What to Read Next

A guide to Christmas in your favourite TV soaps

Yahoo Lifestyle
24 December 2012

The Arches is shut, Tyrone is in hospital and Cain is off on some dalliance or other so you’re stuck there. Could you survive? Here’s where we guide you through the dos and don’ts of Christmas in our favourite fantasy world.

1. Do not drive a car

Obviously, anyone driving a car in Christmas at Soap Land is playing with fire. They are almost certain to kill someone. Pat and Frank Butcher both managed it. What are the odds? Emmerdale, obviously, has less busy roads, so around Christmas time, they tend to crash planes into the dales.

[Related: Ways to recharge this Christmas]

2. In fact, do not go near a road

Crossing a street is virtual suicide. You are 90 per cent certain to be run over. Tiffany on ‘Enders’, of course, Jamie Mitchell too. And lest we forget The Battersby’s turkey Theresa? Truly one the soap’s most tragic event.

3. Actually, even if you avoid a road, someone is going to die

Pauline Fowler, Archie Moon, Alf Roberts, Pat Butcher, Joe Macer.  Mark Hughes, Archie Brooks,  Archie Brooks, Leonard Kempinski, Tom King, Joe Donnelli, Ena Sharples daughter. Rosemary King. RIP. (And these are only the ones we can think of off hand who didn’t die in car crashes – there must be lots, lots more)

4. You can get married

It won’t go well, necessarily (sorry Max and Tanya) in fact, on ‘Emmerdale’ it tends to end in murder for the King family (Tom at his actual reception and indirectly Carl, ironically enough). But soaps in weddings rarely go smoothly. However, the ceremony can be beautiful and it will snow – think back to the lovely Ashley and Claire’s ceremony in 2004 on ‘Corrie’, Bernice and Ashley on ‘Emmerdale’ and what about a rare moment of bliss on ‘Enders’ when Kat and Alfie got hitched? Ah, bless.

[Related: Essential Christmas TV - the television moments we love every year]


5. Do not get involved in a Christmas show

In real life, they’re a fun treat. In Soap Land they’re a stressful nightmare. Weatherfield nativity shows now traditionally end in violence or a baby, which is not really helpful to the narrative thrust of the stage drama. Certainly don’t volunteer to organise anything, as Ashley on ‘Emmerdale’ discovered, the star of your show will always, always walk off and you’ll have to deliver some of the worst lines committed to paper. A special EastEnders Christmas Party episode on 2004 saw Mo delivering lines like “Girls Aloud? Shouldn’t be allowed more like.”

6. If you’re keeping a secret, you may want to tell the person now

It’s going to come out. Oh, it will be revealed. And at the worst point of the big day. David Platt reading out Gail’s diary? Stacey and Max, anyone? Or how about Lisa Fowler carrying Phil Mitchell’s baby? John Stape mixing up Rosie and Fiz’s presents? Frank Tate discovering Kim Tate’s affair on ‘Emmerdale’? Basically, Christmas is a big free-for all. Keep your diary well hidden, that’s all we can say.

7. Comic relief will come from food

If you can’t get an invite to a wedding or the bride has been slaughtered or something. You may try and go and look for food for a bit of a laugh. From Ena Sharples choking on a sixpence in a Christmas pudding in 1961 through to Alf sitting on a plum pudding or Heather burning a turkey,  Reg and Curly raiding Bettabuys for Caviar comedy comes from the food. Even if it is Shadrach being a suspect for being Yorkshire’s premier turkey thief, it’s going to be more fun than most places –and you’re less likely to pass away, so don’t hesitate, get yourself to the kitchen.

What soaps will you be tuning into this Christmas? Let us know over on Twitter now.

Drivers With No Accidents Must Read This

Are you aware that you could receive a large discount just for not having a ticket or accident in the past 3 years? See how you can save more.

Military Mortgage Rates In 2016

Rates as Low as 2.75% (3.028% APR) 15 Year Fixed. Exclusive For Veteran & Military Takes 1 Min!

Update Your Look: Bell Sleeves

Banks Are Worried Homeowners Will Do This.

Homeowners are surprised and furious. If you owe less than $625,000 on your home, you better read this.

I HATE Annuities…and So Should You!

If you have a $500,000 portfolio, uncover the truth about annuities by reading “Annuity Insights” from Forbes columnist Ken Fisher’s firm.

Powerful Tactical Flashlight Flying Off Shelves!

This new tactical flashlight was just released to the public and is flying off shelves in the United States. Limited supplies left, act quick!

Read This Before You Buy Medigap Plan F

Plan F is the most popular Medicare Supplement plan, but there's another Medigap option you should consider.

This Movie Deal Is Sure To Get Your Attention!

Get 4 Disney Movies For $1 With Membership. See Details. Exclusive Titles, Merchandise, Offers & Discounts. Plus, Free Shipping On Your Initial Order!

How Older Men Tighten Their Skin

Men, reduce the look of wrinkles, sagging skin and fine lines with this affordable and effective skin tightening treatment without leaving your home.

Insane Navy Seal Flashlight, should it be banned?

The Military has recently released technology that is now available to the public. Get yours before they run out - Limited Supply!

Best Balance Transfer Credit Cards of 2016

Banks are offering 0% APR for up to 15 months right now. Don't pay interest on your purchases and transfer a balance today. Apply securely here.

Have your W-2? File taxes free this weekend

The IRS is accepting returns. File your simple Federal & State taxes for $0 at TurboTax w/Zero hidden costs. Fed Free Edition.

How to Create a Social Support Strategy

Meet your customers where they are. Read this e-book from Desk.com to learn six things to consider as you plan your social support strategy.

Starwood Credit Card

Earn 25,000 Bonus Starpoints®! Use toward Award Nights or Flights.

9 Cards for People Who Have Great Credit

What card offers up to 5% cash back? And which one offers 24/7 concierge service? See the best credit cards of 2016. Apply online, quickly & easily.