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“My abusive ex threatened to share my intimate photos – and it’s still not a crime”

Photo credit: Alice Cowling
Photo credit: Alice Cowling

From Cosmopolitan

As part of Refuge’s new campaign, The Naked Threat, one brave survivor of domestic abuse, Natasha Saunders, 31, shares how her ex-partner coerced her into taking intimate photos and then threatened to send them to her family and friends (an act known as revenge porn). He also posted them on dating websites. Sadly, Natasha is far from alone – new research from the charity shows 1 in 7 young women (aged between 18 to 34) have experienced threats to have their photos shared. The Naked Threat campaign is calling on the Government to make any threat to share intimate images a crime. Here, Natasha explains the impact her ex having those photos had on her mental health.


My stomach began to knot, as I watched as my (now ex) partner John angle his phone and point it in my direction. I heard him click the button over and over. It wasn’t the first time he’d taken intimate pictures of me, but six months into our relationship, things had changed: I didn’t want to be posing for him. Or to be wearing the revealing schoolgirl outfit he’d ordered me to wear. It all felt so wrong but I knew if I didn’t go along with his demands, there’d be hell to pay.

When we first got together in 2006, after meeting at a horse yard (I’ve always loved riding and he wanted to buy a horse from me), I was bowled over by all the attention John showered me with. Despite friends telling me it wasn’t normal for a man to send hundreds of texts in a day, I felt flattered. My home life hadn’t always been the easiest and at the age of seventeen, having an older man (John is 14 years my senior) telling me I looked beautiful and saying that he wanted to take care of me was exciting. He had a daughter, a home and a car, which all seemed so grown-up. I caved to the pressure of hitting the milestones that society expects of women: find a man, settle down, have a family.

At first things were good, albeit intense. We had great consensual sex and he’d tell me things like, “You’re the best person I’ve ever been with.” He boosted my confidence and when the idea of taking intimate suggestions was floated, I was fully on board with it. I both posed for John and sent him revealing photos myself, happy that I’d pleased him.

However, mere months after meeting, shortly after my eighteenth birthday, John suggested we move in together. From then on, he stopped me from seeing friends. “What do you need to go on a night out for?” he’d say, curling his lip. “People only do that to get laid. You’re with me now.”

He also forced me to change my number – becoming angry and argumentative if I tried to push back against his demands – and took control over my schedule. I was no longer allowed to work ("I'll look after you," he insisted) and spent most of my days at home. Slowly my life had been stripped away and any positive elements of our relationship evaporated – I felt trapped.

Photo credit: Natasha Saunders
Photo credit: Natasha Saunders

Things took a turn for the worse when one day, after we’d been together for six months, I told John I wanted to meet my mum at a local train station. His immediate response was: “No, you’re not doing that.” I tried pleading with him, saying I’d take the dog with me (thinking he’d feel more reassured that I wasn’t planning to meet up with another man), but he wouldn’t allow it.

“I’ll send those pictures to your family,” John snapped, causing me to freeze on the spot. It sounds cliché, but it was like a bucket of ice-cold water had been tipped over my head. I’d always been sexually confident, but the thought of my parents seeing my naked body made me feel sick. That wasn’t the only time John threatened me like that either – he once told me he’d send photos to everybody in my phonebook, which included old school friends, family members and ex-colleagues. “If anyone replies, then I’ll know you’ve slept with them,” he’d growled at me.

"I discovered he’d been posting my photos on a dating website"

I had no idea what to do, so tried my best to go along with whatever John wanted. Then things became even darker, as I discovered he’d been posting my photos on a dating website, trying to entice other women to have a threesome with us. Something that again, I’d never consented to. Every day it felt harder to leave – and then, in 2008, I fell pregnant with our first child.

After our son was born, John started raping me. The first time was only hours after I’d given birth. This then became a regular occurrence, but I didn’t quite realise that’s what was happening as it was my partner, not a stranger in a dark alley. Sometimes I’d be telling him “I hate you!” whilst we were having sex, but it never deterred him. He actually started filming some of those rapes too.

