Back to the Noughties: the Nokia 3310 and 25 other things we want to see revived
Noughties nostalgia shouldn’t really exist. Can sane people seriously come over all misty-eyed about stuff that happened a mere decade ago? Apparently so, as news of the return of the Nokia 3310 last week proved.
The ubiquitous handset, launched in 2000 and discontinued in 2005, is still renowned as the most reliable phone ever made. It had a battery that lasted for days, a proper push-button keyboard and was so indestructible it could survive a dystopian apocalypse. Not to mention the jewel in its crown; Snake, the pre-digital dawn game that involved navigating a slow moving line towards a dot.
You could text one-handed and fast on a 3310, predictively if you were brave, and somehow that seemed enough. Who needs smartphones when dumbphones are this loveable?
Here are 25 other things from the opening decade of the 21st century that are ripe for revival…
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1. Ask Jeeves
Those halcyon days when internet search engines had their own butler. Ask.com phased out their cartoon ‘gentleman’s gentleman’ in 2006. You rang?
2. Paid jobs for graduates
Ah, the milk round. Fast-track schemes. Starting salaries. They sure beat interminable unpaid internships while plundering the Bank of Mum and Dad.
3. Good reality TV
Nasty Nick! Jade Goody! Will Young vs Gareth Gates! Remember when Big Brother was still on Channel 4 and compulsive viewing? When Pop Idol and The X Factor had us gripped, rather than rolling our eyes? Nowadays it’s all ‘structured reality’ and those ghastly Kardashian creatures.
4. Woolworths
Every town had a dear old Woolies - an unlovely but functional one-stop shop for household items, stationery and, crucially, pick ’n’ mix.
5. Buying magazines religiously
Smash Hits, Just 17, Elle Girl, Mizz, Bliss and Sugar for schoolgirls. Minx, Company, The Face, Sky and More! for students. Loaded, FHM, Nuts, Zoo and Maxim for the lads. Harpers & Queen, Zest, The Word, Easy Living and She for grown-ups. All have now sadly gone to the great newsagent in the sky.
6. iPods
From all-white bricks to brightly-coloured Nanos, they transformed the way we listened to music. Playing it on your phone doesn’t seem as elegant or satisfying.
7. Eating off plates
So much simpler (and more hygienic) than the roof tiles, gnarly wooden boards and hunks of slate that restaurants and gastropubs insist on serving food on now. Don’t get us started on jam-jar drinks or chips in those tiny buckets.
8. Ceefax
Teletext. Oracle. It once seemed so futuristic. We miss our fix of pixellated news headlines, mis-shapen weather maps, package holiday bargains and scrolling sport scores.
9. Layering a T-shirt over a long-sleeved top
This Noughties fashion didn’t just lend us the look of a skater or high school jock, but it was cosy too.
10. Ricky Gervais and Sacha Baron Cohen being funny
In the Noughties, they were the two titans of homegrown comedy. One did The Office and Extras. The other did Ali G and Borat. Both are still limping on to diminishing returns laugh-wise.
11. MySpace
A social network consisting of a small group of people you actually knew, rather than everyone you’ve ever met ‘friending’ you on Facebook.
12. Cappuccinos and lattes
Those were the options. Forget your cold-pressed, triple-filtered, artisanal fairtrade flat whites.
13. Combat trousers
Comfy, looked cool with trainers and eliminated the need for a handbag because you could fit into everything into their cavernous pockets. See also: phat pants - essentially the same thing, but with bits of material launching off from the sides.
14. Safeway
An underrated supermarket before it got gobbled up by Morrisons. Other defunct grocery chains with a place in our retail hearts include Kwik Save, Somerfield and Gateway.
15. Carrier bags that didn’t cost 5p
They were free once. Sigh.
16. Restaurant reservations
Rather than no-bookings, queue-only restaurants. We want dinner and we want it now.
17. Linear TV
Netflix, Amazon, iPlayer and Sky+ are all very whizzy, but life seemed easier when there wasn’t so much square-eyed choice and the nation could unite over watching the same show at the same time each week.
18. Branches of Dixons and Currys on every high street
They’ve all been replaced with estate agents and pesky Pret A Mangers.
19. Non-craft beer
Just occasionally, we’d like an pint of old-fashioned British bitter and not a daft-named, try-hard, hoppy hipster ale from Brooklyn or East London. Cheers.
20. Sitcoms beginning with “S” and “F”
Frasier, Friends, Futurama, Seinfeld, Scrubs, Spaced… Were those two letters somehow funnier?
21. No such thing as vloggers
YouTube wasn’t created until 2005, meaning the Noughties were largely free of sickeningly young people somehow raking in millions by posting videos of themselves.
22. Jane Norman bags
All you needed to carry your Motorola Razr phone, Von Dutch trucker cap, Game Boy Color, gel pens and mix CDs.
23. Avocados being exotic
Crocodile pears were once a rare treat in salads or guacamole, rather than slapped onto sourdough toast left, right and centre.
24. Rock’n’roll behaviour
Misbehaving musicians were much more fun than today’s worthy-but-dull pop bores.
25. Donald Trump being boss of The Apprentice USA
Rather than, you know, the whole country. “You’re fired!” seems such a harmless catchphrase compared to “Make America great again! Fake news! Sad!”
