6 workplace truths you only know if you have big boobs
Some might say it's a nice problem to have. But one thing is for sure, Britain is bustier than ever. The nation's average bra size has gone from a 34B a decade ago, to a more generous 36DD - and 53 per cent of cupped bra sales at Selfridge's are now a 34DD or larger.
If there was ever a subject to divide women, it's cleavage size. The grass is always greener... in 2017, even model and actress Emily Ratajkowski claimed that she is discriminated against because her large breasts have prevented her from landing jobs.
The 26-year-old, who rose to fame for her role in Robin Thicke's controversial video for the song Blurred Lines said: "There's this thing that happens to me: 'Oh, she's too sexy. It's like an anti-woman thing, that people don't want to work with me because my boobs are too big."
Our hearts bleed, right? Well, maybe. I can't claim to have much experience of the US film industry, but in Britain, having big boobs is not always seen as an asset at work.
Here are the workplace truths you only know if you have an ample cleavage...
1. Everything looks inappropriate
Clothes that would look perfectly demure on anyone with a nice neat B-cup end up looking borderline pornographic when you’re rocking a 34F. Trying to look smart with a full bust basically means wearing wrap dresses, which is a shame if you’re at all interested in fashion.
2. One word: shirts
The shirt is the natural enemy of the big-boobed woman. Sadly, lots of us end up having to wear one - either under a suit or as part of a uniform - which gives you the option of choosing a blouse that's five times too big and makes you look pregnant, or having gaping holes between each button as the fabric strains to contain your baps. Great.
3. People think it’s okay to stare
If you don’t bow to pressure and wear a sack, people are going to notice that you’ve got big boobs and probably stare at them. Yes, it’s 2019 and yes, they’ve put all sorts of legislation in place to discourage this. But can you wear a tight t-shirt in the office without Dave from accounts dribbling soup down his chin at lunch? Of course you can’t. Blokes twice your age standing behind you, ostensibly looking at your screen but actually peeking down your top? Standard.
4. Lunch is a nightmare
At the end of a desk-based meal you end up having to go to second base with yourself just to de-crumb. Especially fun if one of the weird guys from IT is already giving you the side-eye. Bit of rocket in your bra, some ketchup on your nipple: honestly, big boobs basically mean you need a bib just to eat a quick sarnie between meetings.
5. You become a challenge
Particularly if you’ve got the dual joy of being busty and working in a lower-ranking or administrative job. Other employees will cheerfully check out your chest each morning, as if your boobs are a bonus alongside the cycle to work scheme and free gym membership.
I’ve heard more men than I can count discussing the office cache of sleeping with reception staff or PAs, even more so if they’re well endowed in the chest department. Even Theresa May couldn't escape the blokeish braying during the 2016 Budget. Feel like you’re living in an episode of Mad Men yet?
6. People make assumptions
If no one is staring at your chest, that doesn’t mean that your boobs are flying under the radar. Oh no. The other gift of being busty is the constant assumption that you’re a complete bimbo who’s sleeping their way to the top. Despite there being no proof of any correlation between big boobs and small brains (yes, really), the stereotype is still alive and well. So if you’re serious about getting promotion, it’ll be a sweaty oversized jumper for you all summer.
I would dearly love to believe that the 34F cup I’ve been saddled with since I was 15 might be of some use to my career, but so far I can't say this has been true of my experience.
Guess I'll have to rely on boring old enthusiasm, dedication and hard work to smash the glass ceiling.