My world just felt as though it was getting more distorted and suffocating. The idea of telling the police about the abuse I was going through, or John’s threats to share the photos and videos, seemed impossible. Shame filled every part of me. I’d taken some of those photos myself, I feared they’d think it was my fault or write me off as a ‘slut’. When it came down to the footage of me lying there, hands by my side, being raped, it’d be his word against mine and by that point, my self-belief was in tatters. If spoke of leaving, John told me he’d drive himself and our children (we also went on to have a daughter together) into a lake.


My ‘lightbulb moment’ as it were, came after eight years of being in the relationship. Sat in the kitchen with my mum one afternoon, she asked me for film recommendations, and I suggested The Amityville Horror, making a joke about how Ryan Reynolds is topless in part of it. John saw red and started punching me repeatedly in the arm. My mum fell silent – I didn't know it at the time but she was also trapped in an abusive relationship, and she's also had her own issues with mental health over the years.

Up until then John had “only” shoved me before, and on one occasion choked me until I blacked out, but it was something about him hitting me in front of my mum that made me realise what was happening wasn’t right. The saying ‘real men don’t hit women’ started blaring in my head.

"It was something about him hitting me in front of my mum that made me realise what was happening wasn't right."

I told a friend what had happened and she said, “Natasha, if he’s started physically hurting you, he’s not going to stop.” Something just clicked and I knew I needed help, so I Googled the number for the Refuge helpline. At first, I feared the operator would call the police then and there, but instead, the woman on the other end of the line gently asked me to tell her what I’d been going through. Having a stranger validate my fears helped immeasurably – that woman saved my life.

Following that phone call, I secretly made an appointment with the police, then told John I needed a lift into town to pay the council tax bill. Instead, when he slowed the car down, I leapt out and ran to the police station. Everything came tumbling out and he was arrested. I then sought further help from Refuge, staying in a shelter temporarily, before moving to another city to start life over, with an injunction in place meaning John couldn't be near me.

In March 2018, John Chesher was found guilty of three counts of rape and one count of sexual assault by penetration and received a 12-year sentence. I also found out that he had a previous conviction dating back to 1997, for indecently assaulting a child under the age of 14.

Although the threat to share those private pictures of me is just one part of the abuse I endured, it had a huge impact on my mental health. I know that when John does eventually get out of prison, despite the police destroying his phone, it’s likely he’ll still be able to access those images through his email accounts or hard drives.

"The fact it’s not illegal to threaten or blackmail another person with intimate photos is baffling"

I know they’re still out there and the fact that it’s not illegal for somebody to threaten or blackmail another person with intimate photos is baffling to me. As are the people who have messaged me on social media saying, “You weren’t careful with your pictures!” To me, that’s the same as saying a woman deserves to be raped for wearing a short skirt. Nobody deserves what I went through, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The fact is, he used those pictures as a way to keep control over me.

The law on threatening to share other people’s private photos needs to change, as a matter of urgency – it’ll strip abusers of their power when it does. We need laws suitable for the digital age. To support Refuge's campaign, you can send an email to the Government ministers with the power to act, asking them to change Section 33 of the Criminal Justice and Courts Act 2015, to explicitly make threats to share intimate or sexual photos or videos a crime. There is no such thing as an "empty" threat.

To anybody else trapped in an abusive relationship, I’d say to trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Help is out there; the Refuge helpline is fantastic and it’s available 24/7. After leaving John, I worked hard on rebuilding my life and learning to love myself. Since then, I’ve remarried a wonderful and supportive man named Ben and we share a son – our relationship is healthy, happy and balanced, as it should be. Life is a million times better now than I ever could've dreamt back then, and I’m stronger than ever.

For support, call Refuge’s Freephone 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or go to nationaldahelpline.org.uk.


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