I Was in an Abusive Relationship for Years and Never Knew
Probably the one thing I believed about myself as a woman and as a psychotherapist was that I would NEVER find myself with an abusive man. Having previously been in a marriage with one of the loveliest men I'd ever met, I knew I would never stand for being hurt by a partner in a relationship. I believed I would see the signs. But I didn't.
I was 38 and I did not see it for what it was. I believed the fantastical web of illusion, and I wanted the happily ever after, but I was totally taken in and deluded. The act on his behalf was perfect at first but kinks in the performance were there, I just did not know how to interpret them. I could not understand what I was seeing. I fell in love with the person who was the most unkind man I'd ever met.
Of course by the time I did realize that my partner was an abuser, I planned to get out. It took from January 2011 to June 2011. I DID GET OUT, and though I got injured in the process the reality of staying any longer was a prospect I could not live with. I am one of the lucky ones. Many women are not as fortunate as me. My injuries though painful and lifelong were not life threatening.
How This Happened to Me
There is a shroud of unreality, a shroud of confusion and a shroud of being tricked. The abusers intention is to create enough confusion that you cannot think straight and so you certainly cannot see things for what they truly are. Initially they appear like guardian angels fallen from the sky, and then slowly and incrementally they "mix up" their behavior between oscillating from being an amazing partner to the nastiest man you've ever met.
He will keep the "guardian angel" act up for as long as he can, but he cannot keep it up for long. His need to control you will always win out. So, incrementally he will appear to change in front of you and become unkind, mean, controlling, nasty, aggressive, and he will disgust you. A woman's natural inclination is to wonder "what is it about me that has made him change?" He will even say it's you! But that's a lie. He is not changing. He has not changed. He is reverting to type. The act can no longer be kept up.
I Was Mortified
I can remember the day I was walking in my village and was truly trying to figure out what on earth was going on. I remember saying to myself: "If I didn't know better I'd think this was domestic abuse."
I started on purpose to think about the reality of the relationship, not how it was promised to be, not how I hoped it would be but actually how it was. I came to a still with a jolt and I realized in that moment "This is domestic abuse." All his promises, apologies (there were not many) and excuses crow-barred into my head all at once, and I felt a fear I had never ever felt before. I was stuck. I was stuck with my children (not his thankfully) in this unsafe place with this terrible man.
I wasn't sad or angry I was mortified with shame. How could I of all people not see this? How did I not see his manipulations, his so-called insecurities, see through his stories of his "horrific 20-year marriage to a frigid woman." It was all nonsense.
I was educated, but not about this. I was ignorant to this reality. I didn't know what I was seeing but I did know it wasn't right.
It's much more important to the abuser how they come across, rather than who they actually are. It's most convoluted charade you'll ever seen. Of course it never starts this way, which is why it's so easy to find yourself in a similar situation.
The Red Flags
Every domestic abuse situation is unique, but Women's Aid points out there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship.
They include:
1. Destructive criticism and verbal abuse
Shouting; mocking; accusing; name calling; verbally threatening.
2. Pressure tactics
Sulking; threatening to withhold money, disconnecting the phone and internet, taking away or destroying your mobile, tablet or laptop, taking the car away, taking the children away; threatening to report you to the police, social services or the mental health team unless you comply with his demands; threatening or attempting self-harm and suicide; withholding or pressuring you to use drugs or other substances; lying to your friends and family about you; telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
3. Disrespect
Persistently putting you down in front of other people; not listening or responding when you talk; interrupting your telephone calls; taking money from your purse without asking; refusing to help with childcare or housework.
4. Breaking trust
Lying to you; withholding information from you; being jealous; having other relationships; breaking promises and shared agreements.
5. Isolation
Monitoring or blocking your phone calls, e-mails and social media accounts, telling you where you can and cannot go; preventing you from seeing friends and relatives; shutting you in the house.
6. Harassment
Following you; checking up on you; not allowing you any privacy (for example, opening your mail, going through your laptop, tablet or mobile), repeatedly checking to see who has phoned you; embarrassing you in public; accompanying you everywhere you go.
7. Threats
Making angry gestures; using physical size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun; threatening to kill or harm you and the children; threatening to kill or harm family pets; threats of suicide.
8. Sexual violence
Using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts; having sex with you when you don't want it; forcing you to look at pornographic material; constant pressure and harassment into having sex when you don't want to, forcing you to have sex with other people; any degrading treatment related to your sexuality or to whether you are lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual.
9. Physical violence
Punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning; strangling, pinning you down, holding you by the neck, restraining you.
10. Denial
Saying the abuse doesn't happen; saying you caused the abuse; saying you wind him up; saying he can't control his anger; being publicly gentle and patient; crying and begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abusive, the National Domestic Violence hotline is available by calling 0808 2000 247, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Anna Pinkerton is author of Smile Again: Your Recovery from Burnout, Breakdown and Overwhelming Stress, available from Amazon Anna Pinkerton is a therapeutic coach, corporate therapist and a leading expert in post-traumatic stress disorder. For more information, visit www.annapinkerton.com
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