in Justin Bieber’s model wife who you may or not be familiar with. She may or may not have the very best legs, but she certainly has the legs we’d like. We wouldn’t say no to Taylor Swift’s or Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s – but on balance we’re going Bieber.
Matteo Berrettini’s arms and hands
Very hard to pick one part in this particular instance. Don’t know if you remember this year’s Italian Wimbledon Men’s Final runner-up… definitely got some calendar features going on, smile included.
Adele’s hair (F)
Yes we know it’s usually 80 per cent hairpiece but nonetheless it creates a good impression and otherwise we’d have to go for Kate Middleton which seems like a less fun calendar option.
Riz Ahmed’s ears
Trying to get his whole head in here, really, especially with the peroxide dyed hair in Sound of Metal. It would be a shame if it were just limited to the ears and not the entire nose and eye area.
Louis Theroux’s specs
We like how Louis looks – he is at the right end of the nerdy sexy spectrum – and he looks better with specs, which has to be the test of the spectacle wearing calendar star of 2021.
Joe Wicks’ thighs
Pretty obvious choice but we have a thigh vacancy, so. Adam Driver’s thighs were also on our list.
Regé-Jean Page’s eyebrows (M)
They might not be the first thing that springs to mind when you think about the sizzling star of Bridgerton, but they are excellent eyebrows and will lend themselves well to an ironic individual eyebrow raise when the Bond gig comes along. As it might well.
Cara Delevingne’s eyebrows (F)
Who knows where Cara got to in 2021 but she was an early bushy brows adopter a few years back and she’s still got the best pair in the business. Keen to see lots more of them.
