'Wear beige and keep your mouth shut': what it's really like to be the mother of the groom
Your child is getting married. You’ve dreamt of this moment for years. It should be one of the happiest days of your life - and it might well be. But, with wedding season upon us, if you’re the mother of the groom (aka MOG) your experience might turn out to be very different from the one you had imagined.
Because there is an unquestionable pecking order when it comes to nuptial niceties, and the mother of the bride (MOB) is perched firmly near the top. So does being the mum of boys mean you’re always going to miss out?
While there are plenty of grooms who go to great lengths to prevent this from happening, one thing that has become very clear from forums on Gransnet, which I edit, is that when your son prepares to walk down the aisle, you could well discover that matrimony and malevolence (or at least a lot of seething and hurt) often go hand in hand.
“I was told, when my first son got married, that the role of the groom’s mother was to wear beige and keep your mouth shut,” says one Gransnet user, while another admits: “As the husband’s mother I think you often have to expect to be overlooked and just shrug your shoulders and get on with it.
The mother of the new husband hardly ever gets a mention. Even my own daughter-in-law did this, thanking her mother for all she had done, but not a word about me. I paid for the flowers, cars, church and registrar’s fees so I felt I should have been thanked as well.
I was told, when my first son got married, that the role of the groom’s mother was to wear beige and keep your mouth shut
“It doesn’t take much effort on the part of the bride does it?”
The saying goes that ‘a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life, but a son is a son ‘til he takes a wife.’ But how true is it? And is there anything you can do to avoid feeling like a spare part on your boy’s big day that won’t result in a major fallout?
It is still the case that wedding planning is often largely dictated by the bride’s tastes and preferences, and so it’s perhaps natural for her to turn to her mum or friends for help and advice. However, one thing that Gransnet users all agree on is that making a fuss about this is really not a good idea.
Yes, being stuck on the outside might hurt, but it’s unlikely that it’s a deliberate snub by the bride; she’s probably so up to her eyes in frocks and flowers that she hasn’t considered that you might feel left out.
“I think the key is not to have too many expectations,” offers one Gransnet user. “If there’s something you are particularly interested in then offer to help/pay for/support in whatever way is appropriate. Be quietly interested in it all.
You can’t compete with a jealous daughter-in-law’s mother
I would have loved to be involved in wedding dress fittings, but wasn’t, I hope my disappointment didn’t show. Grumble away [on the Gransnet forums]: it’s good to vent, but don’t let it impact relationships. It’s just a few hours from a lifetime.”
Wanting to offer advice can be tempting, but for an easy life, keep shtum, suggests another. “We have to learn to zip it (not always easy) and smile.”
It might not be fair (“I think it is totally wrong that mothers of the groom are treated as second class”) but every couple is different, and causing ructions before they even reach the aisle won’t do anyone any favours.
There’s also the dangerous potential for World War III courtesy of the MOG v MOB, which one forum poster felt all too acutely after her daughter-in-law’s mother intentionally sidelined her from the big day photos. “You can JUST about see the top of my head at the back of the crowd.”
Another MOB says she was excluded in this way from both of her sons’ wedding photos, which was “Hurtful, and in one case a sign of things to come. But you can’t compete with a jealous daughter-in-law’s mother. I think now my son realises what took place, but it’s too late to do anything about it.”
Sadly, inward seething is never going to get you anywhere, as one MOG has learned, “Try and swallow the resentment, because it will get you off on the wrong foot with them. And that would not be constructive, especially as at some point you could be sharing grandchildren.”
Wise words, and as another former MOG counsels, on the big day itself “wear something glamorous, sit back and enjoy it. Be thankful you are not doing the legwork and all the arrangements. I thoroughly enjoyed my son’s wedding as I didn’t have to lift a finger, it didn’t cost me a penny and left me enough to splurge on a very expensive outfit.”
Another agrees that being absolved of the organising needn’t be a bad thing. “Life is too short - the younger generation don’t always do what we would like. It’s not worth making a fuss. Being a mother-in-law is the toughest job there is and the first rule is to go with the flow.”
