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Asking our other halves for permission before going out: Why do we do it?

Couple holding hands
[Photo: Pexels]

Too many of us in relationships have been there: A friend asks you out for a drink, and you quickly ask your partner for permission before saying yes.

Or, on the other side of the situation, we’ve all been the recipient of a WhatsApp along the lines of “sounds great – let me just check with Dave”.

It’s one thing double checking that you haven’t forgotten any existing plans with your partner that night – after all, you don’t want to blow them off any more than you would a friend.

But ask yourself this question: If you don’t have any plans, why are you asking your partner permission to leave the house?

Couple on sofa
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Dr Becky Spelman, registered psychologist at the Private Therapy Clinic, says that there’s a fine line between this habit being a positive or negative one in a relationship:

“It really depends on how it’s asked, the tone that the person is using, what they’re actually looking for and the reasons behind asking permission,” she explains.

“It’s always great to be considerate of our partners – it shows we’ve got empathy and can put ourselves in their shoes – but then there’s the case of walking on eggshells and being terrified of upsetting them.”

In the case of the latter, Spelman says that this can point to bigger problems.

“Sometimes this can be because they’re avoiding dealing with real issues in the relationship,” she says.

Couple arguing
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“People that avoid conflict and avoid saying what they’re really thinking can end up showing their partner signs of passive aggression.”

So if you really can’t decide whether you’re doing the helpful kind of asking or the not-so-helpful, Spelman suggests considering this: When are you asking in order to be thoughtful, and when are you worrying about what your partner thinks to the degree you feel a loss of independence?

To be clear, despite all the pressures we feel from left, right and centre to be an ‘independent woman that doesn’t need a man’ (adjust genders as appropriate), a bit of dependence in a relationship is no bad thing.

Or as Spelman puts it, you need to be able to allow a partner into your “emotional world” and rely on them at times.

But depending on their approval for absolutely everything is another kettle of fish, and unhelpful for both parties.

Woman on phone
[Photo: Pexels]

So, Spelman suggests you ask yourself the following questions: The first being whether you find yourself asking your partner for permission excessively and more than you feel comfortable with.

Next, are you overly concerned about what your partner is thinking; particularly, are you concerned about them overreacting to quite simple requests?

And finally (and be honest with yourself) do you think there are underlying issues that need to be discussed and addressed?

Sure, it takes guts and a big dose of self-awareness to ask yourself these questions, but next time before you ask your partner whether you can pop down to the pub on Thursday night, take a second to pause and reflect.

When do you think ‘asking for permission’ is healthy in a relationship? Tweet us at @YahooStyleUK.

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