'My boyfriend hasn’t checked on me since I terminated my pregnancy - he's been drinking with the lads instead'
In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.
Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...
Dear Lala,
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I’ve been dating this guy for four months. I have two children, he has four, with four women. Things have been going well, proper princess treatment, amazing bedroom chemistry and I’ve been giddy in our honeymoon period. I’ve known from the beginning that he has ADHD, issues with alcohol, mental health and recreational drugs. Red flags I know, but, he has always treated me with respect and has restored my confidence like you wouldn’t believe. Recently, I found out I was pregnant and we both agreed we would terminate. He was with me when I did it but it’s day two now, he went to work and then straight out with the lads, drinking and doing coke and hasn’t once checked in on me. I’m in loads of pain, physically and emotionally and now I feel let down. Am I making a mistake by staying in a relationship with him? The red flags do make me sceptical but there are so many green flags I feel like they outweigh them?
Lala says…
I am so sorry that you have been let down by him at such a stressful time. It’s really selfish of him and it is certainly a red flag. He’s showing you that he checks out when you really need him, he can’t and won’t care for you when you need him the most. That’s the kind of red flag that we should pay close attention to. Green flags cannot outweigh or balance out red flags. It doesn’t work like that. Everyone who has lots of red flags also has lots of green, if they didn’t then nobody would get involved with them. Are his green flags really even that green? They sound to me like the bare minimum. ‘Princess treatment’, respect, and amazing bedroom chemistry should come as standard. We should expect that from all our partners, especially during the honeymoon period. It’s easy to get swept up in the early stages of a relationship, especially when someone makes you feel good and brings excitement into your life. But honeymoon periods are exactly that—a period. Once the novelty fades, the red flags you’ve already spotted are likely to become bigger and harder to ignore. Being great in bed and making you feel like a princess can’t compensate for the deeper issues, of which there appear to be many.
Having ADHD isn’t a red flag in itself, but it can indicate that the person might struggle with emotional regulation. The same applies to mental health issues, it’s a red flag if he isn’t managing his ADHD or mental health challenges and taking responsibility for himself and his actions. The alcohol and recreational drug use on top of those existing challenges will make it very difficult for him to be a safe and stable partner who can provide mutual support and care. Having four children by four different women isn’t inherently problematic if he is showing up as a responsible father for each of them, which would include supporting their mothers. But have you seen any evidence of that? Where is he finding the time to wine and dine you and go out taking drugs when he has four children to take care of? What is the reason that none of those women stayed in a relationship with the father of their child? Or what is going on with him that has caused him to have children with so many women who he doesn’t want to be with? If he’s not consistently showing up for the kids he already has then what makes you think that he will be able to build a life with you?
It is important to keep your own children’s best interests at the heart of all of your decision making, bringing a man into their lives who has the issues and challenges that he has, and who has already let you down when you needed him most, is a huge risk. Not only to your emotional well-being but potentially to theirs too. I can understand how much you feel like it’s worth taking the risk. It is so rare to meet someone who lights us up and reciprocates our feelings, so when we do, we want to cling on to them at any cost. He can make you feel amazing and sexy, but can he put you first, provide you with stability and show up for you when you most need him? If you can’t be sure about that then I think it’s a mistake to continue the relationship.
Take the confidence that he has given you and realise that you need to believe in yourself. He’s not the only man who can make you feel great. There are plenty more around who can give you those feelings but without the red flags. You made a huge decision together, and you’re now physically and emotionally vulnerable. His actions in this moment tell you a lot about how he handles responsibility and emotional care. Instead of staying by your side and showing compassion, he’s prioritising drinking and taking coke with his mates. That’s not just a lack of care—it’s a blatant disregard for your well-being. There is no green flag that can out-weigh that.
