An anti-racist guide to dating
I know what some of you are thinking. Dating is supposed to be fun and sexy, and trying to decipher whether you may have said something 'a bit racist' between the starter and the main course is not sexy. The truth is, just like in many other areas of our day-to-day lives, racism exists in the very fabric of dating. It appears in different forms, sometimes making it hard to come to terms with... let alone challenge it.
Sometimes it’s the awkward probing about where you’re really from, because saying you’re from [insert predominantly white hometown here] doesn’t really cut it. Sometimes it's seemingly never-ending family events where you’re forced to endure your date’s weird uncle doing their best stand-up routine, which happens to consist of ‘jokes’ about immigrants and deprecating racial stereotypes. Often it's the overwhelming number of times someone has fetishised you, reducing you to a skin colour and a body that should feel grateful that it’s getting any attention in the first place.
Here's how to make sure your dating life is anti-racist - from spotting the signs in the person you're dating, to making sure how you conduct yourself is anti-racist.
What does it mean to be anti-racist?
Before addressing the issue of racism in dating, we have to understand what it means to be anti-racist - and why racism is sometimes hard to recognise within our budding and existing relationships. In his 2019 book, How To Be an Antiracist, Ibram X. Kendi defines an anti-racist as, "One who is supporting an anti-racist policy through their actions or expressing an anti-racist idea". He goes on to explain that, "Racism is a marriage of racist policies and racist ideas that produces and normalises racial inequities".
But what does this mean to the average person, who isn’t necessarily an activist, but wants to understand how they can avoid being racist in their dating life? It begins with understanding that the process of being an anti-racist involves unlearning some of your behaviours. It also means you need to listen to those who have been and continue to be affected, and that you need to listen to understand, not just to respond. But the first, key step is acknowledging that it exists and it’s happening to real people, every day.
The early signs of racism in dating
Imagine you’ve got yourself a hot little date. Chances are, this person could be a different ethnicity to you. So how do we make sure that racism - from either party - is not the reason that this date goes south? Firstly, we should start by looking at what attracts us to this person and examining what is attracting them to us.
Is the attraction strongly related to their appearance, particularly their skin colour or their race? There is nothing wrong with appreciating someone’s physical appearance, but to fetishise a person based on their race is a serious problem. Chris Pleines, a relationships expert at Dating Scout, says there is positive and negative discrimination. "Some people have preferences for 'exotic' cultures and appearances. Yet, this is just as superficial as negative discrimination, since both reduce individuals on their physical appearance and cultural heritage."
Racist behaviours in dating can also include making dating or sexual assumptions about someone of a particular ethnicity. Examples of this include assuming a black person is dominant, aggressive, promiscuous or sexually experienced, or having a preference for people of Latinx descent because you think they are all ‘exotic’, ‘fiery’ and will call you pet names in Spanish . These assumptions are rooted in racist stereotypes and are a result of the demonisation and over-sexualisation of an entire race of people. It’s reductive, it makes people uncomfortable and it is most certainly racist.
How to date in an anti-racist way
It will definitely take more than a single article to break down racism within dating but there are some key behaviours to avoid and remember to look out for in others.
Don't put people in ‘a box’. Avoid probing people about their race and identity, especially on the first date. This includes forcing your mixed-race date to tell you which of their races they identify more with, and making them feel like they need to ‘pick a side’.
If you’re unsure, ask politely but don’t assume. Getting to know someone is one of the exciting parts about dating and this includes learning about their culture, particularly if it is important to them. But don't make assumptions. Instead of assuming your Arab date comes from a strict culture because of what you’ve seen on the news, ask them whether they have visited their country of origin before and what’s their favourite thing to do when they travel there.
Don’t shy away from the topic of race. This is especially important if you’re already in a committed relationship with someone. Nicola Birago, a BACP accredited counsellor says that when approaching difficult conversations within a relationship, "the couple has to be available to hear each other without feeling guilty or ashamed". She explains that "the more you communicate with your partner, the more the ‘blind spots’ appear, and this is likely to be the starting point of change. Your preconceived ideas plus an awareness of your ‘blind spots’ equals a great place to unlearn ignorance and learn new behaviours," she adds.
Have regular and meaningful discussions. Making allyship and anti-racism a part of your budding or existing relationship is essential for addressing the issue. This involves regular and meaningful discussions about issues surrounding race, raising awareness to those around you and being proud in your allyship and stance against racism.
Don't expect your date to educate you on their culture. "Being respectful of another culture should not be the burden of your potential match or fling," Chris says. "This responsibility is yours. By learning about another culture and racial struggles, you get to be more sensitive to nuances and mindful of your actions."
How to have difficult conversations about race with your date when dating
For those struggling to have those more difficult conversations, Nicola suggests using the following structure.
Set boundaries. Agree what the topic of discussion should be, especially if it is difficult to hear or talk about. Decide how long you want to spend on the topic and agree on what ‘buzz words’ can be said if one is feeling sensitive and wants to take a step back from the conversation.
Communicate. Ask questions and talk openly about the topic highlighting some of these ‘blind spots’.
Collate evidence. Seek to find examples/personal facts that prove or disprove your own or your partner’s view.
Challenge. Challenge one another to help you/your partner broaden their perspective and seek to find alternative viewpoints.
Come together. Reflect on the conversation as a couple, how you felt as individuals and any new learnings from the discussion (then go do something nice together).
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